Derumo

NASI DAGANG

2007-01-07T21:28:00.000-08:00

Tok Ku,

I suppose there is a perfectly logical explanation for your Nasi Dagang problem. Generally, there are two types of Nasi Dagang available in the East Coast, namely, Nasi Dagang Kelantan (NDK) and Nasi Dagang Trengganu. (NDT) There are two distinct features. The Kelantan version has dark red plus white rice due to partial polishing of the glutinous rice and the gravy is rather thick (using nyor gula) and sweet (using gula putih). On the other hand, the Nasi Dagang Trengganu uses the white glutinous rice mixed with normal rice in certain ratio (secret recipe) and the gravy is rather yellowish and not sweet. I suppose you took the Trengganu Nasi (glutinous plus white rice) and the Kelantan Gravy (sweet gravy). On the other hand, when in Primula you took the full Trengganu version (rice & gravy). If you were in Kota Baru, they will serve you the full Kelantan version. (Dark red rice & sweet gravy). Of course, you and I prefer the better Trengganu version with Original Recipe. The nasi dagang is now being modified where the acar timun mentah is added to it now instead of using only the old yellow cucumber cooked with the gravy. I prefer the acar to accompany it since sometimes, it neutralize the fishy (hanyir) taste of the tuna fish. The tuna fish is sometimes boiled separately (rebus and not singang with asam garam lengkuas) which explained its level of hanyirness and it is put into the gravy “on the rock”.

It is the same with nasi beriyani – it should be both the beriyani gravy but the beriyani rice. Beriyani rice is much nicer in taste since it is the long grain and expensive type of rice known as Bhasmathi rice or the Malay just called it Beras Mati (literally the Dead Rice). So, the next time you order for the beriyani make sure you take the beriyani rice and beriyani gravy. If not it is not so nice since you’re taking the beriyani gravy (plus meat) but not a berani rice (takut rice). By the way, there seems to be a third version of the nasi dagang. My encounter with the third kind of nasi dagang is in KL. The red glutinous rice was just boiled (tanok) in the normal way and it did not undergo the “arong” process and the nasi dagang rice is soft (lembek) and stick to one another. The gravy and tuna fish is cooked with lots of chili padi (lada kecik /ladi API) and of course it is damn hot and that’s the time you wish that it should be sweet. After some inquiry with the kitchen of the stall , I discovered it was cooked by a Negori Chef who stated that “ nasi dagang lauk lomak cili api pun sodaap…..I told him that it is not Nasi Dagang and it should be called “ Nasi Semenda” ( Semenda= Dagang ??) Since it is very very “podeh “

As to the road sign, the Trenganunized version should be written as “Pusak Banndo” ; “ Kuatang “ ; “ Pula Ghedang” ;”Paso Keda Payang”; “Tamang Sah Banndo “ and the Majeleh Banndorang Kuale Ganu Kite should approve it.

RAYA HAJI

2007-01-07T18:18:00.000-08:00

Tok Ku - Eid Adha Mubarak

I participated in this year Qurban. One Kedah –Kelantan bull for seven of us in the family. We bought it from an oil palm estate. It was rather cheap at RM 4.50 per kilogram live weight for 270 kilo costing RM 1,300 inclusive of slaughter, lapah & transport. After the solat Eid, we went down to the field. The bull is tied to a tree. When the slaughtering team gets the bull on the ground but it was getting wild. Some team member got scared and the bull ran away. Fortunately, there are spare bulls and cow around. If not, I will get the bull shit or the cow dung. I was not daring enough to slit the bull’s throat but just hold the held head and read my niat. The semi pro butcher did the slaughtering and the blood shoot out into the dig drain. The bull did a few “heritage kicks” (tending pusaka) and then laid still.

Then, it was deskinned and degutted and cut into the four quarters which is hung up to be deboned (dilapah). The deskinning (lapah kulit) is very tricky since you have to forgo the meat leaving it stuck to the skin so as not to spoil the hide. This deliberate left over meat is known as the love meat (daging kasih) and I suppose it is called such since it is left there for the love of the hide. It is different from other love meat – the meaty body parts with which you make love. The worst task to be given is to clean the large intestine (perut besar @ perut tuala) and perut tembusu (small intestine) where the unprocessed bullshit or cow dung has to be cleaned. Water is not sufficient to take away the stench but the lime water (kapur) has to be used. The deboned meat is cut into smaller pieces and packed in one kati or one kilo plastic bags to be distributed to the needy. The choice parts of the balls and the tails since they are suppose to have aphrodisiac value.

The bones are good for making soup with still lots of meat sticking to it since those who deboned are amateurs. Nevertheless, when you have cut and slice so much of meat and even you yourself start smelling like meat, you may have no appetite to slurp the bone soup unless it is a special ox tail or testicles plus the tender projectile soup (termed as torpedo soup probably due to its shape or due to its effect on the one who consume it.

If I am no mistaken , qurban is not compulsory for the Hajj ( please correct me if I am wrong here) On the other hand , the dam ( penalty) is obligatory if you break the major hajj rules. The famous penalty is that one has to slaughter a camel that is imposed if you‘re to have sex during the ihram. That’s why the male and female potential hajis and hajjah are kept separate. It is not that many do not want to share a room with the wife (besides it may cost a load of Riyals) but they fear factor of Dam Unta is there. When the period of forbidden sex is over, usually there is one room kept free and some couples may sheepishly get the keys from the manager and try to get some barakah in the Holy land. It is not easy to get such barakah in Mecca especially during the hajj season.

I did my qurban during my hajj. I did not do it through the modern method or buying coupon but by traditional way. During the stay in Mina, we had lots of free time especially after the stoning the devils and shaving bald. Rather than drinking the Arab Tea Tarik which is in fact more of D-I-Y TEA ENJUT - you ‘re given in cup of hot water in a plastic cup , a tea bag to jerk and a few packets of sugar and powder milk and then you start jiggling. I took a taxi with one of the hajji guides and went to the nearest Arab village. There was a place where the Arab Badawi was selling the animals for Qurban sacrifice. The price for each sheep is just one third of the coupon qurban price and so I bought three sheep. Here the guide who speaks Arabic is very helpful in bargaining and that’s how we got it rather cheap. One thing I observed the bargaining by the Arabs is so furious - which is more like quarrelling. I saw one camel on a Nissan pick up beeping away. We try to bargain for it but it was too expansive and we left the camel with its tears literally and physically running down the eyes. There were a number of the qurban butchers around and we can ask them to help with the slaughtering for a small tip. In fact, they prefer the DIY qurban but I was too scared to do it fearing that the sheep may run away half way during the process. Nevertheless, the butcher helped to slaughter it single handedly for all the three sheep. The sheep did not struggle much but seems to be willing to be sacrificed and the camel when not offered for sacrifice having tears in its eyes. These are two things which my grand mother used to tell me stories of her Mecca days that I saw with my own eyes. Masya Allah…..

50 Merdeka

2006-12-19T01:12:00.000-08:00

MERDEKA 50

TokKu- “Four hundred and Fifty years of Enslavement and Fifty years of independence” or “ 450 tahun dijajah (1511-1957) dan 50 tahun merdeka ( 1957-2007)” . The word “MERDEKA” is related to slavery – to free the slave is “untuk merdeheka hamba abdi”. Since it is not Arabic (istiqhlal) or English (Independence), perhaps it was of Sanskrit (e.g mentera, mendeka etc. ???) However, this word alien to Malaya before 1957. You can listen to the old folk in the Malayan Film Units pronouncing it “mengdeka or mendeka …or merdeheka”….and among the children, who were so happy to get the free cinema tickets, they shouted mentega (butter) …not to make fun of it but that’s the nearest words they knew ( butter). Those from East Coast pronounced it with a slight twist as Man Deko – referring Mat Deraman Bin Umor whose hand is slightly bent and legs slightly limping ( Deko) after his unfortunate accident on his old Honda Cub 50 trying to cross the wooden kampong bridge. Perhaps, some may have the spirit of Hang Jebat and pronounce it as “menderhaka.” That was true during the colonial days that we had menderhaka to the British in order to get our Merdeka. At least, we know that Malaysia was derived from Malay Asia – used long ago by the British, and Japanese. Why Malaysia is pronounced with a silent “H”or “Y” ( ME-LEY- SYIA) . And not as it is spelt MA- LAI- SEE-A. Perhaps, it sound more Anglicized or on the other hand, if pronounced in the original spelt version in Chinese dialect, it means different thing.

Ghana had achieved her independence in the same year . But being on the street of Accra , it is felt 25 years behind Malaysia. Or would we like to be in the streets of Palestine which is not so pristine. Or in the city Baghdad which is far away from our dad in the US or in the mountains of Kabul so that we can get of a car and have a ball (car-ball)with the students there. At least , we have this Malaysia – like it or not . The residual of the vision 2020 may require a concave or convex glass, or a contact lense or the simple eye muscle surgery. Unfortunately , those with cataract will have to be operated and replaced it with a hard convex . One can be constructively critical of the progress so far ( muhasabah) but when we look at ourself , our children and our grandchildren , they are alright now. The grass is always greener on the other side but nowadays , it can be a plastic artificial turf grass which is good for playing hockey but not for the cow to graze unless it is given a brown sunglass. So far so good…But qua sera ,sera…..for the next 50 years of Malaysian Independence ( 2056) with globalization which reduce the independence into more dependency , global warming from Green House Gas of the Kotor Convention which is not rectified by the mighty US, the planet carrying capacity is stretched to the brim, and increasing moral decay which the West call it progress ( frog rest) . Let the jalur gemilang remain with the 14 red and white stripes and not added to become 50 stripes with the moon eclipsed .

MERDEKA 50

2006-12-18T07:31:00.000-08:00

Hello Again from Derumo

2006-09-05T19:10:00.000-07:00

hello again,

being rather busy lately .
will try to keep up this Blog .
bye.

Public Spiking on Public Speaking

2006-04-13T22:02:00.000-07:00

TokKu – The quality of public speaking of the House of Commons (Citizen Hall) were getting the public spiking recently in terms the lack of substance and rude language used. Pubic speaking can also be defined as a situation where one is speaking to the public and the public also start speaking among themselves – initially with soft whispering and then it grow into louder murmuring until they shout at one another drowning the main speaker. If it’s a dinner speech, the sound of the fork and spoons clanging are more audible than the main speaker’s voice. If you‘re in that kind of public speaking, better end your speech to save the embarrassment on both sides. The best public speaker is the traditional medicine peddler (penjual obat) who delivers eloquent lectures to sell the “obat kuat” (traditional aphrodisiac). Every one is very attentive to hear his next words and next joke which are very entertaining. However, the penjual obat may not a good orator since he cannot sway the crowd’s emotion to buy his medicine.

The parliamentary debate is not being televised live but only shown on the close circuit TV at the lobby or in the cafeteria. Some cannot go into the main hall due to the limited seats available at the officers section or public gallery. Others like to wonder around the lobby to wait for their topic to be debated during the question time or the first, second or third readings. There are those who like to stay at the cafeteria where the discussion can be more interesting over a cup of the tarik. Previously, there was only one common canteen for the parliamentarian, government officers, reporters and public gallery. But, now the parliamentarian has special rooms with drinks and snacks. Probably, it follows the principle of the separation of powers among the legislative, executive and judiciary to the separation of rooms between the representatives and the constituencies. It used to be just loud speaker to broadcast the debate outside the hall but with the modern technology, there is the CCTV that shows the happening in the hall. Sometimes, you can hear the ringing of the bell that is calling the MPs to come into the hall mainly due to short of quorum at voting time or when issue of attendance is brought by concerned members that reminds of the schooldays when the bell rang. However, the full attendance can be seen during important occasion the opening session when the three components of the legislation sat together – the King, the House of Commons and the Senate - similar to the State of the Union address in the congress. It is fully televised on one Friday afternoon budget speech and it will have the whole country wide audience listening carefully what tax will be abolished or when will the Value Added Tax (VAT) will be imposed. Lately, short video clips from the CCTV are being slotted in the TV news. Even it is only a short video clip, it gets lots of public spiking and probably that’s the reason why the session is not fully televised.
The public views on the standards of pubic speaking are that some of them don’t know how to speak. Even though, they know to speak but were very ambiguous on the issues discussed. However, the standards had improved some what – from the days of merapu to a more school debate and even occasional bantering and quarrelling. The opposition is also very vocal and knowledgeable and more are professionals in their field and they can talk. It should be noted that in parliamentary speaking there is a strategy. Don’t underestimate that the one who talk a lot and talk nonsense is not that clever. Strategically, he is clever in consuming the limited time, thus giving no chance to the other side to speak. One can comprehend this in the context of football or hockey game. When a team is winning, the players will play around by keeping, dribbling or kicking the ball to one another, thus denying the opponents from having control of the ball. Remember the hockey game between Malaysia and Pakistan in the recent Commonwealth Game which frustrated India. This tactic serves very important strategic functions but to the uninitiated it may seen like monkeying around. (We should not resort to derogatory name calling since the same argument can be applied in reverse - that it takes a thief to catch a thief; and it takes a monkey to identify another monkey!) Of course, it is a truism that there are no speakers in the parliament except for one, the Speaker. The others are all the representatives of the respective constituencies who are only known by their constituencies such as Yang Berhormat Ipoh Timur, Yang Berhormat Kepala Batas or Yang berhormat Pekan. Therefore, the naming of the constituencies has to be carefully chosen so that there will never be Yang Berhormat Batang Berjuntai or Yang Berhormat Nonokan.
Sometimes, there is the tongue lashing (bertikam lidah) which is a serious verbal combat. It is not as bad as the Japanese, Taiwan or Indian Parliamentary session. You can see fist fight, kick boxing, hair pulling and the throwing of the shoes to the other member across the floor. The term “to cross the floor” has a different meaning in Japan where it is not the government crossing to the opposition but only the shoes of the opposition crossed the floor to join the Government side. As to the hair pulling, that’s the ladies unarmed combat. When the kampung ladies quarrel and fight, it may come to the hair pulling and trying to strip the opponent’s sarong. The one with the sarong down will be definitely be the loser since she will ran away embarrassed. One picture is worth one millions words and one punch or kick worth millions CD pictures since action speaks louder than words. No such things had ever happened in our parliament. Two opposing members may be at each other throats in the debate but later, they will belanja each other “teh tarik” and “cucuk udang” in the cafetaria.
There is such thing as the parliamentary privileges. The members can say anything in the House and no legal action can be taken. If the same accusations were to be uttered outside the parliament, they can be sued and we often heard they were daring each other to repeat it outside. However, some are in the habit of using rough and rude words. Often, they were asked to withdraw and deleted form the Hansard. Everything was recorded in the Hansard which as still kept as a tradition but with tape recording. Video recording, it should opt for the modern technology-perhaps digitized Hansard. In fact, in keeping with the modern the TV had shown the video clips of the MPs where we have some insight into it. Other wise, the limited public gallery may be occupied by the school children or the rombongan from the remote kampungs. When we were in form sixth in the sixties, the visit to the parliament’s public gallery was a big event with high expectations. But it fell flat and that impression still stays on until now. Parliament speaking is not public speaking since they are speaking to fellow MPs. The MPs should improve on their delivery of the ideas. If not, they should be whipped by the “Chief Whip”, by the Minister of Parliament and the Back Benchers Club chairman to upgrade and improve their oratory ability. I wonder what the translation the term “Chief Whip” in Malay language – may be it is “Ketua Cemati.”

In the British parliament in Westminster, the MPs were given only a long leather bench with no table. The microphone is hanging from the ceiling like the theatre setting. Only in tabling serious budget etc, that the leader of the government or the opposition were given the rostrum. Other back benchers were expected to talk off the cuff but definitely, they do not talk off the topics. Those in the House of Lords are with knowledge and wisdom in the debate. Those in the House of Commons (Citizen Hall) are the representative of the people. So, it is what the people choose – one who can talk, one who cannot talk, one who can shout etc. It is the people choice and one cannot blame the representatives as such as they were the chosen one. Even though one is of high academic qualifications and high oratory skill, if he is not chosen by the people, he is not in there. The people representatives have to fight for the people needs. I remember meeting an intellectual MPs but he has not the people touch and not public friendly at all. Those type should be in the judiciary or remained in the academia and not in the legislative or peoples representative.
On the other hand, behind the MPs are the government officers who loyally take the notes and pass notes and other during the oral question or wrap up session. . It is not surprising to see that new Ministers, Deputy or Parliamentary Secretary who goes to answer the question time with 10 -15 officers trailing him. On the other hand, the real veteran Minister will be confident on their own – some has the philosophy that if there is a question, there must be an answer. It is interesting to be the Honourable Minister but at question time – especially the supplementary question is the difficult ones to answer – that really test your mastery of the issues. It is not that easy to spot questions – but the experienced well seasoned ones will know the question and will give the right witty answers. In the early days, when the kampong people were not very familiar with the English word “parliament”. The House of Parliament was wrongly transliterated as “Rumah Pak Leman”. The MPs now should be more professional parliamentarian since gone are the days when the debate is like chatting at “Rumah Pak Leman.”

Caring for the Corals

2006-04-07T08:21:00.000-07:00

TokKu-It is not only the man in Trengganu who destroys the corals. The action of other men elsewhere in the world on the environment which upset the weather and marine ecology did more damage to the corals. If the sea temperature were to increase or decrease, the coral will “demang panas” or “demang selsema” which eventually also destroy them. The warm stream El Nino and La Nina do affect the corals in large volume. If there are lots of nutrients in the area, the algae will grow and invade the area to expel the coral. The change in the salinity of the sea water will also upset the coral. There is the brackish water fish but no brackish water coral. Therefore, those whose indiscriminate actions affect the weather, the climate and the salinity of the sea are largely responsible for the coral destruction as well. Undeniably, the Trengganu man may destroy some, but not that much as others. It is suggested that the tourist should use transparent bottom boat to see the beautiful corals. The boat should have a big flat bottom since the passenger don’t sit down but lie down in the snorkeling position (meniarap) In addition, put some wild tiger shark which has been genetically modified to specialize in eating family jewels and big bosoms in the area to prevent unauthorized diving, snorkeling or scuba-ing

One of the expensive fish in Sabah is the sea chicken fish (ayam laut). It is different from the Trengganu ayang laut @ Ikan Jebong - some may call it as James Bond fish (as in Ikang Mata Besor that was renamed Ikang Uji Rashid). Why is it so expensive? This fish lives among the corals and it is difficult to catch them. You have to catch one by one with line and hook and most of the time your hook will get stuck among the corals. Therefore, one has to be a good hooker to catch lots of them. That’s why its price is subjected to the law of supply and demand. The next time try to order for the sea chicken fish and it will definitely have to taste very nice since it costs RM 200 per kilogramme. If not, stick with cheaper Trengganu ikang ayang lauk ( jebong) and imagine that it is Sabah “Ikan Ayam Laut”

The modern accessories are very sophisticated. Like the oxygen tank, breathing apparatus, snorkel mask etc are part of the accessories. The flipper is rightly called “kaki itek.” which helped to accelerate the movement in the water. For catching fish, there are the underwater sonar sounding, close circuit cameras etc. that can detect the fish. On the other hand, the traditional fishing method in Trengganu was more interesting and we should appreciate them since without them, there were no ikang aya or ikang tambang sisik or beluru, no kepok lekor, no kepok keping and no budu for Trengganu. Besides the fishing boat and the net (perahu payang and pukat tangkul, tarik, bubu, hanyut, etc), the key personnel in the fishing industry then was the “diving specialist” @ juru selam. They were able to stay for a long time under water and listen for large shoal of fish. They can differentiate the different fish that produce different sounds. They memorized the sea location in their mind to assist in the navigation. Some believed that the juru selam made friend with the sea “Befrienders” – penunggu laut @hantu laut @ Jin laut whom they contact to know where they are lots of fish. The presence of the animistic belief in the olden days had led to the festivals like the “Main Pantai” (playing with the beach or if spelt wrongly, it means playing with the bitch), semoh kepala kuba and Buang Ancok (to play with the toy boat except it does not need any screws). Note that the word ancak in Brunei means a very vulgar sex action. The juru selam dived down the sea and stay there for some time to listen to the fishes. The hearing of the juru selam may be a bit difficult on land since I remember that my grandfather was real “rhinoceros deaf”. I like to play with the “ peti @ kotok kelauk”– some sort of fisherman’s brief case / wooden tool box slung across with a string across their shoulder ( like the make up begs slung by air hostess). In this peti/kotok were placed the fishing accessories as well as the rokok daun and tembakau kayar and in one secret compartment is the money earned for the fishing trip. Their special skill as diving specialist will earn him higher percentage share as compared to the Jeragang (skipper) or the Awak Awak (the crew) but not as much as the Tuang Perahu (boat owner) who has the controlling interest of the fishing enterprise. Sometimes, the fish caught were sold to the boat owner at below the par value even though the market price is definitely much higher. Even though the juruselam and other were able to catch big fish but the amount they earn is only as a small fish or even as a finglings.

The beach attire is some thing to be discussed. On a Nudist Beach, any one wearing any small piece of clothing is considered as very indecent since everyone is in their birthday suits. The picture of the lady wearing the flipper was scantily clad in two- piece bikini where the rubber flipper at her foot is definitely bigger than their tops and the goggles on her forehead are larger than the g-string. She was actually admiring the big long tube of the snorkel next to her cheeks with wild imaginations !. In Copa Cabaña or Ipinama beaches of Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, the girls don’t wear bikinis but they wear dental floss. It is nice to see them play beach volley balls, as there are 12 pairs big round things that one can admire. However, in Malaysia, there should be beach attire etiquette where the bikini should be partly covered with light batik kemban. Of course, it cannot be worn to the Parliament as the alternative Malaysian dress!! In the private beaches, one can dressed like bitches but in public beaches, one have to conform to some decency – perlu ada ketatasusilaan bukan nya ketunasusilaan. It s rather odd for very pious Malaysian men who seldom see the exposed white thigh and bulging barest breast since it will cause the Embarrassing 21 Gun Salute at the Battle of the Bulge even though wearing Bermuda short. The Tua man likes to wear Bermuda short to feel young – at least that’s in the Bermuda short is always young. On the other hand, the traditional attire in Papua New Guinea, namely the Long Sheath made of dried gourd is more suitable since it can conceal its size and the positions (up or down). That’s precisely why I don’t like to be in the swimming pool where there are lots of people swimming since my imagination will always go wild. I always imagine - there are those who took bath once a week, those who don’t cebuk, those who have not completely end the monthly period, those with kudis and skin diseases, those with VDs, and even those who don’t bother to go to the toilet to piss, and the pool water become cloudy (keroh) and on diving in, you swallow some of this swimming pool water. Of course, it tastes a bit more saltish with those additional ingredients………

Gandeng Piung

2006-04-03T23:12:00.000-07:00

GANDENG PIUNG

TokKu- The phrase “ Main dam dua, tiga papang” reminds us of the lyrics from the song “Ganu Kite” by Saleng . The VO is PokKu’s husky and sexy voice which of course, sounds better than Ramli Abu Bakar, Jamaluddin Alias or Patrick Teoh. Besides CU,MCU,ICU,4U2C, (angle of the camera shots), the SX ( sound effects) should also include the tune of “ Ulit Mayang” or “Jong Jong Inai” with a light blend of Monsoon wind and waves. Of course, with modern technology, the OX (Odor Effect or Kesan Bau) can also be incorporated . It should be the smell of the Ikang Kering in the air (mild busuk kohong type) plus the smelly salty (hanyir)water in the sea. If the film is shown in the Cinemaplex , the mild ikang kering smell and the wet ikang hanyir smell should be placed in the air condition system. That’s complete the full script of the film “ Piung Ganu Kena Gandeng” which can be shown in the National Geographic.

The word gandeng seems specific to Trengganuspeak. It is the action “ to hit with a stick” (e.g. budak itu kena gandeng dengan kayu) The art of gandeng can be seen in the Indian Panchala Payat silat which use a long stick as the fighting implement as shown in the Tamil movies. This word is very close to another word “ngendeng” meaning “ to ask for something in a very subtle and indirect manner”. When some one is eating durians, you go near him on the pretext of some other business but with the expectation of being offered to eat the durian, You immediately accept it even though it is only a chickenly invitation (ajak ayam). It is more like “ lobbying” – to ask others subtly, indirectly or in most cases with monetary inducements to do something. The US President has to be expansively lobbied to meet the Prime Minister of a small Third World country. This give rise to an oldest profession in the Capitol Hill of Washington D.C. – the lobbyist. The lobbyist may form a company and call itself the Non Governmental Organization (NGO) and will be fully financed by vested interest. The lobbyist or NGOs are to some extent the “ commercial mercenaries” - like to soldiers of fortune which is very lucrative business in battle and war. So, the lobbyist is a professional job which should be called in Malay language as “Pengendeng” and if they claimed as lobbying consultants , they should be called “ Juru Perunding Pengending” . They are similar to the Chef who can cook meat floss as “ Juru Serunding” or the expert flutist like Kenny G as” Juru Seruling”.

Perhaps this unique word “gandeng” may originate from the English language. Possibly, the colonial Mat Salleh was angry with the followers of local rebels (Datuk Merah, Tok Janggut or Haji Abdul Rahman) and asked the Sepoy soldiers and local budok to “gun them” down (i.e. shoot them). However, the local budok were not given the gun but had to use the long stick as a weapon. So, they caught the followers of the rebel and hit them hard even to their death with the long stick. Then, they reported to the Mat Salleh Police officer, “ Tabek Tuang, nok riput doh gandeng orang jahat, sapa doh nok mapuh pung, tabek Tuang”.

Talking about turtle as vanishing specie is the favourite environmentalist topic. Some Japanese turtles were able to mutate into the “Ninja Turtle” with the help of the Sifu Rat. The Malaysian turtle may mutate into the “ Silat Turtle” which is a version of silat in Kuala Berang with Pok Mat as their Tok Dekor. ( Tok Dekor in Trengganuspeak is not an Interior Decorator but a silat exponent). The diminishing turtle is mainly due to the fish trawling – pukat rimau, pukat gajah and even pukat dinosaur as well as tasty salty eggs which once ended in Kedai Payang. The Malays are very respectful of the animal and plants and it may originate from pre-Islamic animistic origin. The Jungle Etiquette of the Malays is very protective and conservative of the flora , fauna and wild animals. The belief is that one should not cut the trees unnecessarily or else one wills kena tego ( reprimanded) to be demang or suffer a severe sickness. The bomoh will chase the guardian (penunngu) back to the jungle – “ yang laut ,balik kelaut; yang bukit. Balik ke bukit; yang hutan balik ke hutan.” But the commercialization and the value of the forest products had change lots of things. The balak trade is very lucrative and the clearing of the forest will result in the destruction of the biodiversity.

The turtle may be fast depleting but not that we have eaten all the telor piung. May be those that got killed in the seas had resulted in less turtle coming up to lay eggs. The testing of the atomic and nuclear weapons in the deep sea will kill the ocean and sea creatures,. It was illegal to bomb the fish but the bombing test by the countries in the deep sea trenches in the Pacific or Atlantic seems to be alright . These countries should be brought to trial to the International Court of Justice under the Laws of the Sea at The Hague, Holland for sea destruction. However, there is one country that refused to sign it since their Generals and soldiers were often discovered committing such despicable acts. They did not want to sign the Kyoto Convention on Environment since they are the main polluter and contaminator of the world environment. They want to be above the international law and in legal terms , only the sovereign or King / Queens are above the law and they are the King of the World.

The practice of killing the whales or clubbing the young seals was well practiced by those in Japan, Europe and North America and Canada. The whale was killed for the large quantity of sperm. The latest Medical report found that the male testes is a good source of stem cells and it can be coaxed to mutate to other vital cells of human vital organs- the heart, the liver, the lung. Soon, the human male specie may face the problem of the Great Big Whale. When he is checked in for an operations and given general anesthetic, he needs to check whether both of the testes are stil intact. That’s how the male whale feel – not only loosing one testes but of loosing their life altogether. On the other hand, they should be caught and using an advance technique to masturbate their sperm out , they may be more than willing to do so and enjoy it too ( as in the case of humans at their early age or making a donation at the sperm bank) .

On the other hand , the Western NGOs are fast to take up and champion the issue of the Third World Country .These western NGOs should also highlight all the Western and American history who not only killed the animals but also did kill human beings which may not consider then as full human. They killed lots of Red Indians in Americas.. They killed lots of Aztec Indian in South Americas. They disintegrated the aborigines of Australia and the Maoris of New Zealand . The Indian were killed on the Black Hole of Calcutta or at Amritsa and the Zulus were eliminated by the thousands in South Africa. The Chinese were too many to deal with and it was better to give them opium to be addicted . The same strategy was used against the Vietnamese with napalm and yellow agent besides heavy bombing. The European ( who blamed it to the Germans ) was responsible for the holocaust which eliminated millions. The best example was the dropping of the Atomic Bomb in Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Japan that killed thousand Japanese. The West will say apologetically, lets forget about the past but the forefathers were responsible then. But now they are actively accusing Malaysia of clearing the jungles killing the Orangutans and the hunting ground for the Orang Penans. The West @ OrangBarat strongly felt that the Orangutans and Orang Penan should be left on their own to roam the jungle and should not be given the opportunity to walk the streets of KL or to stay the campus of Malaysian Universities or to go to London or Washington except they were bring as show piece for exhibition in Enviromentalist seminars to get more funds for the NGOs. The West was romantising of becoming the Robinson Crusoe and they wanted the Third World to be their servant Fridays. They want us to keep our jungles so that it will absorb the carbon emission that their industries and automobiles are emitting for free. It seems tto be our duty to support them on that environment. If not, we are accused of destroying the environment that will destroy the whole world.

The Sabahan don’t kill their turtles. The turtle eggs are on sale at the wet market. However, the law stated to sell or buy or keep the turtle eggs is an offense with very heavy punishment if convicted. However, if you go to the Sandakan market, the “turtle touts” will whisper to you “ Boss nak telor penyu ( like the pimp who whisper to the prospective client ). Usually , I will be polite to refuse them by answering jokingly , “Tak mau lah Boss, saya dah ada dua biji”. This whispering system had been used in the fish auction system in the fish market. The Malaysian rubber auction system is also by the whispering system. Even in the stock market and commodity market like the CBOT now had been converted to whisper system via the clicking of the computer keyboard. Gone are the days of the open outcry that we see in the P Ramlee’s film ( Tiga Abduls) when P. Ramlee auctioned Ahmad Nesfu for a few dinars and dirhams. Besides the whispering, the turtle touts also show the hand signal – the meeting thumb and the index finger which form the alphabet “O” or number zero “0”, that’s the standard sign when everything is OK. That’s the sign when the food is delicious in the Mediterranean, French or Italian Restorante. But don’t ever do that at Jalan Chow Kit Road or Jalan Alor or at cheap sleazy hotels since it means a different thing altogether. If two Lorries were to meet each other on the road, one lorry driver may show that “ O” sign with flashing lights, it means that there is a road block in front . The O sign represents the Malaysian police badge . However, with development of camera /hand phones, the hand signals seem to be phased off. They send the professional team known as Tonto to survey and tail the presence of the Police and JPJ. They drive powerful vehicles and literally can bump of the police patrol of the road. In fact , the Tonto is more daring than the Lone Ranger.

In the Philippines, the turtles are very important politically. It was once reported that during the election under President Marcos, he was able to obtain the full votes from an island which is only inhabited by turtles. This is the “ turn turtle” votes is where the postal votes will help to turn the results of the election. There were once even unfounded allegations, accusations and counter allegations that the Trengganu turtles were also able to vote. Nevertheless , it is what the British called the process of the swing of the pendulum .Once the Conservative is in power and the when the swing on the other side , the Labour will com to power. As in Trengganu , it is the swing of the pendulum which resulted the changing colours from blue to green to blue…what is important is that the colour of people future should also be bright and not bleak.

Other Nuts

2006-04-02T17:08:00.000-07:00

Tok Ku- It was a very nutty weekend for you at the lake in the old TTDI. That’s the man-made lake for recreation - jogging, just walking, “Tai Chi” or toy boating. When TTDI Lake was first completed, some rascals went on motor bike on the track. On the other hand, the new successful TTDI (TTDI Jaya) was naturally converted by the recent flash flood into a big lake where the inhabitants have to use real boat to escape from the rising water. They did not loose only the nuts but lots of damaged properties in terms of soaked car engines and household items – an estimated loss of RM 100 million. So, the toy boat nut is just a small peanut... The TTDI Lake is the place where during weekends, the pensioners who attended the dawn prayers and lectures (kuliah subuh) at the Attaqwa mosque will change from the holy attire of kopiah, sarong pulicat or thob, baju melayu to track suit and running shoes to jog / walk on the track around the lake. However, now and then, they will meet sweet young ladies wearing revealing jogging shorts and bulging T shirts on the track and then, the pahala (religious merits) obtained for the dawn lectures will be heavily discounted.

As you jog along the rubber track at the hilly part of the lake, you can see the plastic sachet on the rubber trees. The use of LITS (Light Intensity Tapping System) is a modern method of tapping rubber that reduced requirements. LITS process is simple. First, the rubber trunk is stimulated with gas (some sort of vegetative foreplay!). Then, the trunk is poked with a long hard hollowed metal rod. The white liquid (latex) will then flow out into the plastic bag to be collected once a week. Nowadays, rubber is very valuable at more than RM 7.00 per kilogramme as compared to only 70 sen per kilogramme. This windfall price is due to the high cost of petroleum based synthetic rubber and high from P.R. China – for making tyres, gloves as well as the “ one finger glove” for birth control and AID prevention purposes. But smell of rubber (like the unwashed moist socks) reminds of the smelly environment and many other smelly things in the kampongs and also of the Lee Rubber factory once situated in was in Gombak. At times, the smelly things are very nice and appetizing – like anchovy sauce (budu), the prawn sauce (cencalok) and fish perkasam /jeruk. Other than the cup lump rubber, there are other smelly things (if not hygienically kept) that are also very, very nice …… (Censored)

Nuts are very relevant to the TTDI Lake especially with the presence of the relatively urbanized monkeys that inhabited the lakeside hills. They were looking for food and often trying to befriend the joggers. Sometimes, the young baby monkeys hanging upside down under the mothers tummy looked very pitiful. If the monkey were to multiply fast enough, their population will soon be more than the morning or evening joggers. Perhaps, the offer of some peanuts may pacify them but they are more sophisticated and won’t mind to be given KFC, Pizza, McDonald or the left over from takeaways from Rasta or Maqbul.

The groundnut or peanut from Mengelembu, Ipoh is very famous. It used to be a part of Chinese New Year celebration dish besides oranges and aerated water. That’s before they are malaysianized with the catering fried meehoon, rendang, satay and Penang laksa. What is left is the peanut gravy ( kuah kacang) for satay, ketupat or pressed rice (nasi hempit). Now, even the peanut gravy is commercially packed by Brahim, Adabi etc. with a bit of lecah taste. The fried groundnuts are more tasty and aromatic as compared to the boiled and dried salty groundnuts. However, the local variety has small nuts with limited number per pod as compared to the peanuts grown by the former American President - Jimmy Carter. So, the local groundnuts are also vanishing and being replaced by the big, fat imported variety from US and even China. Even local peanuts are going to be lost due to the economic globalization. That’s in addition to the imported soft IKEA furniture gradually wiping out the indigenous handicraft and household furnitures and fixtures made of beautiful tropical hardwwood.

There another interesting nut, namely, pistachio. The Malay called it “Kacang Cerdik’ (the clever nut) because it will split opens upon ripening. These nuts are located at the end branches of big trees and difficult to harvest. So, a harvester machine was invented which hold, shake and vibrate the trunk until all the ripe pistachio dropped off into a net. . The same technique is used for harvesting olive fruits.There are other nut-like things which need to be shaken by vibrator but with different shape and size and for different purpose. The flavoured pistachio nut is found in the Mediteranean market and Middle East bazaars. This pistachio nut is also difficult to find here because they are very expensive.

Next is the cashew nut, i.e., jambu golok @ gajus @ketereh. The semi curled nut is attached externally to the fruit wrapped in a natural plastic-like pericarp. In the East Coast, they thrive on the marginal Bris soils which bears fruit to coincide with the squid season (candat sotong). The techniques of “grilling” the cashew nut was unique which was usually done on the sandy ground under the coconut tree. First, a layer of dried coconut leaves with the fronds was laid on the sand. The raw cashew nuts were arranged on these leaves, which were then covered with another layer of dried coconut leaves. When the leaves were torched, the plastic-like nut shell released and burned the gas like the gas stoves. Using a small wood baton or small rocks, the blackened cashew nuts were knocked open to peel off the aromatic burnt nuts. Be careful of the gum (getah) from the pericarp, if it gets to your lips or chin; you will have the kudis there. It is difficult to find these freshly burnt cashew nuts anymore and the art of burning them is dying. The cashew nuts found in nasi beriyanni, chocolates or tarts are mainly imported from India or Sri Lanka.

The other nut is the Penang nut (No, I am not referring to you, Lucia). The Penang Island gets its name from this “buah pinang” but it is vanishing fast and being replaced by the nutmeg (buah pala). May be Lucia will consider to rename it as Pulau Pala or Nutmeg Island. The areca nut is an important ingredient in the betel leaf (sireh) chewing. However, this nut is also difficult to find nowadays which are used for ceremonial purpose at the engagement and wedding. The nut is sliced into thin pieces with a unique cutting instrument the “hand guillotine” (kacip pinang). So, the famous herbal plant known as “Kacip Fatimah” can be literally translated as “Fatimah’s Guillotine”. One can image the power of Fatimah’s grip with sharp slicy movements... This has to be equally matched by Tongkat Ali roots (Ali’s Walking Stick) whose long tap roots is hard and solid. By the way, the Ginseng roots from Korea should be renamed “Tongkat Kim” since the common name in Korea is Mr. Kim.

There are the nuts used to make chocolates and the special “chocolaty taste” is derived from the fermentation of the cocoa nuts / seeds. This fermentation process will create the “tapai” taste. There are also other nuts used inside being embedded in the chocolates – Brazilian nuts, almond nut, hazelnut etc. The Brazilian nut has a funny bashed up shape. The hazel nut is pointed with the size of finger tip and similar to Hazel’s nut (if you have seen or touched one). These nuts are also difficult to find since they are very expensive and are now being substituted by the cheaper locally fried groundnuts.

The biggest nut in the world is nut from the coco palm tree-the coco nuts which is different from the cocoa nut. There are also the inedible nuts which are also difficult to find. There are the rubber nuts with lovely lines like tigers and they were used for batu selambut or anak congkak. The saga nut ( biji saga) is red in color used to be played in a game of colek – and push the seed with the small fingers and if they hit each other , the two saga nuts are yours. However, the young children were always curious often shaft into their nostrils. The entry into the nostril will end them in the emergency ward. The myth if it stays there the saga tree will grow from your nose. The saga nuts are difficult to find nowadays but the nuts for the proton saga are plenty.

There are the human who are nuts. In this rapidly moving urban society, many of its member is going nuts – as evidenced by many criminals who gone nuts and committed suicidal acts. The strain and stress of the urban life drive them nuts. and we heard of rape, outraging modesty, breast groping etc. Well, the girls have to know a very important nut tip against these nuts. A kick at his nuts at the groin will immobilize them. The two hands /fingers can be used as nut cracker mechanism by squeezing them hard . This is different from the male ballet dancer whose bulging nuts look very indecent and very distractive too. The same is with the cyclists of Le Tour de Langkawi where the winner is crowned on the stage. Some how the bulging nuts of the winner look very vulgar and one cannot take away the eyes from them. It is proposed that in Malaysia, the male ballet dancer and male cyclists should wear the traditional “samping” to hide these rather indecent bulging nut

Tongue and Taste

2006-03-23T18:16:00.000-08:00

TokKu- It’s difficult to describe the “pedo” taste. When the sambal nasi lemak is well cooked, you have the perfect sambal taste. However, if the “tumissing” is not well done where the cili boh is not well cooked, then your tumis will taste a bit off -hot but not that perfect sambal hotness. That is not the pedas taste but “pedo” taste, namely, the wrong kind of pedas. The same thing may happen to asam pedas. If the tumis “belum naik minyak”, the final dish may not taste nice because it is the “masak asam pedo”. Worse still, if there is more water and insufficient salt in the dish, it is not only pedo but also lecah and ceghoh. May be Chef One can explained how the cooking have gone wrong. As for maung taste, only those staying in Batu Maung, Penang will know the actual taste. One can imagine the rock in that place taste very maung. If you accidentally eat the black ants in the unripe green rambutan, then you will get the full taste of maung. However, the Muang Thai is different from maung taste which can be tried in Patpong in Bangkok.

When you are suffering or recovering from high fever - the high body temperature may burn all your taste buds. Everything tastes bitter. No wonder the sick person is always bitter and cranky and many wish that they get better soon. The bitter taste buds are enhanced by the consumption of lots of bitter pill. That’s why many resort to the technique of swallowing the bitter pills on the rock and don’t put on the tongue to be washed down with water. That’s the case of not “makan ubat” but “telan ubat”. However, once the bitter taste is gone, then you come to the stage of kemaruk - very hefty appetite to eat a lot to compensate for one week of bubur nasi or no food at all.

A person metaphorically has “Taste” if he likes beautiful,classy,pricy expensive things. Some say it is taste that makes one sophisticated. Others argue that it is money that creates taste – with money one can acquire taste. Without money, everything will taste pedo, lecah and tawo heber. Aesthetic vs. economic? If there is economoney (ekau no money), one will be anesthetic. If one have lots of money and have no taste, there are lots of others who can help to spend it – wives, mistresses, children and friends who will help to squander it and find the entire classy, tasteful thing to buy. It needs special taste to enjoy Picasso or it also needs money to buy one. In addition, one can use the company fat accounts to buy Ferdinand Boteros though.

The tongue is a very unique organ and can be very instrumental even for love making. That’s the exotic techniques is not taught in Kamasutra (the Harvard School of lovemaking) which was more preoccupied with strategic positioning. The rouge surface of the tongue and quick movement may transmit the special feeling to the recipient. That’s what is meant by the Australian kiss. This may be practiced more in the hedonistic Western society which gives high priority to satisfying one self. It even occurred in the England Middle Age when King Arthur sent all his knights to war except for Sir Lancelot. To protect the knight wives from extramarital co-curriculum, there were strapped with chastity belts and the beautiful ones were equipped with additional accessories - guillotine. When King Arthur knew about the lecherous activities of Sir Lancelot, he was summoned to the palace. When questioned as to his involvement in seducing all the beautiful ladies, Sir Lancelot just shakes his head and was completely speechless.

On the other hand, there are the exotic French kiss which involved intricate inter tongue twirling and sucking. That’s how the expression “tongue tied” may originate. The tongues are so tied up making them speechless. In Malay, when one goes for soup lidah, it may means that on will actually get the ox tongue soup instead of the ox tail consommé. To the younger generation, tongue soup means French kiss and they love to have “soup lidah” on their dates. I suppose the Australian kiss is known as sup kerang – the clam chowder. However, when lovers quarrel they resort to serious tongue stabbing (bertikam lidah) as opposed to stabbing other things when they are in intimate situation. If I am not mistaken, the fatwa by Sheikh Qardawi stated that it is permissible between legally married husband wife to do so to please one another. That reminds me of the younger days when reading the Juzu Amma there is a diagram of the tongue and you cannot jelir to it ,if not it will cut your tongue. It is actually the diagram of the mouth and tongue all right. But it is a chart to pronounce the Arabic alphabet (makraj) and not the instrument for cutting the tongue. But the thick Melayu accent acquired from eating lots of belacan cannot imitate the Arab makraj or the Queen’s English pronunciation. We have to be satisfied with the present Manglish or Malarab pronunciation.

Luga Hoki vs Hockey League

2006-03-17T02:01:00.000-08:00

TokKu – Luga and loya can also be described as that uneasy and funny feeling felt by those who dislike my long comments. Some may get luga and loya reading it and can just skip it. Hope that PokKu don’t get luga and loya and I’ll carry on as a GUBLOG (GUest BLOG). What a goblok I am!! Luga is also the gut feeling of not eating rice. It is as though you have not eaten anything at all. That’s how Malaysian student who goes abroad and live eat potatoes and bread only- until they found the Oriental or Paki shop that sells belacan and Maggie mee. It is not only physically hungry but psychologically hungry too. On the other hand, when you eat sweet things (manis letin) with empty stomach – followed a pang of pain in the stomach that poke your heart’s corner (tikam sudut hati). One may need to look for the toilet urgently before splattering in all directions. This is different from eating hot stuff – like sambal ikan bilis nasi lemak which give the stomach ache of gastric feelings. Obviously, all the hot chilies were in active chemical reaction with the intestinal lines. If left unattended, it may lead to ulcers which start as stabbing pain in the stomach and during the expulsion down below. This feeling is well described in the minute details by Shanon Ahmad in his infamous thick novel – SHIT. Be careful, it may even lead to piles or even colon cancer. That’s the fatal attraction of the hot stuff like sambal or lemak chili api or asam pedas to the gastric sufferers... It is like suffering from food poisoning – uneasy, painful with active bacteria multiplying. That’s what one term as the pain in the Ar____. So, luga can also be described as the twirling feeling in the stomach. When it is pushed to the throat, it become loya (pronounced as lawyer) – the feeling of throwing up or vomit. Loya also occurs at the early stage of pregnancy when the body chemistry is trying to adjust to early developing fetus. This form of luga or loya is not the case of eating the wrong food. But it is the case of the intake of the right protein which leads to luga in the stomach and loya in the throat. This is the sickness what the traditional Malays termed as “penyakit orang buat”.
Once upon a time, hockey was the only Olympic game that Malaysia used to excel – one of the top seven nations of the Hockey world. Malaysia once played against Holland in the quarter final in the World Cup on the CEB hockey field at Bangsar. Malaysia should put more efforts in the sporting events where Malaysia is of standing. Don’t put resources and efforts in promoting the Japanese Sumo wrestling. Or in other sports like football where we came behind Vietnam. And now hockey is fast following football – we are at the Nigerian’s behind. Many will agree that it will not be long when Malaysia will even loose to South Korea in sepak takraw. The Korean will excel in sepak takraw if they apply the Samul Undung spirit to sports as they have done to Samsung electronic goods. Badminton is bad and may not turn to Malaysia favour in future. Malaysia hockey for man had become the sport of the village champions ( jaguh kampung ) as once called to badminton. Malaysia Boleh - in this case it is Malaysia Boleh Kalah !!
Lots of rules in the hockey games have changed. The throw in is replaced by the hit in, the short corner is renamed penalty corner need not be too stopped by the hand. The swing and back stick rules are different. This is to speed the game instead of always giving the advantage by the referees. The hockey stick is also different. The curl at the end of the stick is smaller – more like jambu golok seeds. Remember the famous teka teki : buah apa , biji nya diluar .Besides, jambu golok which is single seeded, there is another buah which is double seeded…...guess what?) Last time , the hockey stick was like the sabit rumput shape. Now, the goal keeper is well dressed up – in fact overdressed. The face mask, the breast pad, the leg/shin guard, and the big hand gloves and of course the unforgettable vital accessories the B - Guard ( B for Balls) .. This guard is neccesary to prevent the hockey ball from joining with the goalkeeper’s balls. Or to prevent the attacker’s hockey sticks from joining the goalkeeper’s stick. As for the ladies , they also wear this guard which should called the V – Guard (V for ?) In the past, it was the goalkeeper who was scared of the opponent’s penalty corner swing, balls and sticks . Nowadays, the goalkeepers are clad in Japanese Shogun warrior armory and it is the attackers who are scared of the goalkeeper- who can swing / slam the hockey stick, slap with his big gloves and head on collision with his helmet and faced guard. The body plus head on collusion will do much damage to the forward line of the other team. As to the names, the Malay/Muslim ( male or female ) without the family name or surname will have problem in oral or written form. So, the father’s name is assumed as the surname and one is called by that name irrespective of the sex. Cik Fatimah binti Jantan will be addressed as Miss Jantan even though she is a perempuan. When traveling abroad, one is very apprehensive to put the family name in the immigration card since it come with a Bin. Mr. Ahmad Wok Lodin will have the surname of Bin Wok Lodin which may be mistaken for Bin Ladin. As to the given names or Christian names, they are also apprehensive to put the Arab name – like Osama, Aiman, which may attract the Immigration , Customs and even the Quarantine – who looked at you as a plant !! As to the hockey team , they should stick to the name at the back of the jersey – if not, they should be given a name tack as a common practice in Malaysia and the commentator

The C words..cattok,cokkeng,etc.

2006-03-15T22:35:00.000-08:00

Tok Ku – This is a very late response to your call to elaborate on your range of Trengganuspeak C’s words…….. better late than never and it is now or never. The word “cekek” and “cokek” refer to the action by the fingers /hand. Cekek pronounced with sabdu in Trengganuspeak (ce’kek) is to strangle and tercekek is equivalent to being “choked”. Cokek is to poke with your index fingers on to a friend’s stomach so as to induce spontaneous uncontrollable verbal diarrhea (melatah). Cekok (cekak) is to hold a handful – e.g. cekok rambut is to hold a “handful” of hair to be tied into pony tail. Traditionally, it is done by females but nowadays, this unique skill has been acquired by men with long hair. Vegetables were once sold in this measure – se cekok pucuk paku, se cekok pucuk ubi kayu. Cekok pinggang is an action of putting both hands on the hip when one acts bossily or angry. When the “fox choke your neck”, it is not that you’re being attacked and strangle by the fox. It is more of a foxy fashion neck collar “ cekok musang“ - hard high collar version of baju melayu as compared top the soft version leher penyu ( turtle neck). On the other hand, some one may “cekok” your neck because he is “mussang” type. Mussang here means hot tempered /short fused and definitely not foxy, itchified or lecherous type. Cakkong (changkong) is to squat like the ngokrong position. A good example is the recent “naked squatting” in the police station (cakong telanjang bulat). When she cakong (doing the ketuk ketampi), there are many “bulat” and “cattok” things moving too which tempted one policeman to take the video shot. Of course, there are many other hand-related actions by man/woman which may not be appropriately discussed here (censored)
Cokeng is not the process of making coal or mixing the coca cola drink with the secret recipe. But it often refers to elongated object that is elevated from the drooping position to an upright angle and stays there. The angle of the lift (degree of cokeng) can be referred to the vertical clock face, i.e., it goes from 6 o’clock position not only to 3 o’clock but up to 1 o’clock. In medical check up procedure, this angle of elevation is important in determining whether one is impotent. Cekoh (cekah) is the action of gripping with your fingers in attempting to open up things. You can cekoh durian – pressing down and hard on the durian apartments (pangsa). So, cekoh durian and kopek durian are similar. But when one tries to “cekoh kopek”, it is a different action on different object with different intention altogether. When doing it, it is to cekoh but when it is readily in the opened up position as a result of sitting posture, it becomes cekkeh (cengkeh) due to the shape of things. So , the Malay girls/women are advised to sit properly so that it won’t result in the cekkeh position. Therefore, never make the mistake of saying the wrong thing at the wrong person at the wrong time such as to “cekok kopek” or to “cekok cekkeh”! . If not, it may lead to someone to cekoh bedil (to cock the gun) to shoot you instead of just cekok your collar or cekkek your neck.

Besides “cattok”, there are many adjectives to describe the shape and stage of the female bosom . Cotek is in very small shape and at the initial female puberty stage. Before the cotek, it is very flat and termed as leper macam papan or termed sophisticatedly as the aircraft carrier. At this stage, one can still can use the traditional kampong bra ( female singlet ) which is worn by the young ones ( initially no assets) as well as by the old ones ( depleting assets). Some may try to make this mole into a hill by using lots of padding in the bra. But to some, “small is beautiful” – remember the model Twiggy? The traditional Japanese culture believed that “flat is beautiful’. So , the geishas wrapped it up in yards of kimono cloth to flatten them. However, the Japanese culture and taste are changing now as shown in the unwrapped Japanese models with big Fujiyama Mountains. The degree of “cattok” usually increased with maturity . With the ripe age plus the genetic inheritance, it will slowly increase even to the level of bursting out i.e. Dolly Patton type. The mid valley region ( cleavage) can be very appealing to men. In the Middle Ages , it was deliberately made to pop out of the corset like balloons. In the KL Mid Valley Shopping Complex, the men will have a good time window shopping those mid valleys of those wearing low neckline. So , it is not right to say only women like to window shop at Mid Valley – men also window shop at those mid valleys there. By the way , if one is planning to establish a breast lifting plastic surgery clinic, the advertisement should read as “ Kecattokan Payudara adalah Kecantikan Wanita”. The near cousin word is “macung” ( mancung) but it refers to the nose ( hidung macung) or teeth ( gigi macung @ jongang). There are those with initially small assets or those with the depleting assets who frequent the beauty saloon / health clinics to get the breast massage to enhance its size and firmness. But the actual idiom to “massage the breast” (urut dada) means “to calm one self down”. When one is excited or scared , the heartbeat will increase and to reduce it to 120/80 , one may physically “urut dada” . Furthermore, “mengurut dada” means differently from “mengurat duda” especially the ones with titles, money and looks - even though they are in the late 40’s, 50’s or even 60’s.

BioFuel (Bahanapi Biol?)

2006-03-06T22:43:00.000-08:00

TokKu – The price of petroleum has increased by 30 sen only. Mujur, it is not by 30% or 30 US or Euro cents. Gone are the days of full subsidies and low prices of only 70 sen for the diesel. So, we better get use to it since we cannot rely on the depleting fossil fuel and depleting subsidies anymore. Many are still clinging to the argument that since petroleum is produced locally, the citizen should get it at cost or staff price. But the companies’ profits and corporate tax forgone are too much to be missed. The country needs the money for development or for settling the commitments. The increase of over One Billion Ringgit per month pocket money should be closely monitored. As in the case of our children, the additional pocket money should not go to the purchase of cigarettes, pornographic material or worse still, for buying drugs. The same principle should also apply. That the cutting of this subsidy should not cross subsidized other unnecessary projects since many with get cross which eventually may affect their future crossing.
The reduction of the subsidy is the initial step taken in facing the reality of fueling the Malaysian future. We have only 17 more years of fossil fuel reserve and so far no major oil strike. After that, we have will become the net importer of petroleum at high price. Where will Petronas be than? Will it be like MAS? It may not be able to fly high financially like the Ayamas but has to fly low like the ayam hutan (Ayam Hutang?). One way of catching these “wild fowl” in the oil palm plantation is done by using the net (jala) and by ensuring that no wild or foul expenditures being incurred.
The chain of events expected to occur is the subsequent inevitable increase in prices of other things – including those that are remotely related to petroleum. (The price of massage by female masseur had increased by 30% since it is petroleum based massage oil!) The main logic of the trades is that every thing should increase by 30 sen or 30% per unit – irrespective of its transport cost components. It is easier, a more cleverer and profitable way to calculate. However, it should not be done now when everyone is watching closely on this issue. It should be done by the “Salami Approach”, namely, gradually, slice by slice, five sen by five sen so that nobody will notice or feel it. As the proverb says, “An inch a day, will not keep the customers away.”
There was so much talk about biofuel or in Bahasa Malaysia; it can be transliterated as “Bahanapi Biol”. We have lots of cheap palm oil but it was not economically viable to be used as biofuel when the price of petroleum was below US$ 28 per barrel. It was appropriately then sold at higher price for food and not for fuel. But now with petroleum hiking to US$ 63.63 per barrel, we should go into palm biofuel. Some announcements were made here and there but nothing concrete materialized. Palm biofuel can be made by converting the palm oil to diesel. Alternatively, the plain cooking oil can be blended into diesel to run diesel engines. With the high price of petroleum diesel, lots of people in Europe or US are using UFO vehicles for traveling (UFO = Used Frying Oil). However, in Malaysia, this UFO has to compete with yong taufu makers, the pasar malam traders and poultry /pig farmers. Malaysia has 17.5 millions of tonnes of palm oil supply per year as compared to only 10 million tonnes of diesel consumed per year. So, palm oil can do a lot to supplement the diesel use. Palm oil can also produce “alcohol material” from its sap to produce gasohol like Brazil. You can see that alcohol was fueling the vehicles in Brazil as much as it fuels the population (especially during the Mardi gras dancing and sambas at the Copacabana beach.) Fortunately, this palm vine industry did not develop in Malaysia. If it were to develop here, there will cases of Mardi Gras and Samba in palm plantation, besides the recent night clubs, prostitution and gambling and cock fighting in the midst of oil palm plantation. The rural urban migration can be reversed as there will be more attraction in the rural areas in the dark night as compared to the urban bright lights.
So this new biodiesel which is Environmental friendly Vegetable Oil origin should be called as ECODIESEL or ENVODIESEL. Ask the VVVIP to launch and endorse it. Use it for government vehicles as it is done in the US. Every body will get hooked on it instead of fully addicted on the fossil fuel. So , instead of only the diesel brand of the Seven sisters such as Shell, Esso, B.P, Petronas etc, there will be palm biofuel Cap Buruh, Cap Pisau , Cap Helang , etc. like the shelf of supermarket. The advertisement of F1 Racing Cars will be Minyak Cap Buruh or Minyak Cap Helang. The unsubsidized market price of diesel is RM 2.20 per liter as compared to RM 1.50 per liter of “ Refined, Bleached, Deodorized and Double Fractionated Palm Olein @ Cooking Oil”. The exhausts of the diesel vehicles will smell like the smokes of grilling the satay... Perhaps, the palm biofuel blend should include a bit of lemon grass and onion (serai and bawang) so that when you’re caught tin a traffic jam, it will be the smell of Satay Kajang. That’s the solution to the issue of fuelling the Malaysian future.

Warna Colour

2006-02-27T23:48:00.000-08:00

TokKu – Your curiosity on the particular colour “virgin yellow” of Proton Saga brings our attention to one nick from Trengganu. He is more of orang Kelumpur now staying a stone throw away from Rasta where we had the last gathering. He can be seen more often at Masjid Attaqwa of TTDI. I still remember his Peugeot car with the number plate of WNI – Wan Nik Ismail. His official car was the elongated proton which looked like two cut proton cars ( proton potong) being welded together ( which may not passed the Puspakom now.) His early days were involved in serving as Dungun’s DO and the General Manager of Ketengah. He had served and contributed a lot to Trengganu and to the country. So, we cannot make fun of him since he may sue us for libel and slender. I hope my grand uncle will not send such a registered letter from his legal firm.
My mum sewed baju Melayu for hari raya. She liked the green colour and the baju will always be the shades of green- Ija pucuk pisang, ija pala itek/ija lalat ija, Ija Pati Pah, Ija Petronas. Nowadays, the colour often becomes the theme of the wedding reception. Everything in the hall / hotel is green even the drink (look like like Fanta drink ) Every body wears the same colour to look like Boria team or Dikir Barat Group. It would be better if everyone were to wear all the shades of greens, it is more colourful. The colour black will be referred to the Wok Bottom Black (hitam patat kuali). One has to wear the all black baju melayu for the investiture function except for one State which allowed the wearing all other colours but not the royal sedondon. So, don’t don’t wear baju sedondon or one may not be allowed into the balirong and the medal will be posted to you.
Merah jambu is also known as merah samar. Samar /samor also means blur. So, there is the blur trap (Jerangkap Samar) which is the booby trap which is different from the trap for the boobs. Water apple or jambu has a different meaning in certain boy’s residential college (as kodok means different thing in certain girl’s residential college). The jambu had evolved into from the Prophet Lot’s lot, to the queer to the homos and now to the gay. These jambu boys are often much sought after for the annual concerts and dramas in the boy’s school /residential college to play the role of the girls. One cannot imagine of the Thai jambus where some are even more beautiful than the real ,original female . When they felt that the beauty contest is unfair judged, instead of pulling hairs, they will punch up like the Muang Thai Siamese boxing. Some said that they are also very hot since they take lots of Tom Yam Kung.( That’s what I heard but never ever experienced)
Many Malay children don’t know the Malay term for the colour “orange”. The younger generation will just call it “oren” but actually, it is “jingga.” So, the next time the waitress asked ”nak minum apa?” - You should ask for “Air Jingga Segar”. If it is not available, then ask for “ Carambola Juice” or for the “Stoned Water Apple Juice”. One doesn’t have to “mencarut” ( talk vulgarly) when asking for “carrot juice”( air carut) if it is called “air lobak jingga.” The other colour is purple/lilac which the younger generation will call it "perpel" but it is actually “ungu” in Malay . If you don’t know how to pronounce it, this word doesn’t rhyme with Cik Gu but it rhymes with dungu, (stupid). Earlier, I was wondering why mangosteen is not allowed in hotels since it has not offensive smell. Later, I realized that it has an offensive “colour” especially when it stained the white sheet into Dunhill red. The natural purple colour is from the kamunting fruits or the senduduk flower. The best Malay pantuns used creatively the local fruits and colours as their shadow clauses. The best pantun should rhyme in every corresponding syllable , words and sentences. The modern pantun just rhyme at the end of the sentence ONLY. How I wish the local hip hopper and the rappers can create such rhymed lyrics. It is a challenge to Too Phat (Terlalu Gemuk or Very Cool) to compose Malay rap songs in that manner instead of just sounding the same at the end of the sentence . The Melaka State Government had recently launched the One Million Pantuns Project and it should also take note of it. Here is an example of a good Malay pantun which should be rightly called a pantun. If it does not meet this specification and only rhyme at the end , it is not a pantun but should be called just as “puntung” as the case of “puntung rokok” ( all the filtered cigarette butts are the same !! ) . On the other hand , if it rhyme partly , it should be called a “pontoon” which floats as a bridge but not a real bridge.
Bu-ah lang-sat ku-ning men-ce-lah
Sen-duduk ti-dak ber-bu-nga la-gi
Su-dah da-pat ga-ding ber-tu-ah
Tan-duk ti-dak ber-gu-na la-gi
The colour blue and yellow have different cultural context. . The European royalty and aristocracy will be from the blue blood but the Malay will be from yellow blood. Only Mahsuri from Langkawi has white blood – may be she was suffering from leukemia when she was stabbed. One the other hand , the colour blue when attached to a film is related to the yellow culture and the premier show is in the Red light area. When there is a blue car behind your kampung house, it does not mean you’re well off but a lazy bump, since the belukar ( secondary jungle) is not cleared. . So much so, until “ada ulau berlengkau dalam belukau.” as expressed in the Melaka pantun.
What is brown ? The skin colour of the Malay is described as sawo matang ( ripen ciku fruit). Some have off white/ yellowish skin or kuning langsat (dukung yellow). Others especially in the coastal area like “Stone Raft” are rather dark as “Wok Bottom Darkness” patat kuali. However, there are the white people –orang putih (omputih) Mat Salleh or in other State known as Orang Balau or orang bule (Indonesian). In Indonesia, they don’t plant pokok koko but they planted pokok coklat and pokok karet. ( Getah). In the sixties, a sexy and voluptuous lady was described as “bergetah” - which in Indonesian , it should be “berkaret” (rusty). It kept one wondering which part of the lady is “bergetah “and which part is “berkaret”? The old Malay word for brown was perang ( pronounced as “pair” + “rung”) and that’s was before koko were introduced in Banting ( Selangor) and Sungai Tong (Trengganu) . Perang when pronounced as “ purr +rung“ is war and that’s when the bring out their parang panjang in the olden days. It will end when one party put up the bendera putih ( white flag). There is one colour which is known as the “wiped out red” - merah padam. That is when one is very angry or blushing . We don’t like to be in the red in our account ( akaun merah) and after a long outstation trip, the husband would be frustrated if the wife put up the red flag ( bendera jepun).
What are the colour of the rainbow? Most of us can still remember them as VIBGYOR or as Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vain or Ring Out Your Grandmother Boots In Vinegar, i.e., Red Orange Yellow Green Blue Indigo Violet.. Sometimes, in his Blog Tok Ku really “ showed his colour” on certain issue. But in malay language , we don’t say Tok Ku “tunjuk warna” but tunjuk belang nya ( show his stripes) excluding his nose which is not stripped (hidung belang) but rather beautiful and sharp like hidung belalang.

Well Oh Well

2006-02-19T20:01:00.000-08:00

TokKu- Trengganu is well economically, being well endowed with many oil wells. The Duyung well as well as the oil well in Tapis area perform very well for Trengganu. This wealth from the sea oil wells should improve the well beings the people on the land. Unfortunately, all was not that well for a while with the confusion of the status of the well’s output - royalty or ehsan? All that is well ends well. The main concern should the well being of the people so that they are well looked after and don’t have to go back to drawing water from the well. The endowed wealth is God’s ehsan to mankind, not so be squandered elsewhere or else well. Usually, the waiter/captain /Chef will always ask, how do you like your steak? Rare, Medium or Well Done? Well, I always like it Medium Well (between medium and well done) If it is Rare or Medium, you can see the red blooded uncooked core. If it is well done, you can see the black overcooked hard meat. However, if there are so many customers that day, your steak will be late and you can safely assumed that your steak is not done yet or even left “undone”. The Chef should make sure that the steak is done - immaterial if it is tartar, rare, medium or well done or very well done. The population of this state don’t want the steak (daging panggang) with black pepper sauce but sufficient for them to have good ikang panggang cicoh black anchovy sauce (@ budu) ….sedap makang sokmo.

If you have the chance to go to the old market gardening plot at the outskirt of your town, there is a special well where the organic fertilizer is kept. (Remember the Geography book by GED Lewis– Ah Chong the market gardener in KL). Its location is difficult to spot since this well is usually well covered. However, the spot which is well swarmed with flies will indicate where it is. However, there is not many of such market gardening anymore now except in some specialized organic farming which used the organic fertilizer. I don’t like the modern chemical fertilizer which has the pesticide residues but upon recalling the organic fertilizer well, I still prefer the vegetable using the chemical fertilizer. There is also the Blind Well (telaga buta.) which is a dry well. The water usually comes from the water eyes (mata air) which dripped out like the watery eyes. I suppose, the water eyes had gone blind – thus the blind well. There is the Telaga Batin which is near to the Trengganu airport. The well may be full of water, wet or very dry depending of the season of the month. Be careful with those with dry telaga batin which may be very closely related to the tenaga batin. In addition, there is the wishing well is where you can throw money and make your wish as well. If you go to Melaka, use to see at Hang Tuah’s well and Hang Lipo well and even the semi pro divers by the well side. You can ask these divers how are they and they will answer “I am in the well” which is in this case literally and grammatically correct.

There is an interesting activity known as “menimba ikan” where a water body is blocked and the water is being drawn out with the use of buckets. Finally, when the water is fully drained, the fish are left to swim in the mud ( bernafas dalam lumpur) without water and those who are participating in the menimba will share the fish- puyu, keli , haruan and even the small ikang karrin & ikang sekila. One goes to the institutions of higher learning to “menimba ilmu”- to bail the knowledge. At the end, one may obtain the rounded keli or haruan fish like thing called the scroll. Nowadays, one will also get a piece of a note “You owed the IPTN RM 50,000 “. However, with the present standard of English in Malaysia, one may misread it as “You owned IPTN RM 50,000”. If the blocked water body is located below a big tree, one will get all those dry leaves instead of the fish. With all the efforts of menimba ilmu (as in menimba ikan), one get a few small ikang puyu at the end of it-not enough to be fried for your lunch. At the end, you will get small paying self employed job (a graduate burger seller at the road side) or no job at all. Are Malaysian graduates too choosy? If it happened to you or your children or your grandchildren after a relatively expensive education, will you want to sell goreng pisang at the road side? The highest category of unemployed graduates are the qualified and very “high–tech” graduates, namely, those who are doing the IT or lately ICT.

One favourite subject taught in the primary school of the yesteryears was Hygiene. (It is more advance today since modern subjects such sex education and oral hygiene is taught but many get mixed up between the two). The ground well should not be located at the lower slope or lower water level than the kampung toilet (jamban curah). The jamban curah is one stage of progress from the “jamban raya” which rotated from bush to bush or from one favourite spot to another spot on the beach. If the ground well is on the upper slope, the content of the human waste will seep though into the well. One may argue that it will be filtered by the soil. But when there is a heavy rain, the water just flow into the well. Usually, the well water do not taste that good after a heavy rain or flood. The use of jamban curah will require one have to bring a bucket / “timba” along or alternatively, there is a ready bucket by your side. Don’t ever kick the bucket or else you have to walk to the well, draw (kara) the water and bring it back to the toilet for the wash up. If the hole is too big, there are cases of people who fell down into the hole and kick the bucket. This toilet with a ground hole is the ideal dream of the golfers – every swing or terang (which should not be translated as “bright”) will always get “a hole in one”. If you are having stomach ache, it will be a bogey or double bogey as in the case of the urban public toilets nowadays. That’s the problem with the urbanites using the urban public toilets (Jambandar = Jamban + Bandar) They cannot aim well and never get a whole in one. They never get a hole in one and like bowling; they never get a spare or a strike but leave behind well splattered all over the bowl.

Spell vs Sound

2006-02-18T05:05:00.000-08:00

Tok Ku- To pronounce certain foreign words based on its spelling may be difficult. For a new English student, it is much easier to pronounce the Pidgin English of Papua Niugini. At least, they pronounce what they spell. Wi ken si en rid it es it is riten. Izy to pronoun en not difikut en wi ar orait. The French spelling and pronunciation are usually doing not coincide. They spell and pronounced differently. So you have to have a good French teacher to be able to pronounce what is written in French. They say it is better to have a lady Mademoiselle – because you can follow her tongue movements with your own tongue in learning to pronounce during the French lesson. I once took a train to a destination spelt as Angier- asking for a train ticket to “ ang – jeers”. She did not know that place. Finally, she told me that it is not “ ang –jers” but “ Ong – Zey”. When asked for a ticket to Bordeaux, I was very offended when the ticket seller tells ma that I am “ Bodoooh”. I get my biyet (Billet) anyway. The famous main road in central Paris is Champs d Elysees and many pronounced it as “Chemp di El Leici” – sounding like someone in the Guinness Book of Records as the “Champions for Eating the Arabian (El) Laichees.( as opposed to the Singaporean Lychees.) The French teacher told me that it sound like " shon di eli zey" .

The French like to spell with extra alphabets but does not sound it . Louis is pronounced as Lui as in Sungai Lui. When one go to Petronas Philomonic Orchestra tolisten to Chopin , they are not going shopping . They are going to listen to some Show Fun music which rhyme with the Chinese “Sek Fan” – to eat rice. Those in Perak will be able to pronounce Paris properly which is pronounced like those living Bote Kanan as “ Pa-ghee” or by the fishermen in Seberang Takir can pronounce the name of the sting ray fish – Pari. The be-day (bidet) which is fixed to the bowl is used for easy washing of the intricate anatomy. I suppose why it is called bidet since once have to really aim ( bidik) the water to the right part or if not, it will splash all over you. However, toilet should not pronounced in French – toy ley , it should be pronounced as it is . Toy–Let . As in the case of a small toy is toilet, a small book is booklet and a small Singh is singlet. The toilet in KLCC is very expensive costing RM 2.00 per piss and if no one uses it , sooner they have to put a sign “ VIP Toilet To Let”.

Then there is the branded products. Many Like to wear branded well like “ Lan – Vin” but the original French is “ Lan – Varrng” . Double “ LL” is pronounced as Y like papiyon ( Papillon), biyet ( billet). Therefore, some Japanese products may be difficult to identify. For example, “llamaha” should not be mistaken for the four legged animals of the Andes but it is a motorcycle. Mount Fullillama is in Japan and should not be mistaken for Klang Lama. The Spanish has also different pronunciation for different letter. The incidence of the kidnapping Sabah was near the island of Holo (Jolo). Hose ( Jose) is a popular Spanish name .( the water hose invented by Senior Hose ). Havana is the capital of Cuba but Havanese are the inhabitants the island of Java in Indonesia. Mexico is pronounced as Mehico. I suppose, Taxi is pronounced as “tehi” ( similar to the Hindustani “nehi” which make it sound like tahi in the East Coast of Malaysia. ).

There are also problems in sounding Malay words of Arabic origin. Zain Azraai which is mispronunciation of Azraaei . We don’t pronounce the name of the former Minister as Datuk Sha-fi-aai Mohd Salleh – but Datuk Sha-fe-i. . When you do the tasbih , the word subbha nallah have to be properly pronounced. When pronounced in a hurry, it becomes sabaha nallah where sabaha means “swim” ,thus, sabahnallah may mean a different thing altogether. To say that your beautiful girl is your “ idaman kalbu” may not mean “ what your heart desire” (idaman qalbu) but “what the dog desire”. In the Russian currency, the cents is known as kopeks . So, if you are in Moscow, you have no money ( ruble) but only a few Russian cents – then, you have your last “kopek” . But you can split open your durian in Perak – kopek durian. But never ask the lady durian seller that you want her to kopek. You will be big in trouble. However, if she has very big assets , she may only smile since she knows that many cannot resist that !

Damned & Marked

2006-02-07T21:23:00.000-08:00

Tok Ku – It was a case of delayed action. This issue was on since September 30, 2005. (Jylland Posten may be inspired by the anniversary of the second week of the month of September). The reaction was only month’s later and some countries were fast to reprint the cartoons (including local newspaper, i.e., Syllawaland Posten ) . However, the issue was “something rotten” which earlier wrapped in the Danish butter croissant by the “French kisser” or embedded in the smelly Danish cheese as verified by the “Australian Kisser”. Malaysia was then in the festive holiday mood concentrating on the heavy traffic jams on the highways. The khatib did not take up in the khutbah since the text was prepared weeks earlier and the sermon cannot be delivered impromptu. The Danish were also celebrating the national orgy on this issue then which can be seen in the danish pornos where they also wish one another “Kongsi F.…k Joy”.
The Vikings ancestors have two horns. Perhaps, they were depicting the human version of the upright walking creature with two horns. So, what can we expect from the two horns? Naturally, they should behave in that way and if not, we should be surprised. The two horned creature was “damned” and “marked” until the Hereafter and that’s how the name of the country is derived – the country of the Damned and Marked i.e. Damn-mark. So, the moral of the story is that we don’t imitate or behave like the two horned creature or think like a Jylland Posten cartoon editor, Mr. Donald Dane. He apologized for hurting the feeling but defended his freedom to print it. That’s double talk which may sound like an apology but actually it was more of a double insult. The only thing, the Damn Mark people know on good Press Release is in their porno film where they pressed and then they released coitus interruptusly. They are very good, very professional and the world’s best in porno film production besides in drawing caricatures.
This issue is escalating. This Damn Mark newspaper had rejected or censored the publication of the Christ cartoons showed their true spirit of Press Freedom The Iran newspaper, Hamshari, is having a contest to depict the Holocaust as to how the European treats the Jews.. Human being will have full of initiatives and creativity indeed in inciting and reacting hatred and anger. (This comment itself is a good example !! ) So, it should be treated with extreme care. Damn-Mark was among the liberal countries which practiced very liberally the freedom to press each other. You said it correctly “ Think for a moment that the cartoonists live in a very "liberal" country. They might not know who their father is and there is no one to tell them what good taste is.” Let’s keep religion as the ideology of peace and not to be downgraded to the level of Damn - Mark’s press freedom ideology of piss.

Instant Delay

2006-02-06T01:10:00.000-08:00

TokKu – What’s the hurry? Sooner or later, Derumo will definitely comment. Wat’s the hari? Today is Monday, unless you’re on the International Date Line. I remember a teacher who explained the concept of International Date Line. You can jump from one side to the other of the dateline in the Pacific Ocean to perform the Monday–Tuesday dance. So, there is no hurry as in the proverb – “slow and steady, you will win the race” as in the case of the turtle and the rabbit. However, as the same teacher warned that if you are too slow, you won’t make it!!
We always want something instant. That’s how we get the instant noodles – Maggie Mee “Cepat dimasak sedap dimakan”. We perform some good or bad deeds want to see the result immediately, momentarily, instantly. From the religious point of view, we have to wait for the Hereafter. Well, it is some sort of insurance or futures trading. If there is the Hereafter, those who took this insurance or futures options (doing good religious deeds) will get the endowment or payment then. Even if there is no such things as hereafter as the agnostic atheist believed, one still had lead a good and calm life in the world. On the other hand, those who don’t subscribe to this Hereafter insurance premium or commodity or currency futures trading, they will be in deep shit if there is the Hereafter.
What other instant things? Instant girlfriend – look for social escorts agencies. Instant wife – there is an old age profession in this field. But it had become more sophisticated nowadays. And of course, one can get instant VD's, CD's, DVD’s or AIDS and however, not an instant death but a prolonged suffering physically and mentally. Many younger generations are also doing the instant marriage followed by instant divorce. They take the holy matrimony as on trial basis – till the end of honeymoon, we do part after the parents spend thousands of Ringgits for the whole ceremony at the top 5 Star hotel. The philosophy is when one faces a problem, run away immediately. Corollary, when one feel the itch, it should be scratched immediately for instant gratification. That seems to be the philosophy of many easy going new generations. If the ears are itching, there is the ear digger or the cotton buds. If you back is itchy which is unscratchable, you can ask other to scratch your back. There is the Malay belief that if your palm is itchy , there is some money coming your way . However, in the modern days, they pour heavy grease on the itching palm – thus, the term greasing the palm and everything moves smoothly. One feel very disappointed , if some one scratch your un-itchy car since you have to pay a lot to repaint it. And of course, the famous Japanese lady spies in Malaya before the Second World War, Miss Itchybawah to whom many Malayan were patronizing then. Those with itchy tongue may be slashed verbally but the latest trend was many get slashed “parangly”. Even the youngsters nowadays like to scratch – they buy the prepaid and scratch for the code number. The “scratch and win” is an instant lottery which replaced the old “tikam“ small gambling and most of the time is “tikam and loose” . However, if your eyes is itchy , don’t twitch it in front of other ladies or you‘ll be accused of “mengorat” them in the old fashion way.
The old philosophy is to “cari makan”,that is, to earn first, save some and then consume. On the other hand, there is the widespread philosophy of “makan gaji”. You “makan” (consume) first and then get you “gaji”(wages/salary) to pay them with nothing left to save. It is the concept of living on credit and bank’s OD. However, in this new plastic card age– we are encouraged to consume on credit. The rafting upstream so that one can row downstream easily with the tide seems not applicable anymore. There is always walletful of “credit cards” available and before the bank bring you to the “credit courts” which declare you independent of all the assets. Those who go to Chettiar or Along will have to bear along a higher risk. Sometimes , the along’s bouncer will bounce the insolvent borrower like a basket ball. Another form of credit are things bought on hire purchase. On paying the down payment, the car is hired until the down payment fully utilized. After that come the “chase” by the “kereta tarik” who will not leave you even though you try to belanja them “teh tarik “. Don’t be surprise that they will take you car and leave you in the panas terik ( hot sun). Kereta tarik, the tarik and panas terik are all bad for you and so , don’t play ,and play with them.

Viking Hijrah

2006-02-04T00:41:00.000-08:00

TokKu- The Chinese New Year is more popularly known as “Hari Raya Cina” and not so much as the tahun baru . So, it is related to the Festive days and not so much the New Year - rightly or wrongly. When it falls together with the raya Melayu, it becomes Kongsi Raya and not kongsi tahun baru. The practice of ang pow of the Raya Cina is similar to duit raya in the green packet. So , when the Muslim new year come , it is not associated with the Chinese new year at all.. Based on the lunar calculation , it somewhat coincide with Maal Hijrah this year. So the Cap Goh Meng will coincide with Hari Asyurah. So, we will have the Moon Cake and sticky kuih ketupat ( kuih abu) and bubur asyurah .That’s how rich our Malaysian culture is!!

The word awal muharram reflects the original concept . First January is awal January of the new year. However, I am wondering how it becomes maal hijrah “With Hijrah “. I prefer to stick the awal muharam. The popular SMS is “wishing you 12 months of sakinah , 52 weeks of barakah, 365 days of Iman , 8760 hours of good ibadah ,5256000 minutes of qanaah, 31536000 seconds of taqwa …..

Of course , there is no count down at Dataran Merdeka or Twin Towers. But there is a count down at the mosque where the group will recite the Yassin and do a bit of Tahalil . Every one is counting down that they have spent a year of their life ( beribadah or bermaksiat) and is getting one year nearer to the onky certainty in life – death. It should be interesting to note that Prophet Muhammad died at the age of 63. Every Muslims will be using this benchmark. Of course, some die earlier and some have bonus to go over that age. However, we should remember that the age was calculated according to the Muslim calendar year which is lesser than the Gregorian calendar . So , Prophet Muhammad died at below 60 years by the count of Gregorian calendar. However, the bonus years should be filled with full Ibadah Let’s pray lengthen their life and increased the ibdadah…

The Muslim calendar year did not coincide with one’s age accounting year for the good and bad deeds. The individual accounting year is from Mid Syaaban to the next Mid Syaaban . The record is closed on 15 syaaban ( nisfu = half , Ahmad Nisfu = Ahmad Setengah . Perhaps he was born in the mid saaban and potrayed well as half baked character in films. Then , there is the night of of power ( lailatul qadar), that’s the last 1/3 of the month of Ramadhan – that’s when your fate for the year is brought down to the world by the angels. So , one may find it difficult to coincide these three periodic years. . The rule of the game is to carry on doing good deeds , be clean in all aspects of life and pray hard.

It is like the preparation of the trial balance at Nisfu Saaban . The debit and credit ( DR & CR) of all your deeds will be recorded and the account will be closed. No amendments made and no more blanco or canceling. The file is closed , saved in the disk and then uploaded for the detailed record to be retrieved in the here after. The final balance sheet will be handed over at the day of judgment . to you depending it is handed with the right of left hand . The number who is waiting for grave to cradle report card will be handed with the left or right hand. It is like the whole seasons of haj at the Arafat. The reconciliation of all the accounts will be done by the time you puff the last breath . The qadar night will provide the rezeki for the year until the next qadar. The nisfu saaban will ensure that you will be given the new record book . Those who will die within the year will not be given the record book.. Those who will die will not be allocated the rezeki fully the whole year. The most important thing is that you will have a small surplus after deducting the credit from the debits. In most cases, the debits are more than the credit and we should apply and pray for forgiveness – that’s to write off the aged debits with His blessings.

We cannot label Islam. There is no Extreme Islam or Liberal Islam. When we touch this issue , we are coming to a very sensitive area of labeling Islam . The Mazahabs are different things which are based on the rough and finer interpretations without any conflict. So , labeling of Islam as such may be counter productive. However. the labeling of Islam or prophet Muhammad is brought to the extreme by Denmark. They labeled Islam as terrorist on the prophet cartoons. It was not against the Danish law. But it is against other people religion . This is the freedom that you can condemn or make fun of others irrespective of the meanings. The Scandinavian countries have been liberal in many sense of the word. They were the pioneers free sex , exchanged partners,gay and lesbians, centre of pornography which is giving full freedom to human being even to imitate the animal kingdom. One should visit the red light district of St. Pauli in Copenhagen , the sin capital of the world. It is not surprising being the culture of the Vikings. The girls have blonde hair but if you look further down , it is still black. So , the Malay proverb to them is “ bulu sama hitam,hati lain lain”. Their civilization was the two horns ( there is another creature which is human like which have two horns). Surah kahfi did mention of the kaum with two horns ( dzukarnain). We can see in their culture in the film 13^th Warriors and even depicted that the Muslim warrior (13th) prayed and have one round with the Viking maid before going to battle. Since Denmark label Islam , it is a quid pro quo action to identify the Denmark label ( butter, cheese and biscuits and dairy products) . After all these products are produced with no halal certification and we don’t know how clean they are. It is a good start in abstention from consuming non halal food?

Dog Days

2006-02-01T22:25:00.000-08:00

Tok Ku- Any other Malay “knotted language” on the Dog? Doggy Spouse – Saudara Anjing? This is a very interesting concept, indeed. When a divorced couple who got married and bring their own children to the family, the daughters and sons are “doggedly related” brothers and sisters. On the other hand, “Macam anjing dengan kucing” literally means “like dogs and cats”. It does not refer to a very heavy rain but to a very quarrelsome family. Can the “saudara anjing” children marry each other since the real dogs can do that. That’s why it is termed dog-related . This case is in a very “grey” area – “satu kes yang agak kelabu tahi anjing”. The colour grey ( kelabu tahi anjing) should be differentiated from the “ kuning tahi” colour ( very dark yellow.) Grey is the colour the politician sticks to since there is no black or white but every thing is in between, namely, grey. So, the unprincipled politician should be known as “ politkus kelabu tahi anjing.” Barking dog don’t bites – but don’t bet on that proverbs. If ever they have the chance, they will have a piece of your sweet flesh from the arm or thigh. Chased and bitten by dog at early age was a psychologically frightening experience and the fear factor stays on. “Anjing hitam” is the black sheep equivalent but of the nasty type. And “anjing kurap’ literally mean “dog with ringworm and fleas” but it is the equivalent “Pariah Dog”- defined as the ownerless half-wild mongrel dog common around Asian villages especially in India.
There is the “Black Dog Bone” band that played very good music in the yester years but it did not deteriorate to the Black Metals. The famous Spotted Dog in Selangor Club was the symbol of British colonialism of Malaya under which the colonial masters and planters had their “setengah” whisky. Another proverb is “ anjing kalau tak makan tahi, sekurang nya mencium nya” ( A criminal will always be tempted to commit criminal acts ) . A dog has a good sense of smell. The latest medical findings are that it can smell the developing cancer in ones body. The dog can also smell the perverted dog lovers i.e. those who love eating dog’s meat. So, the dog will keep barking at them. There are the drug dogs ( some are promoted to the rank of sergeant) with the ability to smell drugs however well hidden or concealed. They say that it takes a thief to catch a thief and corollary, it takes a drug addicted dog to detect the drugs. Poor dogs ! they were used as test animals for space travel, medical purposes and in drug detection. The animal rights NGOs are fuming over this issue. So, we can imagine that the training programme in the “One Stop Centre” for the drug dogs will have the reverse curriculum than that of the “One Stop Centre” for human.
Its has been a hard days night and I’ve been working like a dog. That how hard working the Beatles was to reach the top popularity in the music world and not overnight reality TV winners.. So, one has to strive hard and in the midst of failure to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. This should be the attitude and philosophy in this very competitive “dog eat dog world”. Dog Biscuit is part of the packed ration of the early British soldiers. It is very handy when one is very hungry patrolling at the borders. It is similar to” biskut keras or roti keras” and taste delicious when celup kopi O.The famous thinking dogs are Snoopy of the Peanuts cartoons. It has a big statute at the Grand Canyon which one can see when flying low below the sea level. The most intelligent was the British Bulldog – which helped Britain to defeat the advance of Hitler’s German. During the World Wars, the most interesting dog fight was between the British Sopwith Camel, Spitfire and the German Luftwaffe and the Japanese Zeros – the zero is more feared since the kamikaze pilot are braver than the British or American pilots nowadays who only pressed the buttons and killed thousands of afghans and Iraqis. They are not in the real “dog fight” fighter pilots but only “ video game” player fighter pilot.
The “doggie position ” is of course very different from the “piggy ride.” That’s the dog’s way of showing their passion even in public. However, the show of affection in public should also have its limit. The Eastern culture is not so demonstrative – not in the dog’s manner with very limited sense of privacy. But the West shows their affection so demonstratively to the extreme pecking and hands wondering ( raba - raba dan ramas - ramas) oblivious to the surroundings such passionate affection in public is a taboo in India but who produced the well described positions in the great The Kama Sutra ? Even not being so demonstratively affectionate in public, they can be very gymnastically talented in private. However, to show such affection in the public place or LRT is similar to the dogs obliviously doing their things in public that is not within the Eastern cultural values. The worst thing that can happen is when the two dogs get tied up physically. That an interesting sight to some but a terrible sight to others – especially when the children ask - what happened to the dogs. It is difficult to answer them. One way to get away with it is that since the dog have only legs (4) and don’t have hands, that’s how they are holding hands in public. Some of us have to face the unfortunate situation of explaining to the children why a couple is stuck of mouth to mouth (CPR) with octopus fingers in the LRT or in the children playground.
Why do the dogs get tied up into such a physical knot. That’s the case of doggy love which can be strongly tied up as compared to puppy love which is only occurring as one off feeling The explanation given by some is that at the climax, the head get expanded and being lodged inside. They have to wait to shrink to dislodge. The dogs should be trained not to have it in public or they should practice coitus interuptus. Unfortunately, they cannot be trained as such. On the other hand , human beings with the Eastern values can be trained not to outdo things in public places as free Western society !!.. Sometimes, I wonder how the “ Hot Dog” gets its name .That is when the male dog is very hot , it expanded to look like that being wrapped up in a split bun – what a sexy imagination of the culinary arts!! . That’s why I don’t like hot dog since it reminds me of what belongs to the dog when it is on heat or hot respectively . Finally, Gong Xi Fa Cai and Kong Hee Fatt Choy in the year of the Dog

"Tak Lut" vs. Loots Talk

2006-01-16T21:46:00.000-08:00

TokKu- The Sebarang Takir incidence is what the knotted language (simpulan bahasa) called the “ Durian Runtuh”. However, in this age of modern marine transportation, it is more appropriately termed as “Kontena Jatuh “. I suppose, it was a Hari Raya gift to those village fishermen. After all, it is still in the monsoon season and no one can go fishing. If the fishermen don’t go to the fish , the fish will come to the fishermen. My cousins, nephews and other villagers had to stay home and consume boiled and sautéed tapioca ( ubi kayu rebus) and eat rice with solar dehydrated fish (ikang kering) and salad with anchovy sauce (pucuk ubi celor cicoh budu). After that , they sat at the house verandah smoking home made cigarettes ( rokok pucuk tembakau kayar ) and sipped “Kopi O” takdok susu setabuk ( Starbuck coffee). In the late afternoon, they played one or two papans of dam aji “Di Bawah Rang Ikang Kering “ enjoying the nostalgic aromatic air of dehydrating and rotting fish scales. That’s life for the modern and yesteryears fisherman of Trengganu. Those in Seberang Takir, Mengabang Telipot, Batu Rakit, Merang , Setiu, Kuala Dungun, Seberang Pintasan, Kuala Kemamang had swam in all the sea waves ( Di Bawah Alunan Ombak of Tok Roshed Ngoh ) for a long time – the Green Waves, the Blue Waves, the Kerteh Petro Waves, the Ayah Pin Waves, and all of them were waving their hands to the fishermen who were left behind.
Once in a life time, they can have good big prawn and nice “Free Brand “ cigarettes . The last time they had such windfall was when the Americans were running away from Vietnam – lots of things were drifted to the South China Sea. There were lots of stories of the fishermen findings at sea – helicopter, planes which the fishes converted into tukung ikang ( fish house) and personal accessories, gold watches etc. which the fishermen retrieved from the rotting American GIs. The fishes caught by the fisherman then were relatively fat then since they were well fed. Such windfall comes to them once a while such as during the election season. I remember that the whole road of Seberang Takir was fully tarred once – even to the smallest pondok . As for the fisherman, the erection season may come quite often especially after a few nights at sea ( while the wives were at home) but the cold, windy and rainy monsoon will increase its frequency. . The contents of the container was carried away and consumed by contented villages. The comments from the beneficiaries were that the large prawn was very tasty and the cigarettes were very smoky. The perishable food was consumed to avoid wastage – perhaps , the consignment was shipped on c.i.f basis with the premium paid to the marine insurance and the company will be adequately compensated. The looting of the Kontena Jatuh may be argued to be illegal and immoral, etc. and those involved may be verbally persecuted and legally prosecuted. However, this is the case where the law on looting seems “tak lut” to the villagers since the evidence had been deposited in the loo or the beach toilets and taken away by the sea waves.

Left vs Right

2006-01-10T21:50:00.000-08:00

Tok Ku- There are many ways of consuming consomme and soup - rightly or wrongly; and it is very contextual to the culture. Seeping soup or drinking soup or for that matter, one can use a straw in consuming the “gear box” consomme. Soup seeping is very rampant now after the Qurban ceremony. The volunteers will boil fresh cattle bones for soup. Many will scoop it politely using spoon or seep direct from the bowl. However, the large femur bones of the cattle can be used to make the :gear box” soup and the vital organs can be made into the famous “torpedo soup”. When it comes to the fifth gear, one need a straw to suck all the delicious semi liquid cooked bone marrow (in the consomme form).

The Westerner will take the soup at the beginning of the meal. The Chinese will take as the first item in the menu – shark fin soup. The Malays will take the soup just before ending the meal. The Thai will take the soup simultaneously with the meal – seeping the hot tom yam while eating the rice. It reminds me of a friend at a Japanese meal – having Obento in Bentong. He did not take the soup because he was waiting for the waiter to bring the spoon!! (Actually, it should be seep direct from the wooden bowl.) It also reminds me of the oversea tourists who were served the multi ethnic Malaysian food, i.e. Satay (Malay), Banana Leaf Rice (Indian) and Grilled Spring Chicken (Chinese). When asked “do you like the food?” They replied “the satay was very nice except for that hard bones inside; the banana leaf rice was tasty but the green salad was too hard to chew and the spring chicken was delicious but the tea served with lemon in the bowl passed by Malaysian friend have some gravy taste!!”

There are numerous connotations on being on the left side of things or a leftist. First of all, the left hand is the right hand to wash your bottom bare handedly if you customarily consume food using your bare right hand. When one has to urgently pick one’s nose, the little left finger is right tool to be used. The usual uncertainty faced during a formal dinner is which side of the plate is your drinking glass ? If you’re eating bare handedly, the glass of water on the left is yours. This is a Malay custom and it may be due to some practical reason. You right hand and fingers are full of rice and curry. If you use your right hand to hold the glass, the whole stuff will be transferred to your glass – which makes messy and dirty. On the other hand, if you are attending a formal western dinner with the whole armory of forks and spoons on both sides of your plate, then the glass of water on your right is rightly yours. The glass on the left belong to your neighbor. If you take it, he will get choked in the middle of the meals. But how do you scoop the lauk (curry, korma, acar)? Here, left is right. You use the left hand to hold the spoon to scoop the lauk. You don’t want to mess the handle of the spoon with the rice and curry and the next person may find it difficult to hold the handle.

The left handed man who plays rock music in Malaysia is known as Man Kidal. ( The Left Hander Man) He is still active in rock and roll with long hair . Every time before starting to show his skill (even with his teeth to plug the guitar ), he will confessed that he has already have grand children and still can rock, baby. However, the local singers have to learn to sing the National Anthem correctly. If not, he or she or it, will be thrown to the sea- according to the view of one “ Right Honorable Parliamentarian” in Malaysia. This happened to a veteran singer who wears a Ten Hats - Mr. Hatten who is well known now as the Left Dishonourable Artisan”. He felt very sad and deeply hurt by such remarks by the Right Honorable Parliamentarian. That’s why he sang in Negeri Sembilan / Minang dialect the song entitled “ Biso Beno” ( Very Hurtful and Painful, Indeed). . However, when one hears it wrongly, it sounds like “Besor Benor” ( A Really Very Big One !! ) One wonders as to what or whose, he is referring to ? His or Hers ? His – the tall, thin and slightly bent ( tinggi, kurus dan bongkok sabut) or Hers- the one that have to do the naked squatting at the police station. He should have promoted this song and it may be top hit again. Many of the song become top hit again when it was re sung by the Mawi ( Baliau Benci Dadah) even though it did not sound as good as the original singer once from the One Stop Center

The leftists were those not in the “ centre” or “centre right” or on the “ right” with implicit political connotation. They were associated with Socialist ideology or , they were even at the extreme left - the Communist. The irony is that the most ardent Capitalist nowadays is the People republic of China. The PR China is the most powerful money lender in the world today - overtaking low interest Switzerland Euros or the cheap Japanese Yen Credit ). PR has become a power ALONG State in the world. The Left seems to have left their ideology behind. It is interesting to note that the headquarters of the Communist Party in Warsaw, Poland is turned to a vibrant Stock Exchange. It was a trend among the university student in the yesteryears to have the leftist views on things. But now the term is replaced by extremist and terrorist and no body should ever be associated or go near it to be labeled as such.

In UK , the Commonwealth and Malaysia, we drive on the left side of the road which is the right side to drive. On the other hand , in the Continental countries and US, it is only right to drive on the right. I wonder if anyone has any theory on why there is a difference in driving their opinions. When you drive a left hand drive steering, you left hands tends to wonder around looking for the gear at the door handle. It’s just a routine reflex action. How about in boxing ? Most of the actions were done with the left hand- left jab, left hook, and even left upper cut. When you give the final punch with right blow, the consciousness left the boxer and it is a KO or TKO.

How do you get to be left hander? I suppose, when we are small our mother will always hold us with their most comfortable hand-her left hand. A left hander mother will hold the child with their left hand and the child right hand will be immobilized leaving only the left free. So, the child will be more mobile with its let arms and hands ,thus becoming left hander.- the Kidal Kid. It is interesting to watch the left hander write - holding the pen. They hold and write from the top of the page. Whether right or left handed , the hand writings of the younger generations is horrible. They were asked to write and copy the exact letter or number when their finer motor skill (fingers and hand detextrity ) were not developed yet. Some of the old generation have nice cursive hand writing. It was due to a special subject taught i.e. hand writing, the punishment of writing lines sentences repeatedly , the regular attendance to detention class where you had to copies pages of certain book, and even playing with batu selambut/seremban. This fine motor skill was very well learned and developed among the older school generation and it is very useful in their fondling activities!! They don’t just grab and grope but fondle it slowly and passionately. So, the knowledge of fine motor skill is not only for lovely hand writing but can be extended to the loving activities. Usually both the left and right hand/fingers of the man are equally good in performing this function.

Milk King

2006-01-04T00:45:00.000-08:00

TokKu- Sweetened Condensed Milk (SCM) was very famous in the early fifties. The top brand was the Milkmaid (Susu Cap Junjung) and lots of infants were fed on it. Then, come the era of milk powder ( susu tepung or susu bubuk) with the famous lektojin, dumek or S26. Now there are even intelligence milk – the one who advertise that way is intelligent but there is still no guarantee of the child will be intelligent. Only lately, the mothers are reverting to breast milk (Susu Cap Gantung) because that is the best for the baby. One cup of human milk has 70% less protein, 38% more fat, and 47% more carbohydrates than cow's milk. The nutritional makeup of cow's milk is much different from human milk. Another difference is the recycling of the container. The container for the Sweetened Condensed Milk or the Powder Milk can be used as a toy for the baby. On the other hand, the container for the Susu Cap Gantung is usually used as a toy for the father.

Which type of cow can provide most milk? The misconception is that a fat healthy cow is a good milker. No, not so. If she is a large size and fat cow, it means that she store most of her fats in the body instead of converting them to milk. On the other hand, a very thin cow with well endowed udders and firm teats are good milker. Her thin body doesn’t conserve fats; the big udders stimulated the mammary glands to produce more milk and the firm teats are good for squeezing. How much milk can a very good dairy cow (milker) produced in her life time? It is equivalent to the volume of one normal swimming pool!! The service given by this milker is as good as a stud bull which provides the natural services to the cows instead of by artificial insemination (AI). So, they use to say that a good stud man is one who is tall and thin with a natural slight hunchback (tinggi, kurus dan bongkok sabut)which has the same feature as a good dairy cows. Unfortunately, those who obtain the artificial hunchback due to the brittle bones (osteoporosis) at the age of over 60s are not included in this category.

Milk consists of 3.5% to 6.5% milk fat, 4% to 8.5% Solids Not Fats (SNF) and about 88% water. The various types of milk depends on the amount of milk fats in it. The American used the term cream for the fat. The full cream milk has the full natural content of milk fats. The skimmed milk is which all the milk fat being removed altogether. The evaporated milk has very high portion of milk fats and solids not fat. The Sweetened Condensed Milk (SCM) is the one where the sugar is about 75 % and liquid milk is only 25%. It is like what our grand mothers used to do in making the “air sirup”. The sugar is cooked into a very thick solution with red colouring. It is the same thing in sweetened condensed milk where they cook the sugar into a high viscosity thick liquid and add milk (cream) to it. It is an irony when one order for the teh tarik and ask for less sugar ( kurang manis) or don’t use sugar at all !!! - since 75% of the condensed milk is sugar.

On the other hand, the “teh tarik si” uses the evaporated milk with high milk fats is also fattening. There is the “filled” milk where milk fat is removed to make butter or cheese and it is replaced with vegetable oil fats. Finally, there is the whitener or creamer. This is by strict definition is not milk. It is the white vegetable fat powder plus water plus sugar. That explains the different price of condensed milk on the shelves of the supermarket. The cheapest – non dairy creamer, coffee mate, whitener etc. is not milk at all. So, your Mamak the tarik will use this cheap so called “milk “ not to avoid fats or sugar but to make profit. The pseudo milk has lots of sugar in it. Besides watching the “ Teh Tarik King” in the TV we should have some knowledge of the “Teh Tarik Tricking” and if not we will be debating the diabeting effect of the tarik all the way.

Computer

2006-01-02T20:59:00.000-08:00

TokKu- There is at times some misconceptions on the computer by the computer illiterate parents. Some children are so engrossed with the computer. But they are concentrating on the not so educational contents such as the chat, games and sometimes sneak into pornography. The computer has brought in an open book into our home and onto the children lap. At the younger age (4-8) they are still very innocent. . Once they come to the adolescence age puberty, they are tempted to explore more curious websites. Instead of being interested in computer software and hardware, they are more interested in computer “under wears” It is like smoking - take a puff or two and get hooked with the future tendency to be upgraded to smoking drugs. It is like getting hooked to blogging or to certain favourite blogger like Tok Ku– you can’t go for a week without it.

Remember those secondary school days. The “Famous Three” i.e. Playboy, Lady Chatterley Lover and Kama Sutera were being passed around as a red spot reading for boys. It was far more popular than the Famous Five of Enid Blyton which was for the girls.( I am not sure what is the famous Seven for those computer enthusiast over 60’s.) The grand finale is the black and white photos of the Japanese pillow literature and illustration which you pay ten cent to have your first look at such things. Today, there are many computers “Nanny” which can block those websites but the youngsters are very clever and get around it. Even the Kuantan video clip was widely circulated and Lucia was jokingly serious wanted to look at it.

Hacking seems to be the dark side of computer (Dath Computer) which provides the fatal attraction to some computer nerds. . Malaysian hackers are among the world top. There are children who like to solve problem – fix the jigsaw puzzle, complete cross word puzzle, or dismantled the electrical gadgets and they are registered Mensa member. It may be fun for them to learn to hack and even practice to hack on the neighbour computers. There were cases of Form 4 students in Kuala Lumpur who were ordering books /goods through internet using the cleverly stolen credit card numbers. Several Malaysian students in the UK had internationalize this knowledge and sold computers to other Malaysia students. They are now in Her Majesty’s IPTA (In Prison Till Acquitted).

Malaysia produced many IT graduates. Most are only the operators of the computer packages and not the traditional system analyst, programmers or computer hardware engineers. These packages can be self learned instead of getting the diplomas or degree for it. I had a niece who completed her teaching degree in education and majoring in IT. I tried to talk on computer but she seemed so blur except knowing some common packages. And I later discovered that she only took one subject on computer package only which qualify her to major in IT!! Instead of offering too many glamorous IT courses and graduates, it is better to stick to the traditional - system analyst, programmers or computer hardware engineers and data base management and networking.

However, we should not underestimate the value of video game in computer. With telemedicine and remote operation, video game is a good foundation to keyhole surgery. The nimble finger for surgeon is now being replaced by the ability to operate video game in operation. A good angioplasty surgeon in IJN can do it in 20 minutes while the inexperience ones will have to struggle and sweat through the procedure for 2 hours. So, there is good prospect for those who score in Biology and good in video games. In fact, the video game simulation of performing neurosurgery or heart transplant should be offered as video game computer packages this will allow the children to have some virtual taste of their career in surgery, flying planes, constructing building, bridges etc. If they are interested in human anatomy, they should be given to perform virtually the circumcision, child delivery or Caesarian operation so that they can realize their other biological functionalities. This is a better career guidance than the counselor who may be very theoretical. I know how to fly a plane, fight in a battle, and fight an unarmed combat through computer simulation. However, the computer research and resource units of the Ministry of Education had not come out with much of such packages. Of computer learning. It is worth commissioning even millions of Ringgits to design these career oriented computer games and distributed to our students in school rather than on computerized schools. The school may be a smart school but the student may not be that smart!

Finding Places

2005-12-28T01:30:00.000-08:00

TokKu – It is always the case when you try to find the place, it is difficult to locate it. You will find all the other roads except the one you’re looking for. It is worse during the night – when it is all dark. Sometimes, you feel like giving up and suddenly on the way back, EURIKA, you found it. What is worse is if your navigator is your wife. She may not be so the reliable and you become an alligator – very angry and “libas sana libas sini’. The Malaysian / KL road map should be in details or digitized so that we can identify the streets and the exact house. Malaysia is very poor in road signage. It is placed at the most unstrategic place, i.e., at the junction itself and by the time you see it, you have passed the junction. The navigator or driver should have a good orientation, orienteering ability and map reading. The fault with some navigator (wife) is that she look horizontally from the ground and very dependent on the road sign and landmarks. We should be looking from the top - imagine we are hovering around the area on a helicopter. If not, you finally end quarrelling with your navigator, buy burger at the side stall ( missed your kenduri nasi beriyani gam ), sour face on the way home and if it is on the Friday night, missed the night too!!

Sometimes, you wonder why it always happened to you especially when you are desperate to fill your petrol tank. Or at week ends when you need cash and your bank’s ATM is not functioning. Fortunately, there are the MEPS where we can draw from other ATM. Most of the time, you have to use other bank at the cost of RM 1.00 extra. So, always take the money early during the week ends. Sometimes, we take for granted that the ATM is for our convenience but the ATM usually conveniently went out of order.

The stealing from the mosque or other place of worship is a very, very bad and sinful indeed. At my mosque, when everyone were performing the Zohor prayers, a car conveniently came and collect all the shoes. Everyone was furious over the incidence and had to walk barefooted. Everyone was thinking the probability of the daylight robber strike again was very remote. But during the Asar prayers, the same car went for the second round to collect the shoes. Finally, every body was on the alert for the Maghrib – but of course, the thief was smart enough not to come again – The banana tree won’t bear fruits three times in a row.
That reminds me that a few years ago, a shoe thief was caught red handed or rather “red legged” at the Masjid Jamik KL when others were performing the Jumaat prayers. What did they do to him? They tied him to the fence of the Masjid Jamek in the hot sun and hang a pair of shoes around his neck. What a pitiful sight! Those who read The Star newspaper may recall this case. The newspaper commented that it was rather cruel and not ‘humane” to treat him in such a way – against the human right. By the way, who gave him the “human right" to do the "wrong act” to steal the shoes while others are praying? Luckily he was not bashed as in the case of some kampung where even though you hit and kill a chicken with your car, they will treat you like a chicken after that. So, it was better for them to hit and drives away ……..

Twin Ringgit

2005-12-27T01:22:00.000-08:00

TokKu- The price of everything at the Twin Tower is of course the twin of the normal price. It is not “buy one get one free” but it is “buy one only but pay for two, definitely”. Reason – you get two towers for the price of one visit. In addition, you’re also offered the twin activities of the toilet i.e., to urinate and defecate at RM 1.00 each. Let’s look at it more positively. Whatever you’re going to deposit either liquid or solid –they have a higher value as compared to the jamban raya (di belakang semok) or jamban curah in the kampong. RM 2.00 is equivalent to the price of mineral water per bottle or per bladder. Or the cost of four lekors of “half -gentel” uncooked kerepok leko. The prices of food and drink in Twin Tower vicinity are no more at the rate of the former “Hilton Underwood”. Unfortunately, both the Hilton, Underwood and some trees are gone since they are not gazetted as heritage site. The food stalls at Hilton Underwood were selling at relatively low price since being under the trees, no overhead costs were incurred.

This area was very popular since the yesteryears. During weekends, there were lots of cars, motor bicycle, people and horses who came here. Most came to see the horse running on the track or hearing the horse running other tracks and hope to make or looses a fortune especially during those Gentingless days. It is interesting to observe their behaviour. They can be happy with the winning ticket or will be furious for losing the bet by a pony’s tail. Now there are lots of buses, cars, motorcycles, foreign workers, LRT (replacing the horse carriages) came here not to spend money. The local tourist and the foreigners, especially, Mat Salleh and Minah Saleha (Oh, Saleha as sung by Mawi), who looked up and take picture of the Twin Tower. Sometimes, being so familiar with KL and Twin Tower, they appeared to be a bit “jakun.” Every time they look up at the Twin Tower, we have the feeling that they look up at us all – the Malaysians. It is not that often that they look up at us – since most of the time we are lumped together with the other underdeveloped countries in Asia, Africa and Pacific Islands.

Instead of “tawaf” the twin tower, it is interesting if one can be “mikraj” on the Twin Towers. Many visitors are lining up to go up and walk on the double decked sky bridge. I had been on that sky bridge and I feel very gayat (serung in Tregganuspeak) and have to hold the railing when walking across it. It will be an experience to have lunch at the Petronas Club. However, don’t stay near the glass curtain. It makes you so “gayat” to the extent of spoiling your appetite – stay away from glass to enjoy your lunch. I don’t know where I get this acrophobia and the aeroacrophobia – that give you the “serung” or “gayat” feeling and make your head dizzy. If you go to the 82 floor, you have to take two lifts - mainly to cushion the effect of fast ascending into high altitude. You ear drum will be blocked and your head will be a bit dizzy and nausea. Of course, the ambiance of having a cup of Columbian coffee there is more exciting than having the coffee at the Dome. You can see the whole of KL but you missed the model girl at the Dome waitress. . And on the wall, there are beautiful paintings of red flowers. I am sure it was not painted by Fernando Botero and doesn’t cost millions. The painting of fat men and women was to symbolize the prosperity of the Columbian. I like Botero’s depiction of fat naked women in his paintings such as in the Bath, La Cama, Bedroom, La Lettre, the Nude, Mona Lisa (her fat version). If he is Malaysian, he is known as “Artis Bulat”. Botero painted the obese people and as such the price of his painting have to be obsessive. From the 82 floor, we cannot help looking at the MAS Tower with a sign “MAS Single Tower For Sale". With the petroleum price at USD 60 per barrel, Petronas is having a good time in earning the foreign exchange. Malaysian are also enjoying the subsidy which had blown up substantially to billions ( like Botero’s paintings) But how long can we stay on that 17 years oil reserve which will depleted after the year 2022. However, let’s hope that the much talked palm biodiesel should help us. We hope Malaysia to be blessed with the renewable green oil when the black oil is depleted. We hope never to ever see the sign from the real estate company which state that “Petronas Twin Tower For Sale “.

Full Moon

2005-12-18T23:54:00.000-08:00

TokKu – You were wondering why they don’t hide other items in their orifice. Well, if Malaysia were to have strict moral laws and banned the vibrators, then many will try smuggling it into the country. However, the banned imported kretek cigarette cannot hide in there since the cloves are as hot as chilies. Remind me of the newspaper report in Malaysia where a wife and friends went to rub the cabai on her husband’s mistress’s cabai!! (spelt differently). Nevertheless, those Indonesian who are familiar with the tongkat keramat or tongkat Madura (a device to constrict the entrance and strengthened the grip of the under world) will be good courier for kretek smuggling. But, the taste of that keretek will be different. Its market niche is for the “keretek wap” substituting the famous “nasi wap”. (special steam rice). So, smokers should be aware of ladies offering the kretek cigarettes. This is a motivation for the man to stop smoking to keep your good health and your independence.

There was once a report in Hong Kong newspaper where the vibrator was substituted with the hand phone. Its vigorous vibrating silent mode has the same functionality. It was place too deep and was lodged inside and cannot be taken out. The woman have to be brought to the hospitals to remove the phone The hand phone that are smuggle from Singapore is known as underwater phone! So, this is the case of “underwear phone” and it can also be called the “wap phone” since it is being embedded in there, thus, a new meaning to the WAP hand phone!! So, be careful, if your girl friend were to give a hand phone as a present – it may be a wap hand phone.

That reminds us of a story of an Indonesia maid who went to back to Indonesia and bring along lots of cash (RM 1,000 wrapped in white cloth) and the safest place was in the natural cavity. When she reached Dumai, she was caught by the Tekong and was raped. It is double unfortunate for the poor girl – her modesty and her savings were all gone. The man gets the double happiness- release of million of his “mani” (spermatozoa) and get millions of Rupiah from the same source. She should have bank in through the Western Union or even used the widely operated hawala system by the money changers instead of hiding it in her sanitary pillow. The Customs do check thoroughly for drugs even doing the endoscopy through your anus. It reminds us reading the Malaysian newspaper papers in the mid 70s where three Malaysian were caught at the Rome airport for trying to smuggle drugs there. Well, three of them – One Malay, One Chinese and One Indian in the spirit of New Economic Policy then.

The Lock up girl was an interesting event. The “squatting” may be a standard procedure to force out anything hidden inside. But the ketuk ketampi reminds us of those days when the teacher punished the student to do it on our desk. The Western schools will put a cap written the word “dunce” on the head and you have to stand in a corner facing the wall. The Communist used this method during the Cultural Revolution. When you are caught naked by surprise, the natural tendency is for the lady to cover her breast and her pubic region. It is not only among the woman but the man too will react the same way the sarong accidentally fell down. The two hands will automatically cover the pubic region and it needs two palms to cover it the two plus one objects down there. It should NOT be done by holding the ear with crossed hands (ketuk ketampi) which have the negative school days nostalgia and derogatory implications. However, you need to place a big canvas down below. You will never know what will fall down as the magician can pull anything out of his hat. Besides the sanitary napkin ( during full moon) , other things like keretek, electric irons, amplifiers or air conditioners, hard boiled eggs, 10 scales fishes and cigarettes may drop down. As for body search for man, the searcher should be certified by the doctor /psychologist not a gay since a man will feel dirty if he were to be groped by a gay searcher.

It was not only the Tiger (Thai Girl?) Show that have that skill. I heard that in the yesteryears Malaysian Rose Chan also had that extraordinary expertise and skill. That’s the most powerful muscle in human being and can change the course of history. During the Second World War, the Japanese had the Sparrow Squad (Spy Girls from where The spice Girls derived their names) of young Japanese girls that were sent to Malaya to work in cabaret and befriend those in the military. What is their surname? – Of course, Miss Itchybawah. In France, Matahari was spying for the Nazi and Allied Forces depending who has the bigger offer for her. Julius Caesar (pronounced as Seized Her) and Mark Anthony fell down to Cleopatra knees. The historian said that if the nose of Cleopatra is a bit crooked, the history of Rome will be different... But Bill Clinton was very hard on where Monica Lewinsky had to kneel to him. As the saying goes, “the hand that shakes the man’s candle, rocks the world. “or something that sounds like that.
The full moon will affect the man in many ways. It is not only the natural full moon that affects the high tide. When the wife is on full moon, the husband will be affected especially when he is full on high tide which prompts him to be of wondering minds. Worse still when the moon eclipsed, and she will in dock and out of service for 40 days, man will go much crazier. Let’s await the next full moon and man will be turned to another Were Blogger – owwwwwuuuuuu…ooowwwuuuuu

Creativity

2005-12-16T01:06:00.000-08:00

TokKu- Creativity? - the thinking process is very lacking nowadays. It is convenient to blame the Education system. It stressed on the “record and retrieval” mental capability which limit the level of cognitive developments. The future generation may find it difficult to upgrade their cognitive ability to the of creativity and problem solving level. Remember those days when we memorize the dates of history and the names of places and people. We were ready to answer any “what “question. It was followed by the objective test - just blackened the box and score straight A’s. It facilitate the correction since it can be computerized. One of the subject taught was “living skill” (kemahiran hidup) which is similar to the vegetable gardening and wood work in the colonial days. It would be better to teach “thinking skill “as a subject as the curriculum seems not to embedded this cognitive skill in the normal subject. Nowadays, they graduated in thousands with 80,000 still unemployed. . During the job interviews, they cannot express well in Malay ( and when answering in English, it makes you wonder which part of Papua New Guinea’s Pidgin English they were talking). If given a real or hypothetical situation and problem, they are not creative enough to solve it . Reason - it was not in the text book and no multiple choice answer for them to tick !! That why there was no substitute for the ayam percik , Tok Ku. If there is an outbreak avian fever, probably the shop has to close down since they cant think of any substitute for chicken. On the other hand, I appreciate those street vendors in Petaling Street ,KL or in Pat Pong Thailand . When you buy a dress /jeans /shoes etc. they sell you the item. . And when you want the brand , they will ask you what brand you want – Levis, Gucci and Guess? They have all and that innovative and creative .
I once went to a restaurant to order my favourite laksa johor. Well, the gravy is there but the spaghetti is finished. If I still want it, I have to wait about one hour to wait for the spaghetti to be boiled. Well, what is spaghetti ? It is the ‘mee tepong” which is made into the long string with its moisture is removed. Then to serve it, you reverse the process by boiling it until it return to its original soft state. Not too long , it will be soft and brittle and not too short , the core ( heart) is not cooked. So what the alternative? The original laksa is laksa beras or laksa tepong( flour) which is done fresh in the kampung kenduri of the yesteryears. There were no dried rice vercimilli or mee kuning then. So, get some fresh mee kuning as substitute or equivalent of spaghetti. However, you have to dip it in hot water to soften it a bit and remove the preservatives. Put it in a bowl, plus all the garnishing and pour over the laksa Johor gravy.- presto , there’s your modified laksa johor. It looks better and taste better than spaghetti laksa Johor.
What happened if you were studying overseas in UK and your pregnant wife ( the cold winter increased the rate nocturnal oscillation activities ) was craving ( mengidam) for “telor penyu.” They don’t sell the telor penyu in Sainsbury or Ardy’s or open market or car boot sales – not as abundant as in Pasar Tanjung or Kedai Payang. Well, go to the oriental shop and buy the salted eggs. Boiled it into half or three quarter boiled egg. There is your modified “turtle eggs’ – jelly like and taste like the Telur Penyu except the yolk is a bit too yellow. Mentioned about jantung pisang, what to do when she crave for that too? Buy the purple or blue cabbage and celur sautee in warm water together with daun pisang to give the flavour and prepare a good sambal belancan and presto there’s your jantung pisang celur for you’re your jantung hati yang sarat mengidam. My son was “Made in England “ but assembled in Malaysia. When we went back to Trengganu and offer him the telur penyu and jantung pisang - Sorry Papa , I prefer egg banjo and coleslaw !! I was wondering why did he create so much trouble craving for that native food during his stay in the womb??
The nasi dagang is popular but many West Coast people don’t like it. Reason – lots of people here don’t take ikan tongkol . Perhaps , the name itself “ikan tongkol” is psychologically repulsive. ( But , they love tuna sandwich and it is the same bloody fish !!) So, the creative solution to the problem is to use ikan tenggiri. Psychologically , nasi dagang will be upgraded from Air Asia common class to at least the Business Class if not the First Class of MAS. The name is better, it looks whiter, taste better and the concept is classier. But don’t over do it by trying to use ikan parang – which has a lot of bones and you have lots of “kerapah “. There are old folks who like the kerapah ( ubuh kerapoh ikang banyok sikit – sedap nok isap ) - it’s free and nice to suck since it is as good as sucking other enjoyable things. The next time Tok Ku go to DELIcious, ask them to have this Nasi Dagang Trengganu Lauk Ikang Tenggiri – and named it Nasi Dagang Deli and patent it . If not the next day every body will have it on their menu with the ikan tengiri. They are not “creative” but on the other hand , they are very “imitative”
The banana leaves ( Daun Pisang) has been replaced by food grade laminated paper or plastic. The banana leave is now used mainly for decorative instead of its functional anymore. If there is no banana leaves, the plate is design like daun pisang with green colour. Perhaps , the role of daun pisang in the rural economy and their contribution to the children’s pocket money may be not known to many younger generation today. Life was hard those days and you have to get some pocket money and work with blood, sweat and tears. To cut the banana frond , you have to use a long pole which is tied with an ordinary knife at an angle. You do this ( kait daun) in the hot sun and very sweaty ( sweat). Careful with the liquid dropping from the fronds and if it goes into your eyes, tears will come out besides being very itchy. ( tears). As you pull down the leaves, it will cut frond and if it is not tied properly , the knife may fall on you (blood). When the leaves are down , you have to detach the leaves by cutting away the frond and then roll into bales. The naked frond can be made into a machine gun. Hold the knife horizontally with the left hand and hit the banana frond onto the sharp knife . It will cut the frond and shoot out as a bullet. The faster you flip and cut them , the more rapid and fast are your bullets. That the fun the boys had with the banana frond – after a hard days work. If the leaves are attacked by ulat bungkus ( larve and pupa), then you have the torn leaves that may be difficult to role and has a lower market value. One big roll ( se pemikul) will earn you 50 sen. That besides looking for empty bottles ( 3 sen) and scrap metal sell it to the peraih botol dan besi buruk . You have to get lots of that at the beginning of the year to pay for seku pan ( school fund) . Or get some pucuk paku or maman to sell at the market. Sometimes, if you are a bit clever, you get 15 Ringgit a month- the Federal Minor Scholarship . IT is a contrast of today - the younger generation can afford to lepak and spend Berpuluh Ringgit at the Starbuck from their parents pocket money .

Undeniably, there are those who are hard working. They go to shopping complex to work as part time sales person during school holiday They learn that it is not that easy to get RM 4.00 for one hour( less tan that after deducting the EPF) where you have to stand the whole day. There are those who work on part time waiter in restaurant. They are not so professional but tolerate them – they are trying to learn . Comment to them nicely – One thing I am very careful is not to be rude or insult the waiter. Or else, you will be eating or drinking their saliva. They are human too and if mistreated can sort to uncivilized. In a wedding reception at a five star hotel , there was a boy who was serving our table but he was rather slow in service. One of our itchified tongue guest commented in English that these waiters did not study hard in school and end as waiter . Then the boy replied with a cynical smile in impeccable Queen’s English ‘Sorry sir. I am doing this as part time just for experience and some pocket money. I am in the year doing mechanical engineering and will be working in my father consultant firm”” There was another incidence . Two or three waiters keep smiling and did not seem to respond to our comments or request . Later we discovered that they are Bangladesh ( not Indian) , Myanmar (not Malay ) or Mainland Chinese( not Malaysian Chinese)

Law

2005-12-14T23:55:00.000-08:00

Tok Ku- The jamming of the road is a common phenomenon. If there is pasar malam, kenduri or hari raya open house or even Friday prayers – the cars seems to be immune to any traffic regulations. As for civic consciousness, Malaysia still competes hard with the other underdeveloped countries in Africa or Vanuatu. The European took more than 700 years to be civilized and Malaysian history is only half of that - so we have got a long way to go and we have to follow that evolution. As to God fearing, people nowadays , irrespective of what religion, are less God fearing and are violating the religious law laws left and right in the name of freedom and liberalism. They are more Gout fearing especially those who have extra euric acid in the joints which crystallize to poke onto their nerves painfully.
The Gambut or peat soil is two types – the shallow and deep peat. If you are trapped in the deep peat, you‘re in fact in a deep shit. It is like the quick sand which swallows the people into it. Sometimes, those who parked wrongly will meet their match – the equally uncivilized people (bertemu buku dangan ruas). They reacted by spraying the black paint on the mirror / boot / hood of the shining car with the word” DON’T PARK HERE!!!” And you have to spend hundred of Ringgit to remove those paints. There are cases of the tires being punctured. I am not suggesting you do that. Perhaps if you ask Lucia, she may put a more polite Christian note on the wiper to those who parked their car in front of her house” thou shall not covet thou neighbours farking space!!”
The street hawker may not think that they are “hawk” but just peaceful dove or pigeon like peace loving peddlers simply plying their trade to make an honest living. In some wet market, you can see the illegal sellers throwing down the fruits when the municipal enforcement officers come for surprise check . Unfortunately, there no market Tonto to pre warn them. They are just doing their job enforcing the law. But such scene may be against the enforcement officer – they look so cruel and inhumane. But the law is there – and flouting the law has to be punished. If they don’t enforce the law, there are other allegations made on them – right or wrong!! The illegal hawkers will argue with the enforcement officers in a much more eloquent manner than the lawyer since they what the Malays called the “rotten lawyer” (the loyar buruk who were called to the sand bar in the Park Inn at Batu Buruk beach as opposed to the loyar betul who was called to the bar in Lincoln Inn in London. )
It does not only occur to the illegal hawkers in the pasar. But you can see the other civilized countries adopting such an approach – appealing to free the drug pushers on humanitarian ground. And for not complying with the Appeal and enforcing the laws, the act of mandatory death sentence by hanging is considered by them as “barbaric”. This is a rather strange especially when you are following and enforcing the law of the land.. I remember the Australian public was hawking with their Prime Minister Bob Hawke on the execution of Collins in Malaysia. Malaysia was kiasu to Singapore since we were called first to be termed as “barbaric” before Singapore. So we cannot blame our hawkers for acting such a way. The Australian “Hawke” is of no difference.
It reminds me of the popular mamak night stall. It doesn’t not only put the table and chairs on the road but opened for 24 hours - thus attracting the younger generation to lepak there. Once upon a time, one car decided to jump the drain in Section 14, in Petaling Jaya and killed the innocent night eater. The “on the road” mamak service was off for a while but after sometimes, the chairs and tables keep coming back but this time well equipped with the misty blower. So, the attraction of the tarik, roti canai and the cool misty blower in the mid night mamak stall on the road is more appealing than the danger of another car jumping on to your table to share the roti canai and the tarik with you in your grave. !!

Haircut

2005-12-05T00:00:00.000-08:00

Tok Ku- The evolution of the male hair styles had been interesting. From your picture, it seems your hair style remained intact since your younger days – straight back comb with a remos. Your hair is not so curly and cannot be converted to P Ramlee however much Yardley is used. Your side burn was not too long and cannot be converted to Tom Jones. Remember the days of the Beatles. That’s the time when the boys let their hair down and loose. On the other hand, the Malaysian Barber Association (MBA) had to conduct several meetings since it was not one of the model haircuts shown on the wall. It was a period of depression for the Indian Barber Association of Malaysia (IBAM) and it was as bad as when Bukit Ibam mine was closed. To maintain their skill, the barbers used to cut each other’s hair.

The Unisex Hair Saloon had become popular since the technique of grooming the Beatles hair style was similar to the grooming of woman hair. Little snippet here and there and you have to pay RM 15 as compared to only RM 5 in the normal Indian barber shop. However, the some unisex barbershop translated their services literally -unisex (pronounced as You Need Sex). In Taiwan, the barbershop offered additional sleazy. It offer lady barberess (some times one may mispronounced it as bare breast) to cut, shave and shampoo your hair. But some offer additional service and even “full complete services”. Some unisex barbershop tried to imitate that of Taiwan’s. It was very competitive and you can relax and smell the nice perfume of the barberess with the bulging bosoms in front of your nose! It was very profitable ventures since they need only some shampoo, soaps and tissue paper.

Even though you have a long hair and really need a haircut in Taiwan, hold it on until you come back to Malaysia and stop at Indian barber shop in KL. In fact, KLIA provide some barbershop at the terminal where one can have a nice shave or haircut while waiting for the delayed “Where Got System” flight? It can be called them “Golden Barber” or “Barber Asia”. I am sure this venture won’t suffer millions of Ringgit quarterly losses and you don’t need to appoint a consultant from Heathrow airport.

The memory of the Indian barber shop in your little town. (However, there are no Indian barbers in Sabah but they are mainly Chinese barbers – which also offer the ear digging service. Usually, you opted not to use that service not knowing whose ears were dug before yours.) The younger boys remembered that they have to sit on a plank placed on the hand rest of the barber chair. Then, the fluffing of white powder all over your hair followed by snip snip and you’re semi bald. We tend to recall the smell of the Indian barber cologne and the continuous conversations among the barbers in thick Tamil. What you are always waiting for is the back and neck massage after the haircut. They massage the neck, the back and as the grand finale - the ritual neck cracking. Slowly, they bend your neck to one side and without you knowing or anticipating it, craaccckkk it to the left and to the right. You feel the relieved of all the tiredness after that. If you had done a good work and your boss did not pat your back – go to the Indian barber and they will pat your back -you‘ll feel happy about it.

There are many styles of haircut – it is all shown pictorially next to the mirror in the barber shop. The short hair cut known as crew cut is associated with the soldiers or police recruit. I suppose the invention of the electric haircutting machine makes the crew cut more efficient. It takes only five minutes and what you had grown for the last six months are all gone. The “apek cut” or “Temenggong Jugah “ was once the standard fashion among the younger boys since their father always decided what hair style should they get. The barber put the coconut shell on the head and shaved all that is revealed. This fashion makes a come back lately when the hair is left a mop on the head – shaving all others. It is very easy for the barber who charged the same price for the simple cut. There was once the era of side burns –as popularized by Tom Jones (cousin of Tom Yam) and Engelbett Humpedink (Hang Jebat bin Hang Peding). The side burn goes down to the chin and even the former PM once sported this fashion coupled with bell bottom slacks and bush jacket – really look very macho then in the sixties. Those who are not so hairy will pull a thick strand of hair across the cheek to look like side burn. Then there is the Afro look hairstyle. It looks like the wasp nest (saran tebuan). The person who still maintains this hair style is the singer Arumugam of the Alleycats. They have to go to the hair saloons often and the comb has a very special long teeth.

The preoccupation with the hair style is when you reach Standard Six or Form One. Usually, it goes with a comb at your back pocket and at any given moment, you will pull out the comb and repair your hair which has just been slightly blown off by the wind. On the side pocket, there is the handkerchief with the tails end jagging out as a decoration. When a boy has this sign, it shows their adolescence stage to feel handsome especially in front of the girl’s classmates. . With the advent of the crew cuts and the tissue paper, the comb and the hanky are absolute. However, that generation of hair style lovers may now have no more hair to shape and to appreciate. What ever hair is left is silvery or whitened. Other is left with nothing and their concern is to make it smooth and reflective so that it will shine and blind your eyes.

Obat Kuat

2005-11-24T19:54:00.000-08:00

Tok Ku – You have another item in the Monsoon Menu – “Boiled Uby Cayoo Dipped in Anchovy Sauce” (Ubi Kayu Rebuh Cicoh Budu). It had always being in the Menu Museng Boh - besides Rebuh Ubi Stella. The rainy cold weather makes you very hungry and the boiled tapioca always taste wonderful. The best food have two main criteria - it is free and you’re very hungry. The dishes served at the kenduri doa selamat is always very delicious. Why? You have to pray the Maghrib and then read Yasin and Tahlil followed by a marathon doa. Then , it is solat isya and only by 9.30; or if the Tok Imam read another long marathon doa, you will get your dinner at 10.00 pm. Anything and everything will taste heavenly then - you’re very hungry and nasi minyak is free. Anyway, if ubi kayu rebus is RM 7.50 per tongkol , I am sure it won’t taste that nice and I will not try it even it is listed in the Monsoon Menu. It’s no more UBI KAYU, the food of the rakyat –but it is UBI KAYA - the food of the rich !!
I was given the assignment not on the “ubi kayu rebus” – but on the “ ubat kayu rebus” untuk memperkasa kekuatan lelaki! Of course, the first thing that comes to mind is the Tongkat Ali . It is a bit bitter but the result is a good performance and it is not so obviously embedded in your tarik or kopi susu. But it can be very addictive “ Tanpa Tongkat Ali, Tiada Ereksi ! “ – the new disease the TAEDS - Tongkat Ali Erection Deficiency Syndrome. May be it is just psychological. There is the minyak dhab ( the halaal desert lizard) form the Arab countries. That creature is very tough and long lasting. You can sembelih it and put it under the basin in the morning. By the late evening, it will still be alive and you have to cook the next day . You cannot just chopped it off- since you have to sembelih properly by cutting the urat mereh. There is also the Gambir Sarawak which should be renamed as Gambir Gembira ( the Happy Gambier). It has to be pre applied and you must know the exact dose. If it is over dose, it will be hot on yours and in your partner. Both have to stay in bath tub the rest of the night listening to the Beatles’ famous song “It is a hard day’s night, down there it’s very hot!!”. Can you imagine putting the plant acid ( getah pokok) on your normal skin – what more on the very sensitive semi exposed skin . Well, I once got this brilliant idea of producing a spray that form a thin film which is better than the present 0.001 mm. one finger rubber glove. However, it may be left inside on withdrawal . It will be a hard time retrieving it out as many skilled surgeons even leave the operations instrument after performing a Caesarian .
There are the famous jamu and maajun of Indonesia. ( But , don’t ask for ma’jun in Arab countries , they will give you the toothpaste and of course, you can brush your teeth but not for strengthening) . The well known one is Jamu Air Mancur and Jamu Pasak Bumi . The names are self explanatory “the sprouting water” and the “axis of the earth”. Jamu Jaguh Ayam Jantan (Champion Cock Brand) is very explicitly explained. and the content label showed the presence of Eurycomae Longifoliae and Zingeberis Rhizoma. It is called under the terminology of sexuality care as in skin care , eye care etc. . The method of Jamu treatment is very different from the conventional western approach. The jamu encourages the body to produce its own antibodies and acts as a catalyst and does not replace the body’s function. The strength comes from within. There’s Jamu Benkwat, Jamu Nyonya Meneer, Jamu Pria Perkasa. With the increase on the emigrant workers – the jamu sellers are a common sight in pasar malam in Malaysia like Tanah Abang , Jalan Gelora or Ancur in Jakarta. !!
There are those who use the jampi and mantras which began with “Gagah Ali , Gagah Musa ..Gagahkan hok aku……..”, There are those who do the exercise – the senaman harimau which put extra tiger in your pant. . Then, there is the muscle building and weight lifting exercise. You start with light shoes - tie the shoe lace on to it and try to lift it first with one shoe and then with two shoes. When you have built up the muscles, you tie a dumb bell and lift it like a weight lifter or body builder.. That exercise will have the combined effect of building the muscle (like the body builders) and strength ( like the weight lifter) as well as the stamina ( like the marathon runner). But please exercise with care- if you over exercise , it will not wake up at all and stays down with the other two dumb bells !!

Art

2005-11-24T19:53:00.000-08:00

TokKu- Man is created as the best being in the worlds. The picture of the man by Da Vincci was in perfect balance. That’s how an Italian artist sees a man. On the other hand, the Spanish artist may not see man as that balance. Man can have the ears under the armpit; the eyes in between the legs and the genitals on the foreheads. Have seen the drawing by Pablo Picasso? They were all so distorted and have those distorted characteristics of man /woman. It was a confused art but they called it modern art and sell the masterpieces for millions. I say this at the risk of being heavily condemned by the modern artist. I suppose those who can see those picture in its proper form is one who suffer from dyslexia. So from a distorted picture of his art, the image in their mind is perfect and proper . See his paintings such as Girl before the Mirror (which showed reflections of distortion ), Tete D'une Femme Lisant – like a woman with splitting headache, Musketeers and Cupid (really distorted) Le Sculpteur ( seriously distorted)to name a few. Genital on the fore head. They used to tell those stories of those who were very friendly with the local girls in Sarawak. With the black magic , one will wake up in the morning and found that the genitals on your foreheads. As you were worried about the mis circumcision but I am worried what happened to the nose and the mouth on the entry..On the other hand, they are in contrast with da Vinci’s portraits of Minah binti Lesut ( @ Monalisa), Jarah binti Mat Kecik (Ginevra De' Venci ) Selasiah binti Ghani (Cecilia Gallerani) who were non distorted ladies with perfect smiles. If Picasso were to illustrate the Kamasutra , it will be rather difficult to see the positions , and impossible to perform it . However, the modern artist and cubist defended him as the one who was not satisfied with the limited possibilities of traditional mode of representation. He was constantly , incessantly striving for new means of expression !!Such distorted unbalanced creatures can be seen in Star Wars or the Starship Enterprise. Such as Jabbar the Hut, Yodi etc. Is it a fraction of the imagination – no , it may be pictured in the Dante’s Divine Comedy or in the ceramah on the Prophet Journey of Night of Israk Mikraj. Man is created as the best being in the worlds. “ We have indeed created man in the best of moulds, Then do We abase him (to be) the lowest of the low,( Surah 95- The Fig ; Verse 4,5). On the other hand, Lucia may bring her quotation “ So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them (Genesis 1:27).

Monsoon Cake

2005-11-21T17:24:00.000-08:00

Tok Ku- Your suggestion to popularize the Trengganu Monsoon Cakes (as a spinoff of the Monsoon Cup) was brilliant. However, the names of the various Trengganu cakes (and other dishes) have to be globalized. First, we need the appropriate name for “Kepok Leko”. I suppose the name refers to the position it assumes when it is taken out of the hot steaming wok and not when it is put into it. Perhaps, it should be written as “Twirling Fish Sausage” in the menu. Other options are coiling, looping, curling, spiraling, twisting, etc sausage but twirling seems to be a better - not to confuse with the Fish Brand Mosquito Coil.
It has also been more exotically called “Kepok Gonde” (possibly referring to the position and shape when it is held up at one end). Any suggestion for its English equivalent - The Dangling Fish Sausage? It is even called as “Kepok Gete” (gentel) referring to the process of making it which can be translated into the “Fondled Fish Sausage”. Perhaps, the smaller, short and stubby keropok from Losong should be called “Kepok Gete” as it require lots of gentle “genteling” by the ladies’ fingers ( with the help of the flour powder) to make it hard and firm. The long ones with medium circumference should be called “kepok leko” as it twirls around due to its length. The big size kepok which stood danglingly erected when hold in the hand should be called kepok gonde –it used lots of tapioca instead of the real sago that feels really starchy when you hold them in your hands. Unless there are other better and acceptable suggestions, the various versions of Fish Sausages should appear as such in the Trengganu Monsoon Menu.
How about other Trengganu cakes or dishes? “Otok Otok” can be transliterated as “Brain Square”. It should never be called “Trengganu’s Brain” – not to be misconstrued that the brains of Trengganu are being sold at a cheap price as it is seldom being used ! On the other hand, remember that we are very advance in high technology where even the heavy stone can be made to float as a raft in the South China Sea (Batu Rakit). “Sata” may be called the Baked Cone Fish Cake or more technologically advanced as Baked Apollo Fish Cake. Trengganu has its own version of the ikan and ayam percik - known locally as the ikang or ayang golek. So, it should be differentiated from the Kelantan’s percik dish. The English version should be Barbecued Fish / Chicken Chillied Coconut Milk. What about the famous Trengganu Nasi Dagang which is white in colour as compared to the reddish kelantan nasi dagang ? The Commercial / Trader/ Merchant Rice? But dagang in Trengganuspeak means alien or foreign, thus, it may be translated as the Foreign or Immigrant Rice with the Tuna Goulash – it will be popular with the Indons & Banglas. The Trengganu noodles are definitely different from Johor noodles. It should be called the Spaghetti of Trengganu – sphaghennu and also the laksam or lasagna of Trengganu or laksaganu? Rojak Keling (pasembo) as Curling Roger’s Mixed Salad to avoid any objection by certain affected party.
How about the various Tepungs of Trengganu? – the Oil Lamp Cake (tepung pelita)? the Sweet Hardcock Pudding (akok)? The Hard Doughnut (kuih badak)? the Rightist Cake ( kuih penganan)? Coconut Pancake (lepeng nyor)? There’s the Crumpled Sago cake or Mr. Gopal from Assam (asam gumpal)? the Bathing Princess (puteri mandi)? Mr. Abbas Saturday Night Fever ( Encik Abbas Demam) ? The Sweet Scrambled Duck Egg instead of Duck Shit (tahi itek) ? And of course, the Squeezed Sticky Rice Squid (ketupat sotong)?. To jump start your dessert , we can have the Jump and Stab Cake (kuih lompat tikam). Finally, the original boiled and fried specialties of Trengganu, namely, the Boiled Turtle Egg (telo piung rebuh) and Fried Ice Cream ( (air sekering goreng) should not be left out of the Monsoon Menu. To make it more sophisticated, the names of these cakes and dishes should be translated into French or Italian.
These Trengganu specialties should be sold in the Seasonal Pasar Tengkujuh ( like the Seasonal Pasar Ramadan) which can be held together with the Piala Tengkujuh . The champion yatch of the Monsoon Cup Sailing should not be christened with a bottle of champagne so as not to pollute the image of Trengganu Darul Iman . Perhaps, the champion yatch will be christened with a big bottle of highly fermented anchovy sauce (budu) which may give the same celeberative effects with a difference - grayish bubbles and fermented fish smell.

Raya 6

2005-11-15T01:08:00.000-08:00

Tok Ku - The open house is a modern urban phenomenon. In the kampung, the house is always opened during hari raya. No need for invitation – just walks in, Salam the host wish selamat hari raya, eat the kuih raya and say good bye. . You can see groups of children visiting from house to house. You have to ask them frankly “nak makan kuih atau nak duit?” Of course, they wanted duit raya and that will save you the trouble of preparing the food for them and ended with the ketupat gravy or syrup water spilling on your carpet. If the kampung is located next to a housing estate, they will do the round in the well to do housing estates. When you tell them you don’t have small change, they will ask how much you need and in what denominations? They can change it for you with the amount they have gathered. !!
Raya at the kampung is more interesting. They go to the relatives’ and friends’ houses in two or three cars. They met their second or third cousins whom they have not met since the last one or two years and discovered that the female ones are getting more beautiful and sexy now. The children will collect the duit raya and nieces and nephews will also give duit raya to old and needy Aunties and Uncles. Visiting relatives and friends should be maintained as the raya tradition. But the special raya programmes kept them glued to the TV all day and long- which should not be so. Some friends have the open house on the first raya day – knowing very well that everybody is back to kampung! After all, the raya is for the whole month of syawal. Those having open house on the first raya are actually not giving chance to others to come to their house. It is not surprising that the open house sometimes even spilled over to the next month of Zulkaedah since there is no opportunity to organize the open house on the weekends
The food for the first raya was mainly kuih basah (wet cakes) - ketupat, rending, lemang, lontong etc. and jars of kuih kering (dried modern and traditional cakes). They used to make it themselves but nowadays the “kuih tunjuk”is more popular. (i.e. go to the shopping complex and point out (tunjuk) which ones you want to buy). The kuih kering is sometimes not that popular with adults and lots of leftovers can be carried forward to the raya haji. But don’t leave the bottles/ jars etc. unattended to the children and it will just disappear in no time. If you are lucky, when you make the raya visit on the third day, the host may invite you for lunch – goring ikan kering, lemak cili api and sambal belacan. It is so nice since you did not have your lunch for one month!! It’s funny that by lunch time, you become hungry even though you can skip lunch for the last one month.
There is the sunat puasa enam. (The optional 6 days post raya fasting). You usually want to complete your puasa enam as soon as possible – as an additional sunat puasa or as a replacement puasa for the women. But you have to visit your relatives on those days and they offered you drinks or food. They said that those started the puasa enam in earnest and break the fast to honour the host will get two rewards (pahala) – one for sincerely attempting to puasa and an additional reward for sincerely respecting your host. The key word is sincerity. The Puasa Enam followed Raya Enam is very popular event in Batu Enam in Kuala Trengganu or for that matter in the East Coast. The puasa enam has a very high bonus and rate of return ( more than the ASB dividend). You six days optional fasting is equivalent to one month - fast one day get 5 days reward. It can be more trying since others may be eating all around you. By the way , I have not started my puasa enam yet and God willing, I am planning to do it the last week of Syawal.

same difference

2005-11-15T01:07:00.000-08:00

Tok Ku- Remember the story of a boy at the zoo who taunted the monkey. Whatever movements and gestures he made, the monkey followed. Finally, the boy gave to the monkey a sharp knife and then pretended to cut his throat with the blunt side of the knife. The monkey smiled bluntly and showed a very vulgar sign with its hands. Then, the monkey sang Zainal Abidin’s song “kita serupa...kita serupa…” (We are all the same but it is the other whom we always blame)
This imitative monkeying seems to have its parallel in the Freedemocracist (freedom & democracy promoter) and the Terrorist (promoter of terrorism). There is Afghanistan – thousands of mujahiddin and innocent civilians were bombed first by the Russian. Then, the American imitated it by blasting the mountains for the taliban. Besides the convenient label of mujahidin or taliban, there were thousands of innocent Afghans. The Afghans were blasted by American smart bomb when they were on the way and celebrating the village wedding which turned to a village funeral. So, the suicide bombers in Amman also imitated what the F16 fighter pilots did. The bomb was smart but the F16 fighter pilot was much smarter not return to base empty handed but with mission accomplished so; the Afghans contribute to the statistics. The suicide bombers also copied this approach at the wedding to get good statistics of dead and injured. It is the same difference.

Bush declared and attacked the countries that harboured terrorist. So the terrorist followed suit, they also attacked those countries which harbour western “tourists.” Those who suppose to have or attempted to set up the WMD were attacked as a preemptive strike strategy. The terminology is interesting – the US soldiers are not foreign fighter since Iraq is now the recently acquired American colony. However, the locals are the terrorist and other Arabs are foreign fighters. The visit by the US President George to Iraq imitated the visit by the King George to British India. The recent visit by Secretary CondoLISA to Iraq imitated the visit by Queen Elisabeth to British India.
In the history of mankind, no country in this world had ever used the Weapon of Mass Destruction (WMD) to another human being except America. America. America sent The Fat Man and The Little Boy to Japan which blew off Hiroshima and Nagasaki and killed thousands of innocence lives as collateral damage No country had ever used the chemical weapons on mass scale (napalm and yellow agent) except America. However, there are many who wanted to imitate this and start monkeying around with WMD such as India, Pakistan, Iran, Iraq, and North Korea etc. America along with other countries such as France, Israel is keeping the WMD with no questions asked. Why are they still keeping it - just as souvenir of destruction? Or for defensive purpose if the alien from another planet were to attack this world. ? May be they want to prove the “Big Bang Theory” which they believed how this world began and can be ended by another “Big Bang”
Remember Palestine? Ben Gurion and Rabin were the guerrilla leaders who bombed the hotel and blast the Arab settlements. .They was not called the terrorist then since they were being brutally terrorized by Europe during the Second World War... (The Serbs copied the ethnic cleansing approach by Germany) .Now, the Palestinians who wanted to get back to their land are imitating the same action and they are known as terrorist. The case of massacre of Sabra and Shatila by the Phalanges /Ariel Sharon. The American approved Saddam Hussein to copy this approach against the Kurds in Faluja. But later it was condemned
The American “rounded up” the Afghans and others suspected taliban fighters and kept them in Guatanomo Bay. The US government seems did not supply enough toilet paper to their own soldiers. There are cases where the US had subcontracted and outsourcing the torture to many centers throughout the world... The terrorist learned and copied this by capturing innocent reporters, embassy officials and volunteer workers and kept them in custody in small rooms. However, the terrorist did not contract out the torture to other and prefer to DIY. Abu Gahraib prison was very famous for torture and perhaps, the American contractors wanted to maintain the traditions with visual historical records.

Is it copycat, the pot called the kettle black, the pork called the cattle black; we learn from history and repeat history as present current geopolitical actions? When a Malaysian from a third world pointed this out in the Human Rights seminar, the representatives of those countries walked out, thus denying that such parallel never exit... What they did is for the noble cause and what similar thing you do is for the evil cause! It is the pork calling the cattle black. And it is the third world is always the black sheep. Whatever it is immaterial of their motive etc. the bombing and killing of the innocence is wrong – immaterial who ever did it for what reason other than for self defense and defensive pre emptive attack.

Mahzab

2005-11-10T23:11:00.000-08:00

Tok Ku- Back to Schools with Alif Bata ? No, this is not the brand of shoes advertised for school children. It is a serious study of Usul Fiqh which is rather complex by itself. Whether touching one’s wife (or non muhrim) will nullify the ablution (batal wuduk); depends on the interpretation of the phrase “LAMASTU NISSA” (touch a woman / menyentuh wanita) . Different schools of thoughts (mahzabs) will have different versions of their interpretations. This is the case of khilaf ulamak - acceptable differing views of the ulamas which are entirely different from the questionable views of ulamak khilaf. Most Malaysian most are following the schools of Imam Muhammad bin Idris El Shafei except those who practice the Mutaah marriage.
“To touch a woman” can be interpreted in its literal ( harfiah) and metaphorical ( qias) sense. The literal meaning will in turn depend on the emotive aspect of the touch - innocent touch or arousal touch. The literal touch of your wife with your hand is the actual physical touch – just innocent skin to skin contact. This is stated in Surah An Nisa 43 ( The Women) that after coming back from toilet and after touching the woman, you have to wuduk by tayamum ( dry cleaning style)
The metaphorical meaning of “touch” is similar to the game of rugby where you get into a scrum( it is better if you play the hooker position ) , tackle down your opponent, and dive to “touch down” by making sure the ball is on the ground.. That’s rugby played by the British Commonwealth countries. There is the “touch” football played by the US and American’s former and present colonies. Since it is a rough game, they wear special caps to cover their head fearing that they may vomit out during the game. This metaphorical word “touch” is used in Surah Mariam : 20 (Mary) when the Gabriel told her that she will give birth to a boy she was surprised as she was not “touched’ by any man.
The third interpretation is between the physical touch and the metaphorical touch i.e. with the sexually aroused feeling. It is not only touching of the opposite sex but the touching of oneself will nullify the wuduk depending where it is. The “touch up” will maintain the wudu’ or the “ touch down” intentionally or unintentionally at the strategic locations will nullify the wuduk.
So, it depends on the syntax of the sentence and the context of the situation. There are so many combinations and permutations which lead to much confusion and lack of comprehension . It is so complex and my walled told me “tak wajib usul” ( avoid going the origin of the species not to end up like the Charles Darwin climbing the trees. ) To some extent, one has to follow with open eyes ( taqlid) based on the adequate information. So, I am in favour of the opinion of El Shafei who takes the straight interpretation of physical touch as elaborated in the El Umm ( Vol. 1) which nullify the wuduk.
Do you not think? Well, you have to think with knowledge and wisdom. If not, it will become a mental gymnastics – and you may end up with sprained brain and worse still a sprained aqidah. Surely, one has to taqlid on certain issues. Once I wanted to become an ustaz but I never get started still remains as an intention – thus still remain as an upstart unstart ustaz.

Datuk

2005-11-10T23:10:00.000-08:00

Pok Ku- Even though the “kain samping” fell down, the datukship remained intact but which datuk are you referring to - Datuk, Dato’, Datu, datuk or Tok? It is rather confusing since there are many types of datuks being conferred and to receive it, your sampings should remain intact on your waist with the use of the “bengkung.”( wide belt) In some States, the “bengkung” is worn outside the samping to hold it to the waist ; while in other states, it is worn inside the samping to hold the keris and the “simpul samping” ( knot) is tied to the Keris? Pok Ku should know this protocol since you’re from the blue blood lineage. Perhaps, one day you should blog on the silk, songket, setangan, sampings, sembah and setana protocol. And of course , in the blogging world of the Malaysia website, you’re affectionately called as Pok Ku . The pangkat Pak or Pok is reserved for those below 50s and those who are above 60s should be addressed appropriately . I propose to address you as Tok Ku ( Datuk Tengku) which is equivalent to the famous Tok Ku of Kuala Trengganu
The generic term “datuk” refers to all types of datuks available in Malaysia and also in the Philippines. However, the Datuk (spelt with a “k”) is the honorary Federal title given by the Agong to those (civil service, private sector, NGOs ) who had somewhat made some contributions to the country. This title is also used by those States without the traditional rulers (Straits Settlements, Sabah and Sarawak). The higher classes of the Federal title are Datuk Sri, Tan Sri and Tun. Their wife will get their corresponding titles such as, Datin, Datin Sri, Puan Sri and Toh Puan respectively. Datuk used to be a masculine gender and given only to man while the ladies were given the feminine gender Datin Paduka. . But later even the woman are given the datukship – thus, it has become a neutral gender title. Unfortunately, if the wife gets her datukship, the husband doesn’t get to be called Datin. How about those who have more than one wife? It is reserved for the first wife only.
Toh Puan should not be confused with the wife of a Dato’ from Trengganu ,i.e., Tok Puan (abrreviated from Datuk Perempuan or in Trengganuspeak pronounced as Tok Puang). It should not be confused with the common Trengganuspeak of “Tok Ppuang” which means “wife”. Some modern grandmas don’t like to be called Nenek or Tok Wan as it sound too old (as opposed to Tok Ki = datuk lelaki), they asked their grandchildren to call them Tuk Puan (Atuk Perempuan). Nevertheless, among the other Datins, the Tok Puan may like to be mispronounced as Toh Puan meaning Tun’s wife. The wife of Tan Sri is Puan Sri. There are some Malay young ladies whose name begins with Seri such as Seri Dewi , Seri Ayu who are normally addressed as Cik Sri Dewi . When she is married, she become a “puan” and addressed as Puan Sri Banun. If she happened to be married to a Tan Sri it will be Puan Sri Seri Dewi.
The Dato’ spelt with an apostrophe is given by the States’ Traditional Rulers. The higher class Dato Seri will be spelt differently to differentiate from the Federal titles. However, the States will add additional title to their Dato’ such as Dato’ Paduka, Datu Patinggi, Dato’ Wira, Dato Pahlawan. However, they are normally address as Dato’/Datuk only.. However, in Sabah, Sarawak and even Philippines, they pronounced datuk without the K or O’ – Datu as in Lahad Datu. ( Lahad = tanah , Datu = datuk). The title is given as Datu in Sarawak and the Southern Philippines also used this “datu”. When it comes to Peninsular Malaysia , it is semenanjunised as “datuk.” Some States had form the State Dato’’s Association – not to be confused with the Philippines Datu.
Some States also gave the traditional hereditary Dato’, i.e., for the Dato Empat and Dato Lapan. The DPM gets his traditional hereditary Dato at the early age before being awarded other titles There is also the hereditary Tun and many of them in Trengganu were my friends such as Tun Muhammad, Tun Suri, and Tun Fatima. There were famous Malay characters in the Malacca history like Tun Sri Lanang (writer), Tun Mutahir (Bendahara), Tun Mamat (Gunung Ledang Climber) and Lady Tuns such as Tun Fatimah, Tun Teja and Tun Kudu. I don’t know whether such traditional hereditary titles can be carried on by the descendants any more as the registration have certain regulations on this matter.
It is long enough to have a title in front of the name but to proceed with another set of addressing protocol is rather complicated to those uninitatited. The datuk will be preceded by the Yang Berbahagia (Y. Bhg) . For the Member of Parliament or State Assembly, their names will be preceded by Yang Berhormat (Y.B).There is a lot of confusion in addressing them. I suppose this way of respectfully addressing others follows the Arabic way. The Arab called their friend as friend ( sahibul) and not by the real name which is considered as rude. For example, Sahibul Saadah – my happy friend ( Sahabat Yang Berbahagia) So, delete the “sahabat”; and Malaysian are left with Yang Berbahagia only. As to the successful politician, it is Sahibul Muktaram –Yang Berhormat ( Or is it from the Westminster “The Right Honourable M.P”?) For the judges , Yang Arif ( the Learned Friend). For the Mufti and Qadi , Sahibul Fadilah ( yang Utama) . Those with the higher posts, will be addressed with an additional “ Amat “ ( Most) e.g. Yang Amat Berbahagia ( YAB P.M., YAB M.B) .
There is the original common use of datuk . The natural datuk is one get when a man gets grandchildren and becomes a grandfather. It is natural and cannot be withdrawn life time. But the ladies will get the not so nice title of nenek or tok wan. The conferred datuk will sleep with a Datin but a natural datuk will have to sleep with a grandmother.
In those days , when you are caught by the policeman , you will put a “muka kesian” and appeal to him “Tolong lah datuk jangan saman saya”. That’s the datuk sergeant ( Tok Jan) of the Police Force and I don’t know how they acquire that title – perhaps it reflects some one with authority . In the modern days , those with authority are called Boss ( after the Bruce Lee’s film Big Boss).When you parked wrongly and the security guards wanted to clamp your car, you appeal to him “Sorry lah Boss, Please don’t clamp my car since I was in the emergency situation to run to the toilet.” By recognizing his authority and appealing to his ego , you may save RM 100 to remove the clamp.
There is the spiritual datuk which is of animistic origin. When you go into the jungle, you have to salute them and ask for the permission to enter his jungle. “Tabik datuk anak cucu tumpang lalu / Tabik datuk anak cucu tumpang kencing” . ( I salute you datuk , your grandchildren want to pass through/ I salute datuk , please grant the permission to piss). If not, it is believed ( animistically) that you will be punished ( kena tegur) with high fever or worse still that specific organ of yours will be swollen ( Some may want that, since there is no need to go for the enlarger as often advertised in the internet’s junk mail). Some will be more adventurous and take the opportunity to ask the datuk who guarded the big trees or graveyards to request for the forecast four digit numbers ( BIG and SMALL) for next week .
The feared animal in the jungle are also given the due respect by not calling their actual names. When one suspect there is a tiger in the vicinity – one always refer to it as datuk - never mentioned the word rimau /harimau/ tiger out of respect and to protect one self from being attacked or eaten . It has been developed into a children game or play . The datuk harimau game. You ask what time is datuk rimau . He will tell the time and finally he will say that it is his meal time and will true to catch the children who will run screaming . It is fun when you are small – either you don’t want to be caught and if it is your favorite uncle or grandpa ( datuk) you wan to be caught hand hug by him.
There is many other common use of datuk which is shortened as Tok only. There is the Tok Guru who earns the title of grand teacher / grand master. It can be Tok Guru Silat –martial arts or Tok Guru Ugama - the religious teacher . There is the Tok Jora ( juara) of the dikir barat and he is the lead singer and therefore, the leader of a Rap Group should be called Tok Rapper . There is the Tok Dalang and he is the real Master of the Performing Arts- director/producer/actors/actress/singer etc. of the wayang Kulit. . Perhaps the conductor of the orchestra performing at the Petronas Philomenic Theater should be appropriately called Tok Dalang Musik . Tok Dalang is also used in the negative sense, i.e. the master mind or the King maker. There is the Tok Qadi – he is the one you look for when your daughter is getting married or when you ‘re getting married to a second or fourth wife either in Malaysia or across the border. There is the Tok Nujum - the royal astrologer as in Nujum Pak Belalang. There is the Trengganuspeak “Tok Ttua” who is the parent in law ( mertua ).

Shell& snails

2005-10-26T23:38:00.000-07:00

PokKu- Remis picking by the seaside is like strawberry picking by the farm side in the early summer. You eat as much as you can; and what you can’t you weight and pay. In the case of remis, you can only eat what you pick and there are not much remis nowadays except for the empty shells lying on the beach. However, there are many cousin and second cousin of the remis which may a different name or look but taste as nice. The smaller version is known as etok. Eating it very tedious job like eating kuaci since not much meat in the shell. The bigger version is the kepah (kepoh) whose shell is thicker and white/ brown in colour. When cooked, it can be a kuali full but the meat is only a handful. Those are the flat shaped mollusk. The white siput look like the thumb and you boil it and use a tooth pick to pick it and dip it in the kerepok lekor sauce. The white shell is beautiful which is used for playing “batu selambut “or “batu seremban”
The “lala” with an elongated slightly grayish greenish shell is always available in the market. It used to be RM 3.00 per kilo in the 80’s but now, it shoots up to RM 12 per kilo (due to the price hike of Brent Crude Petroleum to US$ 59.98 per barrel). The cooked lala will be RM 15- 20 for small portion in the restaurant or may be a bit cheaper at the Tom Yam stalls. Nowadays, many just buy only 250 grammes for use as rencah /garnishing. There is the “ambal”, which resides in a green bamboo like-shell. It is gathered by using a stick with the lime (kapor sireh) at the end which is poked into the ambal hole. The poor thing cannot stand the heat of the kapor and surfaced up the sand to be collected. It is cooked with or without the shell. The best gravy for nasi lemak is the “sambal ambal “– try it and it is finger sucking good. . .
The cockle (kerang) used to be 30 sen a kilo. It was a poor man food – boiled with the shell with serai, salt and gelugur to make the cockle soup. When there was no Maggie mee yet during the student days, the rice was eaten with kerang soup( 30 sen/kati) fried eggs ( 12 sen/egg) and kangkong.( 10 sen’/ 8 tahils). The kerang rebus or bakar is very popular in the hawker stalls. The expert eater can open the kerang shell with only two fingers!! But now, it has gone to RM 2.00 per kilo... The price of kerang in Sabah and Sarawak relatively high (up to RM 5.00 per kilo!!) The kerang Sabah are very big (sebesar sepenumbuk- clasped fingers), and when opened, it shows the red fleshy meat which always reminds us of some other organ which look exactly the same when it is opened up!!
The lokan is found in the muddy river. The texture and colour of the shell is like the buffalo or elephant skin. It is so rare a delicacy and it is not cooked on its own but use as rencah( garnishing) to the vegetables. They are gathered by digging into the river bed mud with the feet or in swampy area with a parang by “ tetak selut” ( cutting into the mud) and the click sound showed their presence . In the mangrove swamp, there is
The siput sedut. (Sucking snail) whose shell spirals up to 2 to 3 inches long. It is usually cooked as masak lemak or masak asam pedas cair with batang keladi. . If the pointed part of the shell is not cut opened, however hard you suck, it will not come out. The fun is in sucking this snail - choot, choot and it will spiral up into your mouth

There’s the kupang from the Muar River. . It looks like the lala but greener in colour with orange meat. The price per longgok has also gone up too since it has become a common sight in five star hotels buffet stations sitting proud alongside the imported oyster. The oysters have to be alive. Why do they put the lime on the oyster? First, to nullify the uncooked raw taste. ( hanyir) Second, to test whether it is fresh, alive and kicking – that’s what happened when the lime is squeezed on them. Poor creature, it has to be tortured first by the acidity of the lime and then eaten alive!!
On the other hand, you will swear if you get the “dead” empty shell of the kepah/lala /kerang. Kerang busuk is a popular proverb for those who like to smile with overexposed teeth with the bad breath. The empty shell is filled wit the swamp mud. When opened, it will release the swamp gas and mud. Can you imagine that you are seeping the soup in which this muddy thing is part of the recipe?
These mollusc, cockles etc. they are the Nature’s Indah Water. They lay on the river bed and processed of all the pollutants and clear the river. That why they gather lots of mineral and mercury. However, the unfortunate creature cannot evolve fast enough to cope with modern chemical pollutants discharged by the mills and factories and nowadays, their population is fast depleting.

Latah

2005-10-26T23:37:00.000-07:00

PokKu- Your revisit on “latah” prompted me to melatah on this topic. The latah can be switched on by a “provocateur” who acts like a battery to the car engine. The switch can be a “cokek” or “cuit” (a hard or soft finger poked at the stomach), tepuk bahu /belakang (slap at the back ) ; jerkoh ( surprise shout), or prompted leading words ( like the TV series “ whose line is it anyway” ) or self provoked when something moves unexpectedly ( an object fell down). There must be an element of ambush or surprise by the provocateur to set up the chain reaction by the “pelatah”. I suppose if deprived of the starter or catalyst, the latah behavior will be gone. I don’t see many among the younger generation having this latah behavior– except for Rizal of AF3 who pretended to be one only as pelatah pelatih (trainee copycat). When startled (jerkoh) without his anticipation, he did not react as a real pelatah at all!!
In those kampong days, latah was a form of entertainment; they didn’t have the radio/TV/Cinema comedy programme – no Mat Kambing, no Haris Iskandar, no Senario, and no Apek. Latah performance was a traditional form of spontenous stand up comic plus slapstick comedy. This psycho–physico -oral comedy tradition was maintained to keep them entertained during the family or village gathering. Probably, in 20 years time, the latah per se will be lost from the Malay kampong society. On the other hand, it may be transformed into modern latah in the urban areas especially among the politicians and public officials.
The traditional Malay society years ago live in bungalow (single pondok) elevated link/terrace house (long house) squatter huts (bangsal pisang sesikat) and latah was explained by researcher in this context. As a child, the parents used to play “peek a boo “(aauuu cak, aauuu cak. - a mild jerkoh?) The child responded by laughing continuously. After some times, he will guffaw automatically with the same stimulus. It is the conditioning of stimuli and response as explained by Skinner in his dog salivating by the sound of the bell. The other habits among the Malays were to tickle the child on the stomach either by fingers, you head or the father’s unshaven chin. The child will laugh due to your tickling but after some time; it is on the auto pilot which may not be enjoyable anymore. This habit of trying to surprise and startle one another remained as a fun game in the adult life as latah.
There was a story in Trengganu of how a latah lady met a tiger in the jungle. The tiger roared at her and she roared back. The tiger waved its paw at her, she waved back. When the tiger jumped, she also jumped. In the state of latah, she imitated whatever the tiger did without any fear. Finally, the tiger gave up and moved away. When the villagers found her, she was exhausted sitting down under a tree. Since the incidence occurred during a fasting month, the tiger may be fasting too and just wanted to have some fun with the latah lady. It reminds me of the man in the film “Dance with the Wolves” and in this case, it was a lady who “Dance with a Tiger”

What is interesting is that latah will be followed by the uttering of words and body gestures – at times rather vulgar!! The person who “cokek” like to hear those words or see those gestures uncensored, which is a taboo for a normal person but excusable by a latah person. Perhaps, those vulgar words and actions were bottled up in the individual / society and the latah incidence is an acceptable safety valve. The off colour words and gestures may be done by the pelatah. This is reflected in the entertainment business .nowadays. The local films and TV shows are fully censored but the satellite TV network can show the explicit sex and off colour dialogues as they am, I supposed. In the state of latah? It even occurred among the bloggers and you can check with the AhPek blogging with his creative beautiful poems. It is not censored since Ahpek is in the acceptable latah blogging state. (Always saw Lucia & Belacan there)
The fun of latah is sometimes accompanied by its danger. If some one who latah is holding a weapon (knife, gun, even cangkul) or he is a martial arts exponent, to provoke him is very risky indeed. The latah provocateur may just poke with his fingers and in response; the pelatah will poke the provocateur’s stomach with his knife or a good fatal blow on the neck. The pelatah may plead temporary insanity of latah type which may be admissible defense and need to be proven in court. The public prosecutor will be very careful to prevent him from melatah while the defense counsel will question to induce him to latah. If provoked enough, he will jump and do a silat pulut on the judge bench even though he was not called to the bench.

One of the modern version of the Malaysian latah is the political latah. This latah culture had being upgraded from the kampung pondoks and long houses to the urban setting of political, administrative and even legislative system without a clear separation of joker ( pelatah). The kenduri event as platform in the kampong has been upgraded to the modern media platform – newspapers and TV. The immediate unthinking reaction which may lead to libel and slander suit of Million Ringgits. Some people are in the habit of snubbing others which was being carried forward even before retiring. Of course, it has to be remedied by one million apologies. If not, it will be libel and slender case of millions Ringgits. Or in some cases, it demanded for both, namely, apologies and damages.
The latah behaviour had crept in the legislature. Shouting and hurling harsh words –reminds of those school days after a game of football or rugby when cheering squad start exchanging insults at one another. Under those conditions, you just melatah with all the creative and vulgar words and gestures. Fortunately, these latah are not being upgraded to verbal or physical “amok” yet. At least, not as bad as other countries – punching, hair pulling and throwing of shoes which were all televised live. In Malaysia, what was caught on TV was that they were with closed eyes and open mouth deep in their thoughts (or in their dreams) especially during the late Friday evening budget session. But the TV anchor lady with the lovely tudung in the Bajet commentary was very good and the pensioner was ex-cited to the announcement of RM 200 bonus...

Amok

2005-10-26T23:35:00.000-07:00

PokKu – Amok is one a few Malay word being incorporated into the English language and “embedded” into the American language I remember reading Hikayat Hang Tuah when one mad man ran amok in the market and the warrior hunted him down. The Megat was upset and ran amok when the Ruler performed a Caesarian on his wife just to retrieve a jackfruit (the operation was successful but the patient died.) He ran amok and killed the Ruler while being carried on the sedan chair (mangkat dijulang). Even Hang Jebat was damn sore when he thought Hang Tuah was killed and ran amok in the palace. He was killed with his consent by giving the Taming Sari Keris to Hang Tuah. (If not sorry to say that Hang Tuah may never have any chance to kill him). Is the amok behaviour only occurred and originated in the ancient Malay society??

The amok culture also occurred in the advance countries as demonstrated by the shooting spree among the US youngsters. That’s the case of not only transfer of word amok but it is the phenomenon of cross psycho cultural transference (what a mouthful!!) from Malaysia to America. I remember seeing the TV on the days of Chicago gansterism where Al Capone and the Italian Godfather’s main hobby was to run amok and killed the whole restaurant. Even today the US pilots and aviators seems to run amok now and then and bombed to death thousands of innocent people called as the collateral damage. While flying the pilots keep singing the old McDonald song

The American pilots have the guns …
They shoot ,shoot here…shoot, shoot there
They bomb, bomb here... bomb, bomb there
a shot here, a bomb there…
Sorry lah for the Iraqis and Afghans
.
Those with poor eye sight are good in the sense of touch as shown by the Japanese film of the Blind swordsman and may be Mr. Mat Liking Leé learns the art from the blind. The blind politician is also having a good sense of being touched since the masseur to the former President obtained billions of Rupiah worth of properties. King Arthur knights were said to be good in practicing this art but use a more refine instrument. When questioned by King Arthur whether he was playing around with the wives of those who went to battle, he was speechless after his tongue cut off by a specially designed guillotine chastity belt. Mat Licing Le’e uses the “Touch and Go “method. He touched and if it is super smooth, he will go. Except for one unfortunate day, when it was “Touch and Amok”. Sometimes, you feel like doing the same thing “touch and amok” when your smart tag do not work and there are five cars waiting in line behind you.

The amok may happen under the influence of anger and revenge. It is usually due to crime of passion. The hubby coming home at night and find the wife with her lover and he ran amok – that’s the crime of passion in a non polyandry society. One can also run amok under the influence of alcohol. The cars in Brazil are able run at the amok speed when it uses gasohol. It is interesting to note that under the influence of alcohol (during the fasting month!!); three Johorians can claim an island belonging to them and run amok against the hotel guests. However, not in all cases one cannot pretend to be under the influence of alcohol as an alibi to run amok. A man was very drunk and he asked a stranger to help him to get home. The stranger agreed to help and he pointed to the parking lot and said “that’s my car “. So, the stranger started the car and drive on with him. Then , he pointed to a road and said “that’s the road to my house”.and the stranger followed the direction. Then, he pointed to the house and said “there my house, please stop”. The stranger stopped the car and he went to open the door. Then, he pointed to the master bed room and said “that’s my room” and pushed opened the door. There he saw two persons on the bed, his wife and another man. He pointed to the bed and said “that’s my wife and that’s me sleeping besides her”.

Tujuh Liko

2005-10-26T23:32:00.000-07:00

PokKu – Malam Tujuh Liko was when the children of yesteryears lighted up the night. This year it may coincide with the Deepavali, the festival of lights. There is a new term being coined the Depa Raya. As those in Penang (Lucia?) will say, this year “depa saja yang raya” but last few years we have to “kongsi raya. “Liko, lekor, lekur,” - words that may sound the almost same but having different meaning. – Pada Malang tujuh liko, kita makang tujuh lekur kerpok lekor. (Lekur-basket/coaster for cooking pots)
The children then looked forward for the tujuh liko night like the adults of today looking forward for the Merdeka Night to raise the flag or counting down at the clock tower on the New Year Eve. Coming back from school, the boys looked for the discarded condensed milk tins. The use a special tin opener did not detach the cover and the hole on the tin cover itself was used for putting the wick (sumbu) made from tali guni. Cigarette tins were preferred but it was difficult to get unless you father was a real chain smoker. Bamboo can also be used but it consumed a lot of kerosene. Some use the white candles which are of two types – the long, slim one and the short, fat one. We had the illusion the long ,slim ones last longer, but in fact, the short, fat ones last longer –I suppose, it may be the same in real life. The oil lamp (pelita ayam) was then used for lighting the house and not for tujuh liko night decoration. However, we can now nostalgically buy the ready made pelita in the supermarket. With the coming of the C.E.B , the modern “api lip lap” become more popular.
The famous fire flower (sparklers) was the Black Cat Brand (Chop Kuching). It will light up and sparkle which brightened the children’s face and feelings. However, my father opted to buy the cheaper inferior brand where only half will be lighted.. It was considered not so dangerous to the children unless it was thrown on the attap roofs. Well, not so in my case. When the sparkle finished, the wire rod was still hot with orange colour. My younger brother was very impatient when he wanted another sparkler. Feeling ignored, he placed that hot wire rod on my arms – next to the vaccination scar. Wow, it was so painful. I have great sympathy to the cattle that were branded by the cowboys. Luckily it was on the arms . If it is on the face, I will be like the Zulu warrior. If it is on my eyes , I will be like Long John Silver…Anyway , I still have two vaccination marks on my arm.
Bamboo Canon was synonymous with malam tujuh likor. It can be specially made from the galvanized iron pipe where the hole is dugged and the end is sealed end with brass. ( tembaga.) The material use is the carbide plus water that produced gas for good explosion. ( Carbide was available since it was used for my father head lamp to tap rubber). The art of making and operating the bamboo canon was passed from my uncle to me. The bamboo used were the buluh betong reinforced with the rattan ( simpai rotan) .The Inter Kampung competition was to decide which kampong had the loudest one and the champion cannon get the respect of others. The technique of mixing the carbide need a special skill. If not, ( with too much water), it will sound with a weak “ddebohh like a loud fart. And you don’t want to be associated with a farting canon . The most dangerous part is just after the explosion when the remnants gas is still glowing.. You have to check with the help of pelita or torch light and if you were unlucky, it may re ignite and boom, you got it boy!! You can loose you whole eyebrow or your whole eye. To be safe, you have to wait until no more light in it.
There were many types of mercun( fire crackers) in different colorful or checkered wrapping. Mercun minyak was the thumb thick red coloured types and they were the loudest. There were also the small ones, the mercun padi – it just sounded …. kelepeeh. The fun was to light it up and cover it with tin can. If you were slow in covering it, you get the blast in your fingers. When it shot up like the Apollo rocket and you catch it on its way down. In the dark of the night , you kicked the tunggul (sepak tunggul)which split open you thumbnail.
Anyway , I had a few the Malam Tujuh Liko Souvenirs that I keep until today. The scar on my arm, finger scar for trying to feel vibrations of fire crackers, short eyebrow from blowing the bamboo cannon and the split thumb nail for kicking the tunggul . I had lived a fruitful and meaningful traditional Malay kampong boyhood. And still enjoy the tujuh liko nights even today and tempted to shoot one or two bamboo cannon but I am sure the police car will be in front of my gate in a matter of minutes.

Pele Pele

2005-10-17T19:15:00.000-07:00

PokKu- “Pele Pele” as it is spelt is difficult to pronounce unless it is in phonetic. This is the problem with the Malay language when the various “e” like e-teleng, e-pepet, e-sepet and e-rempit are discarded. Probably, the Malindo Committee on Spelling Standardization had the foresight then that lots more of “e’s coming such as e-mail, e-banking, e-commerce etc. and I was better to do away with it. Generally, it is difficult to pronounce by only looking at the spelling. Different pronunciation depending on how it is sounded consequently convey different meanings. PokKu invited me to illustrate and elaborate but is a tough challenge without the assistance of any Kopi O, Rokok Sigeret and “Gho Tu” !!

When pele is pronounced with Kelantanese slang like the Besutians, it may mean mango, plan or male vital organ. Since orang orang ( scare crows) ,kuda kuda (bench or the roof support) means the artificial version of the original objects, pele pele should be the artificial mango, plan or male organ . Depending which syllable is stressed in the pronunciation, buah pele may mean the mango fruit or the man’s fruit. The English expression is always that it is the woman who “come” and the man who “go” as in the case of the night that falls but instead ,the day that breaks !However, if it is using in a different context, pele means plans / technical drawings(lakaran)/map of an area. During a site meeting in Kota Baru, the lady contactor asked the architecture “tulung bukok pele letok atah mejo kito nok kelih” which can be transliterated as “Please open up the plan and put it on the table so that we all can see.” Since the architect is not from Kelantan, he blushed and refused to do it.

When pronounced with a slight Portuguese accent, pele is the famous Brazilian football player (as construed by Lucia). Pele can dribble the ball very well and we can say that “ Pele panda gete bola.”. But reverse the sentence as “Bola panda gete pele” can be vulgar. Try to read this with the appropriate pronunciation “pele Pele lepe macam pulut lepe “ .(lepe =leper , pulut lepe =pulut panggang) Porfavor Senor Pele.Mucho obligado

Perchong or sengeleng means is the deliberate action or sengaja. However,it has often been translated and spelt into sahaja . In praying or fasting, the action of praying or fasting is preceded by the deliberate intention (niat yang sengaja buat) . May be the first person who translated the Arabic “nawaitu” spelt sengaja wrongly as “sahaja”. The sengeleng, sengaja or sahaja has a lot of use in religious ritual. For example, I intend to fast tomorrow or “ sahaja aku puasa esok hari……..”.I intend to pray tarawih now (sahaja aku sembahayang terawih). Perhaps in Trengganuapeak, I should say “sengeleng aku puasa” or “sengeleng aku solat tarawih”. On the other hand , “saj’je je aku posa” may mean that the fasting is of no use, wasted or burned. This may be true if one refrain from eating and drinking only but violated all other forbidden things. For all the haram and makruh behaviour, the pahala marks will be deducted which ends up in negative marks !! “Prosa jadi saj’je je, dok dapat apa apa hanya lapar dan dahaga.”

The other confusing word is “tunai.” To many, it means cash money. However, when it is translated from Arabic, the tunai need not necessarily mean cash. The tunai there may mean fulfill ( fulfill my wish-tunai permintaan ku). Sembahayang tunai means it is not the qada’ (replacement /delayed) of the missed solat. The word tunai is used in the Muslim marriage vow. The man has to undergo the aqad nikah ( marriage contract ) ceremony by performing the ijab ( offer) and acceptance (qabul). This whole proceeding may look simple but it has serious implications. The father of the bride or in most cases delegated to the Qadi made the offer of the bridegroom “aku nikah dan aku kahwin akan dikau dengan ….( biride’s name) dengan mas kahwin nya RM 80, TUNAI”. The bridegroom has to immediately accept (if he is not so nervous ) “Aku terima nikah nya,bride’s name dengan mas kahwin 80 ringgit, TUNAI. So, what does the word TUNAI refer to ? Is it the value of the mas kahwin in cash not in cheque or bank draft or IOU ? Is it the aqad (marriage contract) that is DONE NOW? So, we have to go to the basic original Arabic version “ankahtuka wazawajtuka maa’ Fulanah binti Fulan bemaharin 80 rinjit, al’aan”. The word al áan here I think refer to the ijab and qabul which is being execute now, at the present moment .And definitely , it should never be comprehended as referring to hard cash or money!! I am wondering where we do get such an idea that it refer to cash? May be the first translator translated that way and many who were not familiar with the context straight away linked to the monetary value. May be the late P Ramlee , in making fun of the situation used to say “ aku terima nikah nya hutangggg….. When you have the wrong concept performing the oral marriage contract, it may not affect your aqidah but one may question the validity of such concept or niat . May be many feel bad and want to rectify it and perform the second time with your wife? But many more want to correct it the second time with the second wife??. !!

No Ryme Loan

2005-10-17T19:12:00.000-07:00

Pok Ku- No rain, no storm and suddenly, no streamyx. That’s really a frustrating experience. What is expected - “rain or shine, the service should be streaming on …?” If not, it should be considered as “stream my- ex”!! There are the others, i.e., Atlas One and Time Webbit but they can also be also “dua kali lima”. Nothing like a direct dedicated line but even that is not a guarantee. It seems that they may be very keen competitors in giving the frequent interruption service. It reminds those days when the class back benchers were competing hard to get the last place in final year examination. Our present backbenchers are also competing hard to get their voices heard by doing all the ridiculous things. At least, they were and are well known for some reason, and not just being Mr. Average.

It is difficult to find what rhyme for streamyx. There are two I can think off hand, i.e, Tumyx and a Premyx. Tumyx is brand for tomyam paste and the Premyx is the mobile cement mixer on the way to the construction site. So, let’s start the rhyme on the streamyx (in tune wit the rap song)

Streamyx PokKu, duk putuh sokmo

Sakit nyo hati , tapi nok wak guano

Kalu buleh, nok tera hok lain pulo

Tapi takut takut, jjadi duo kali limo

Sema nya samo, kata Derumo

Those who borrowed money from PokKu , don’t reply the sms. Probably, they can’t afford to sms back. As the saying goes, neither a borrower nor a lender…that’s my personal monetary policy. It helped to maintain my financial stability without complying with the liquidity ratio regulated by Bank Negara. You may not get a sms reply from a borrower- eventually may loose a friend. You may loose more if you’re the borrower and the generous lender is your Big Brother (Along). It is not only your property being not mortgaged but your family safety and peace of mind too. So, tolong, tolong never play along with Along for any loans. On the other hand, there are friends who treat you as his Big Brother (Abang Long) They‘re the one who love to borrow and never pay back. In dealing with this character, the trick is to give a fraction of what is requested, not to disappoint him. He will take it and you treat it as a written off bad debt- small contribution to a friend for old time sake . (Perhaps, your conscience says that it’s better for you to buy books for your children or pay his computer installments.) Then, pray hard that he will be too shy to come for another loan. However, at times he thickened his skin and face and still come again. This is the multiple comes type. Remind him of the last unpaid loan and donate a fraction of what he asked. If you’re lucky he would not come the third time but be prepared for the many subsequent times . Better to loose them rather than keeping being his abang long - big brother!!

The most difficult situation to deal with is those who ask to guarantee their bank loan.. The loan has no collateral and he is asking you to pledge you salary or property as the collateral. If he could not afford to pay or conveniently forget to pay, you are the collateral damage to the loan recovery process . But how to get off such a tricky situation especially if he is your good friend. First, tell the story that you were once a guarantor and still paying the loan that was not paid by your good friends. Or if you are daring enough, you can say that you were once declared bankrupt and therefore cannot provide any guaranteed. The alternative approach is to get mutual guarantee. In the early days, when they want to get married but their savings were insufficient, they had to register as a member and borrow from the Cooperatives. So, the two borrower’s guarantee each other and no one can default. However, the marriage certificate was still being endorsed by the Cooperatives ( like the car registration card by the Finance companies! ) until their third child when it was finally cancelled. By then, they may be itching to take another Cooperative loan for another one more !!

Pencen

2005-10-12T00:37:00.000-07:00

PokKu – What do pensioners do when they retire? One option is to listen to Pok Ku’s Radio Pencen. However, your old radio pencen had also retired and has been replaced by a new one. After 20 to 30 years of working in the public sector, one is compulsorily retired (bersara wajib) at 56 and the optional retirement ( bersara sunat) is still at 45. Recently, it was reinterpreted as after the age of 55 – many had one more year automatic extension. Usually, the newly pensioned person feel a bit lost. He is a bit sensitive to be called a pensioner. Work had been the major part of his life and is embedded as part his personality and identity. So, once retired he will loose his identit , his financial security, his authority and even his cultural sanity. He will also loose his rigidity and turgidity but it is normal and acceptable at that age. Oh what a fearful situation to go into – especially among the would be pensioners!! However, the adjustment to retirement may take some times and finally the retiree will somehow get adjusted despite the continous rambling desire to be retained in the service.
Some may look forward to the retired life. That’s the balance or residual of your life ( sisa hidup) which you should be free to do with it. Many want to retire in a quite life back in the kampung. . Away from the rumbles and noise of the urban working life to the way of life of their childhood which they nostalgically missed. But some may find it difficult to readjust to the kampung life since many things had changed. Much of the urban and working life values had seeped in. So, it is not surprising in some cases , the retiree remigrate to the urban life where things are more familiar. Some, especially among the Muslims, will retreat to the mosque and surau. They join the Hereafter Club and become the permanent fixtures of the masjid. They attend the religious lectures and try to correct their reading of the Quran. That’s the peaceful life for them. They will comfortably changed the jubah for the jogging track suit after Subuh to jog or do morning walk at the nearby jogging track. And trying hard not to ogle those ladies in sexy track bottom and bulging track suits.
On the other hand, some would prefer to continue working . The recent rumor that the government may increase the retirement age to 58 seem to be exciting to those who is going to retire this year. The reason being that all our neighbouring countries are retiring above 56 years since the average survival age of Malaysian is 70. Furthermore, there are gaps in the second echelon of the government servants as the result of job freeze policy implemented years ago. The financial burden of paying the pensions is getting bigger – since you have to pay to those who don’t work . The deferment of two years will give the government a moratorium period of two years of pension payment. The most important thing is that those approaching 56 at the end of this year have a lots of commitments – housing loans, cars loans, Along loans, children going to the colleges /universities. However, their hope was dashed as there was no such announcement in the last budget. They keep wondering how they are going to survive at one third of their pay. The only solution is to temperorily balik kampung and celeberate the hari raya and by the end of the year to “balik kampung tanam kacang.”
When one retires from the government service, one gets about one third of the last drawn salary. Since the optional retirement age is 45, it means that from 45 to 56 years in the service, one is getting only two third of the salary as another one third is due to him anyway even though he is not working. You work more and increase your productivity but paid less. Many don’t realize the irony of the pre retirement salary. However, the retirement age was overshadowed by the retirement party when it is overdone. The government allocation is RM 15 per head of the celebrators for the retirement party plus a token gift valued ar RM 200 and a certificate of appreciation for you to frame. To be fair, one also should remember the gratuity, the bonus,the purchase of the office car at the book value ( after depreciation) and the three months handshake which come to a handsome amount received by the retiree as his parting gift.

Traditional Management

2005-10-12T00:33:00.000-07:00

PokKu – There are many management principles in the old traditional Malay books. That perpatih seems to show the optimal mobilization of all resources. The clever experts are employed as consultants. (Jurunding). The rich venture capitalist will be tapped for their fund (emas) and it should be the list of companies with the blessing of the Tabung Haji Investment Panel. If not, it becomes controversial!! It is not only covering the management of 3Ms Money, Manpower and Materials but also to manage the W’s - Weaknesses. The immobile / paralyzed (due to severe bone fracture/ deformed) can stay put in one place and shoo the chicken away. The blind blow the lesong‘s edge. The lesong top will be full of padi husk and it has to be blown off to avoid the husk dust from re contaminating. The blind can also pound even though they cannot see the lesong opening. After all, most of the pounding is done without looking at it and even in the dark! The deaf can light up and fire the canon but should have a good knowledge of the sign language. The one with the ringworms (berkurap) were sent to look for bamboo since additional itchiness from the bamboo makes no difference generally, the handicapped are given the responsibility which they can excel in.
However, the workers/ staffs today are physically and mentally fit but unfortunately some are attitudinally handicapped. Given the job as the telephone operator, they ignore the ringing phone and answer it impolitely which require the sopan santun campaign. The fractured or paralyzed use it an asset to beg. However, those with good handicaps can be trained in golf to become BJ Singh or Tiger Wood... The modern employees who had the ring worm don’t look for the bamboo /bamboo shoot. These are always hamsap (miang) for a scratch and wanted other to scratch their back in return for a small scratch. It is pronounced as the original Malay as “kurap” but is spelt in the anglicized version as “corrupt”.

There are many examples of the traditional management style as there are management gurus like Mr. Peter Druker, Mr. Kohler etc. Unfortunately, it is more the case of only 5% management and 95 % style and the management Theory “X” is more applicable. The management style of Mr. Mark Jennings (alias Mat Jenin) was a very good long term planner. While climbing up the tree, he was seriously planning to sell the coconuts (paid in kind to him for plucking the nuts) and build up his business to be the Billionaire to marry the King’s daughter. But he fell from the bed to his death on the honeymoon night when trying to do his duty to his bride. This is the case too much idea, talk and planning and the company do not move any where. Never employ Mr. Mark Jennings as your advisors since they will give sound advice (95% sound and only 5% business advice!) There is Mr. Peck Cardock (alias Pak Kadok) whose fighting cock won in a match with the King’s fighting cock. But he lost his bet since he was not very knowledgeable in the trading and hedging in foreign exchange. He exchanged his own good fighter cock for the weaker fighter cock belonging to the King. He lost his village which he bet and lost even his sarong when he was jumping happily up and down thinking he had won. This is the case of one who mortgage and second charge his property to go into business. But he invests heavily in non income generating assets, i.e., luxury cars, posh office and even lovely houses (which are the status symbol of success).
Finally his mortgage assets had to be auctioned and was bankrupted by the court and lost his pants. Mr. See Loong Chay (alias Si Lunchai) is a good in the crisis management. He offended the king by equating the King bald head as his father’s and was sentenced to death by drowning. However, he managed to negotiate and wriggle out with a good VSS (Voluntary Separation Scheme) just for a song!! There is Mr. Pander (Pak Pandei) who was not “pandai” (clever) but very “pandei” (foolish). He rowed upstream against the tide and then downstream to attend two kenduris but missed both to go home starving. He took on too many contracts /tenders calculating his profits and finally faces the cash flow problem and failed to complete the project. There is Mr. Pock Douglas (alias Pok Dogol), the shadow play character, who was only a servant /jester to King Rama and Sita. He was very wise and in fact, the king’s advisor and the Tok Dalang in the palace. There is the Mr. Matt Prantecham (alias Cik Mamat Parang Tajam). Many people have wrongly associated his “parang tajam” to his phallic capability. Actually, it should be associated with is “sharp” brain and management style as portrayed by Wahid Satay in the old film. Then come the question, parang tumpul siapa punya? Dare not continue the lyrics since it may be sensitive and may be wrongly interpreted. It will always be an honour to become the apprentice to Pok Dogol, Cik Mamat Param Tajam or for that matter Si Luncai and not necessarily the apprentice to Donald Trump since I don’t like his hair style!!

Event Manager

2005-10-12T00:31:00.000-07:00

PokKu- Organizing an event such as a conference plus its dinner is a real headache. The main problem is in the budgeting. More often than not, it may run into deficit .To overcome this, it is worthwhile considering to organize an exhibition and get advertisements for the dinner souvenir program book. Built 30 exhibition booths plus space rental for the cost RM 500 each and rent it for RM 2,000. Print 1,000 copies of the slovenlier program at RM 5,000 and collect RM 30,000 from the advertisement. There you get a clean income of RM 70,000. Cakap tak serupa bikin , loh… – How to get people to advertise or participate in your exhibition?? . Even to get the paying participants to respond and register is a problem. Every one wants a free invitation or a discount rate. What about the choice of the venue of the conference? It is better to do at the hotel which do not charge the use of their conference hall (since it is included in the charge for food). If it is in the dedicated Convention Centre, they will charge for everything – for plugs, OHP, microphone, tables, chairs etc. and the food catering is a separate arrangement. I suppose, it was charged separately since they don’t want to have plugs, screws, microphones etc, in your food!! Anyway, when the breakeven point number of paying participants is reached, it is a relief to the event organizers.
There are people who employed the professional event manager. It will relieve you of the all those problems and headache. But the headache will come when you want to pay their fees. You often feel that have to pay a lot for so little being done!! It is better to have a dedicated committee of active people and pay them some honorarium, which is only a fraction of the event manager fees..
Conference management is very trying too. The speakers could not confirm till the last minute. Those confirm don’t show up and you still have to pay 25% for the tickets and one day the hotel room for no show. They want to travel first /business class and want to book their own which go round the world with Malaysian as the last travel destination. When arriving at the airport, they demand the VIP treatment. They want a single limousine or official transport. We are hospitable and too obliging – what to do? that’s our culture (except when we are in the traffic jam!!) On the other hand, if you are presenting a paper in a conference in the so called developed Western countries, they just give you the address and it is all on your own.
In choosing the MC for the conference/ dinner, the professionals are expensive. (However, the MC fees charged by Elida is still very reasonable) So, prepare a very good script and appoint those with some good voice, clear pronunciation, etc to read it and these amateurs/ semi pros will be happy to get a token honorarium. As to the singers for the dinner, the professional artists in Malaysia are very expensive nowadays. It is no more the token sum paid to the “kugrian kenduri kahwin”. The top one costs more than RM 50, 000 for 5 songs only. Many cannot afford it. So, try the budding artists who can quote at competitive rate. If it is an international audience, make sure the artist can speak English. If not, she will be conversing in Malay all through out – even though she twist and twirl her tongue to sing impeccably in her English song. If you ask her manager, he will say that she can do English – it turned out to be her English is limited to “Yes, No, Alright and Thank You” only. I once had an experience to in engaging a well known male artist (singer/comedian/ MC/etc.) who can speak English for an international conference dinner of 1,500 participants. He cracked a very silly joke about how woman fart – and it was considered as in good taste by the august audience taste after which the whole hall was empty ten minutes after that. The irony was that we have to pay him for chasing our participants away from the dinner. Years later our conference participants still remember and talked about that incidence during the dinner.
In estimating the number of tables, that’s another headache. If the dinner is inclusive of the conference fees and located in the Golden Triangle, usually one third of the participants don’t come since there are other attractions in Bukit Bintang!! If you ordered the tables for the whole participants, you’re wasting money. If it is RM 85++ per head, just imagine how much will be wasted if 30 tables are empty RM 25, 00 that’s a lot of money and food. What ever you make from the exhibitions and souvenir program book will go to pay the hotel dinner bill. You work hard to get the advertisers and exhibitors and then pay the hotels for the tables not used. . The hotel will not reduce the number of tables one or two days before the dinner but on the other hand, you can double the number of tables with one or two day’s day notice!! If you booked for a lower number of tables, you will be shivering when the dinners come streaming in.
How about your secretariat staffs? Usually, they are not provided for but if there are empty seats they can come in. Everyone should have the host spirit, the preference is to the guest and the host will take the left over. It is very difficult to treat your secretariat that way – but what to do. But most of the time there are empty tables and they can go in. If not , there are lots of 24 hours Mamak stall where it cost RM 8.50 minus minus per person and not RM 85.00 plus plus per person.

Writing Inggeris

2005-10-12T00:25:00.000-07:00

Pok Ku – My mother is not English. So, her tongue is not made in England. My father’s tongue was made in Malaya. Therefore, my mother tongue is not English. So, my English is wyswyg language (wyhwyg = what you hear what you get). Generally, it is not that good and it is also not that bad. So so lah……. My first encounter with English was in the Special Malay Class. There was a subject known as English Language. I used to call it English Lang Lang Guana (that’s the nearest pronunciation of the word language in Malay.) It was difficult to pronounce since the spelling did not match the sound. Special Malay Class was a misnomer which should be Special English Class for Malay kids from Sekolah Melayu. That was where we get the first taste of English –which was sweet or at times bitter. Sweet was when your family look up at you as “boleh speaking orang puteh”, irrespective how broken it was since they don’t speak English. Bitter was when you have to forgo missed the canteen nasi lemak since you have to pay the fine from your pocket money for speaking Malay in class. On second thought, we should have learn the sign language, since such signaling may not be construed as “talking”. No doubt, we have a good vocabulary of our own sign language then but it was only handy when we were quarrelling with other student in the class and started showing that “creative” sign language behind the teacher’s back.
There were also students who were in the Remove Class. Well, they were in standard six in Malay or Chinese school and then joined the English school to repeat the standard six. Sometimes, we called it the half past six – half in Malay medium and half in English medium class of standard six. Until today, I don’t know why it is called the Remove Class. I suppose they were removed from the original Malay or Chinese school to the English school. One seemed to be more proud to have your educational institution called School (English) rather than in Escola - Sekolah (Portuguese) or in Madarassah (Arabic). Since the Remove Class pupils were from other streams i.e. Chinese, Malay or Indian, they were more mature student and their original Malay, Chinese accent was thicker. So are those from East Coast, the North and Negeri Sembilan. It is interesting to listen to the various local flavored versions of English then.
So, our pronunciation is thick with Malay /Chinese accent and ending with laaah or maaaah…or if you were from the then North Borneo baaaaaa. It is interesting how English had been localized or domesticated with local flavor in this region. Malaysian tends to speak fast at the speed of the Malay or Chinese language. My teacher used to caution me that English is a slow language especially when spoken in the cold winter. In Indonesia, they had the Dutch influence - pronounce the consonant “V” as “F sound … “Good Efening”. If they are a Ninoy (male) or a Filipina (female) , their English is more Americanized but inevitably, the deep thick Tagalong crept into their provocation .When they pronounce the word “ in fact” , it sounds more like “in fack” ( spelt with the vocal “ u”) and the comprehension is pronounced ending with shion and not shen. We cannot expect every one to speak, read or write good English. At times, we also cannot understand the Cockney accent in England. In the Midlands of UK, they pronounced “shorter” in distinct two syllables as “shot her” making you wonder who is the murderer?
How was English learned in those days? It was very structured English which stressed very much on grammar. The main book used was the very thick red cover book entitled “The English Grammar” by Wren & Martin. The mastery of this thick book may result in excellent grammar and written English but unfortunately not very conversant in spoken English. We were rather shy to speak English then which was often equated with snobbishness .The only time when a Malaysian will start twisting their tongue towards the English, American, Stralian accent was when they go to study abroad- if you stick to the Malaysian accent , they natives cannot understand what you were talking . Non comprendo, Senor!!
When you went to Form I, you were fascinated with news words. There were student who learn the English direct from the Oxford English Dictionary, starting from A to Z. There were those naughty boys who looked for equivalent vulgar words in the Malay –English dictionary and happily discovered fascinating words like fornication and adulteration (?). There is a special small book – 555- where they write the new words. Those boys in science class were very amused in deliberately pronouncing wrongly the scientific instrument like burette and pipette. Some girls were fascinated with bombastic words. Their essay becomes a jigsaw of sentences with some planted bombastic words to impress but unfortunately out of context and it end up in big red question mark by the teacher who gave low marks. There was the abbreviation in the speech like BF, GF and in the autograph like ITALY (I Trust And Love You), MALAYA. (May Allah Look After You Always).
The radio is one of the source for the student to listen and learn English. . They were very thrilled to hear their names announced by the then Deejay i.e. “The song is requested by Robert Elvis Edwin Chong and dedicated to Evon Christine Jessica Phua.” The Malay students did not use the given English names ( or Christian names) but anglicized it to Joe ( Johan ) Jeff ( Jaapar), Matt (Mamat) Emmy ( Aminah), Cathy ( Khadijah) . The boys who can sing the Frankie Avalon or Elvis Presley song may attract many girl fans!! At the class party, the boys or girls will form singing groups with fancy names (e.g. The Proboscis, The Breeze, and The Molecules) and sang English songs. Without comprehending the lyrics , the famous song “ Oh darling , I am but a fool” was sung confidently at the top of their voice as “Oh darling, I am a bloody fool”. The end of the year party was organized with the dance, the far apart dancing like the twist , cha cha in beat or off beat and joget lambak ( e.g. the Petronas Merdeka TV advertisement where the lead actor dances the twist in the school class party!!! What did he whisper to her….kalau menari twist kena tunduk kedepan , jangan tunduk kebelakang ..nanti jatuh lerrrr) It will end up with a tearful farewell English song the OLD AND SIGN (Tua dan Tanda) and only later to discover later that it is pronounced not as it is spelt - Auld Lang Syne.

menopause

2005-09-21T02:38:00.001-07:00

PokKu- Yes, menopause also happened to man – I supposed it is called “man pause” as compared to woman’s “menopause”. In Bahasa Malaysia , I suppose , it is called “ putus haid” in woman but in man, it should be termed as “ putus head”-that is when the head is “ switched off” . So, man undergoes the first adulthood when he has to “potong head” and enter to second adulthood when he had “putus head”. In the time in between the potong and putus head, his is very active indeed.

There was a man aged 35 who feel not well and had flushes all over his face and body in the morning and in the evening. When he told his friends about this problem - they told him that he may be entering his “man pause” stage. After some thorough medical check up and blood test, it was discovered that he had thyroid – over active thyroid gland which increased the body metabolism and give flushes to the face. In the traditional Malay medicine, there is no need for Viagra or Callis or Catuk Mas or Tongkat Ali or Sawat Unta Kering but by doing regular exercise and some traditional massage. No, you don’t have to exercise it such vigorously such as lifting the shoes or dumb bells. There is an exercise that the old traditional Malay man (such as Mat Kilau of Peramu and Tok Gajah of Paya Besar) did which was called Senaman Geliat Kucing or its vigorous version of Senaman Geliat Harimau. Then you need a group of 20 men of “putus head” men and we will organize a workshop. There is a story of a man who practices that particular exercise who took a second wife. . So he first wife was very angry and he complained that he cannot stand her as she become very furious like the tiger ...” garang macam harimau. He also cannot stand the second young wife since she is also harimau, that is, “hari, hari, mau …and hari, hari mau “

London

2005-09-21T02:38:00.000-07:00

Pok Ku- You have shown that what happened in London was an attack by terrorist and definitely not an attack by true Muslim. However, many are seeing it more as an attack by Muslim and the international media are reinforcing it in the slant of their reporting. This terrorist approach is familiar to Malaysia and Britain in British Malaya. The British were facing the CTs (Communist Terrorists) in Malaya and then, the IRA in Ireland and now, this type of terrorist in London. The British were experts on the approach adopted by the terrorist (rural or urban) which is based mainly on the guerilla warfare tactics except in this case; it is done internationally with no borders. Terrorist approach has certain war doctrine such as “When the enemy attacks, we withdraw. When the enemy withdraws, we attack”. “Time is on our side”. “We choose the battle ground to fight.” etc. The attack was done when they see their counterparts as at most relaxed posture.

The fanatics or in modern days terms is called Fan Club (Fan is short for Fanatic) involved were members Terrorist Fan Club irrespective of who they are. Therefore, it should be looked from the angle of Terrorist strategies and tactics irrespective of which organizations … MCP, IRA, VC, ETA, FARC, The Red Army, ETC, etc. etc. Therefore, they should be looked as Members of the Terrorist Fan Club and not as exclusively the members of Muslim community per se. However, the angle in the news reporting seems to show that Terrorism against Democracy as “Islam against Democracy.” The terrorist is equated consciously or unconsciously at the back of the mind with Islam directly or by implication. Since that’s the view of the West, we cannot avoid such stereotyping cannot is inevitable as the Malay saying goes “If a buffalo gets into the mud, the whole herd of buffaloes will be smeared.” And we can add that even an innocent cow that may be smeared too. Even the turbaned Sikh became an innocent victim.

Malaysian felt more close to the incidence since those tube stations and double decker bus are more familiar to some Malaysian. It is not as remote as the places in Moscow theatre. We sympathized with all those innocent ones. To the terrorist, it may be just figures of dead and injured euphemistically termed as “collateral damage.” As the pilots who bombed the civilians by mistake, it was just the click of the button as a boy playing the video game. What ever is it - killing of the innocence in whatever name (e.g. Collateral damage) is not justified since no one would like themselves or their close friends to be mortgaged as the collateral to any deadly incidence such as the Terror in London.

merdeka

2005-09-21T02:37:00.000-07:00

PokKu- What is the origin of the word “merdeka”? Perhaps those in DBP (Dewan Blog & Pakblog) can tell us. The word is related to the word slavery – to free the slave is “untuk merdeheka hamba abdi” – freedom /independence. Since it is not Arabic (istiqhlal) or English (Independence), perhaps it was of Sanskrit (e.g mentera, mendeka etc. ???) However, the word was not so familiar before 1957. You can listen to the old folk in the Malayan Film Units pronouncing it “mengdeka or mendeka …or merdeheka”….and among the children, who were so happy to get the free cinema tickets, they shouted mentega ( butter) …not to make fun of it but that’s the nearest words they knew ( butter). Those from East Coast pronounced it with a slight twist as Man Deko – referring Mr. Deraman Bin Umor whose hand is slightly bent and legs slightly short and limping ( Deko) after his unfortunate the last accident on his old Honda Cub 50 with the express bas. Perhaps, some may have the spirit of Hang Jebat and pronounce it as “menderhaka.” That was true during the colonial days that we had to menderhaka kepada penjajah British in order to get our Merdeka. At least, we know that Malaysia was derived from Malay Asia – used long ago by the British, and Japanese. Why Malaysia is pronounced with a silent “H”or “Y” ( ME-LEY- SYIA) . And not as it is spelt MA- LAI- SEE-A. Perhaps, it sound more Anglicized or on the other hand, if pronounced in the original spelt version in Chinese dialect, it means different thing.

Rap or Hip Hop. Frankly, I don’t know what the difference but I don’t dig that kind of music. So my views are definitely very biased and highly skewed. Not that they are Afro African origin but it just don’t jive into my ears. The song is just the continuous chanting or murmuring of words and seems to be sung by anyone who cannot sing . To make it nice, Too Phat has to intersperse it with anak ayam or other traditional Malay song. The pronunciation of the words was so swallowed (berboloq) and you don’t know what it is all about. I prefer the Queens English or even Manglish as it is more comprehensible. Rather than Afro American accent which is interspersed with yeoohhh; yeoohh. It is the culture in the Bronx but are we still dependent of their culture and need to import it wholesale?? . Once I listen to KL FM radio and the cute eyed Adam AF2 was on the air. One girl phoned in and asked him how long he had become a rapist? Adam answered “semenjak dari kecil lagi….

At least, now I know why it is called Rap. The pronunciation of the lyrics is so “berboloq” (swallowed up) like being wrapping up in the mouth which is munching the hot dog or burger. They cannot afford nice juicy steak at the posh grill restaurant and have to make do with the hot dog at the street corner. Anyway, one thing I do appreciate about rap is the long lyrics. So, the singer has to memorize it all irrespective of his level of comprehension. It may be of no problem to Malaysian who can hafal lagu Hindustan or the Arab song without knowing the meaning. It is better if you know the meaning. I don’t like the rap dance which I supposed originated from the break dance. . This is the dance which uses a lot of the head and hands not to show your expression but to support the body in the contorted Chinese acrobat position. At least, I can guess why it is called “break dance”? If you missed your twist or turn when you are jumping or doing the head spin – you will break your leg or better still you neck.

The dress for the rap singer is of course oversized. Some times I wonder if their singlet, underwear or boxers is also oversized- just for the inside out fashion conscious and not to support any large anatomy. It is the way the Malaysian kampong parents buy the clothes of one or two size more when you’re young so that that it can last for two or three years. I remember wearing an oversize Fung Keong white shoes to school and feel like Mickey Mouse. Why does the Afro Asian wear the oversize dress? Usually, you get the oversize clothing free- when give for disaster or from the church charity give always or cheap at second hand shops. That reflect the poverty levels of the Afro Americans and to hide it , it was turned to a fashion. Remember the worn and torn jeans- if you cannot afford to buy new ones , ask Calvin Klein or Gucci to turn it fashion . The dance movement and hand gestures in the rap song. outstretched and pointing fingers. Why? Perhaps , the clothing are too big and baggy , you have to stretch your hands to avoid it drooping down.

We have not got our cultural independence as yet. Especially in music and song . the cultural colonization is an ongoing process. It is very rapid without us realizing it especially among the younger generation . It is mentioned apologetically as globalization. In the east coast , globe is known as “gelok” . made of coconut shell for containing water. So , west globalization is to put everything in the western gelok. Our children are eating pears, apples, oranges ..and putting away the smelly durians, messy mangoes teen, funny taste Lang sat. They don’t eat kapok lekor but loved hot dogs, never taste the lempeng but loved pancakes and pizza, drink san Frisco and put off by black local coffee kow, . So , the orang asli was right when he said that they are the orang asli in this country while all others are "Orang Tiruan “ Barat yang tidak bukan asli lagi dan belum merdeka ”

'stud bulls

2005-09-21T02:35:00.000-07:00

Pok Ku - Talking about the mating behavior of the cicadas, it reminds me of the mating behaviour of the cattles and the cows. For the purpose of breeding, the stud bull is used and they are better in status than the gigolos since they sired good cattle either for the milk or meat. The stud bull is very expensive (e.g. more than RM 30,000 per bull?? ) depending on its size, virility and breed. The natural service ratio is usually at 1:25, that is, one stud bull is to 25 breeding cows where the bull can do its duty efficiently. However, there are those who wanted to economize and resort to using one stud bull to provide the natural service to 50 - 100 cows. Of course, the bull is very happy having a big harem. However, within three months, it got weak and died. So, the accountant has to give a good reason to write off such a valuable assets and usually the cause of death is stated as natural exhaustion.

In the olden days, the Chinese Emperors had 1,000 mistresses /concubines which is still traceable in the in the Forbidden City today. If we calculate, the Emperor would not have the opportunity to his favorite one once in three years. And by the third round the concubine was already old. Most of the Emperors die at very young age which explain to what happened to the stud bulls. They cicadas make so much noise because they cannot get it – once in 7 years. This behaviour seems to reflect in the human species as well. A man who is “quite quite tapioca” type will have second or even fourth wife. But those who make a lot of noise usually dared only to talk but not to do it. The dogs that bark don’t bites. So let the cicadas spent their preserved and highly charged energy to make the noise as alternative outlets.

The common remarks that “you don’t have to keep or rear the whole cow, if you can get the milk from the market. ” are not very pleasant to the female ears. Well, the cows can now reply to such expression by saying that “you don’t have to buy the expensive stud bull if you can get the frozen semen from the market” for artificial insemination (AI).” . In doing the AI, the Veteran Veterinarian have to hold the frozen semen in a straw tube in his mouth to maintain at body temperature and simultaneously have to fondle the back of the cow before put their whole arms (seluk) in to locate the uterus and then put the defrosted semen into it. Don’t worry about the size or the length of your arm/ hands since the cow usually can take it but we may not be able to take the smell, sight and sound of the semi liquid dung that come out from the same channel.

The next question that comes to mind is how do they collect the semen and preserve it cryogenically in the very cold liquid nitrogen. In the case of test tube babies or sperm bank, they put a man in the room to solve the problem and with some videos, he can find the right solution. How do you excite the stud bulls? Of course, the pictures of sexy cows with bumpy humps or very large udder won’t do the trick. Or the mooos and booos of the cows like the cicadas would also not do the trick. Well, they have to create an artificial cow on wheels and with the smell of the cows on heat. The bull will react accordingly and have his way with the artificial cow and it is collected like the venom of cobra in the centre for producing snake bite antidote

Some of the insects also go by the smell. May be the cicadas should be genetically modified (GMO) to sexually attracted by smell and not by sound. The beetles will be sexed up ( like the M I5 report on Iraq to Tony Blair ) and attracted by the pheromone which produced by the female beetles. So , to kill this pest , artificial pheromone is placed in the trap and they will get killed in the trap bins … .. It is the true love since one the beetle is willing to sacrifice itself just to have a go at the female beetles. It is no different for human beings too where many dies of Venereal Diseases, Vietnam Rose and AIDS & HIV…… just to have a good go at it . On the other hand, the animals at time are one level higher than human beings. The male of any animals or insects won’t sexually mount the other male animal or insects however horny they are. In other words, there are no gay or lesbian animals or insects. I am sure the two cicadas in your photos are male and female and they are NOT both males and both females. On the other hand , the liberal western societies are more advanced that they allow the same sex male of female the legal right to mount each other !!!

size doesnt matter

2005-09-21T02:34:00.000-07:00

PokKu – I was on a short holiday. What is important is that was a good holiday – even though it a short one and not a long one. That was the issue of your blog which touched on a literally and physically very sensitive area. It is difficult to comment without getting lecherous since I am neither a lecturer nor a lecherer. It should be a discourse between two parties, i.e., the not so well endowed male and the not so well provided female. ( Lucia asked for my comments on this.) If I keep the opinion to myself debating the pros and cons, it tantamount to an intellectual masturbation. It has to be educational and even couched in double meaning so that the young and inexperienced may not be able to fathom the actual meaning. It had been the subject of literary writings since they said “the penis mightier than the sword”. Or the famous literature quotation by Shakespeare – “Too Big or Not Too Big - That’s the Question.” . It may be related to power. Hitler who was a megalomaniac had only one testicle in the scrotum and he is not so much good thinker as Socrates.( singular – scrotum ; plural – socrates?) Napoleon Bonaparte had a small stature and, logically, his is proportionately small in size, but he compensated his inferiority complex by being Big Emperor of France .

(cont.) The Big issue in Thailand cabinet now is how to identify the One with the Big Artificial One. Perhaps, Monica Lewinsky can be of assistance since she had done well as the US Congressional Aid. The only problem with Monica was that when Clinton denied his affair with Monica, he asked the reporters to read his lips. On the other hand , Monica was at a disadvantage because she cannot open up and ask the reporter to read her “lips”. It is difficult task for her unless there is a “before and after” record/ x rays/picture . Perhaps, the documentation of this anatomy should be included as the biometric record at the US Immigration database so that when people who are guilty conscious or scared passed the scanner, it can be detected as shrinkage and be subjected to full security search. .

( cont.) To rise to the occasion, the organ has to be fully filled with blood. You need to have a very high blood pressure (@ 210/ 100) and good locking valves ( viagraless) in order to keep you and maintain your honour. Therefore, a big size will require much blood to be pumped and piped down. The medium or small size will have no problem at filling up and get blown from inside or from outside. The disadvantage of the big ones, especially artificially enlarged, is only half or three quarter is filled the blood vessels and it becomes a Macrosoft – macro(big) but soft. When the locking valves loosen, it will start to sing the famous cowboy song” Hang down your head Tom Dooley , hang down your head and cry !!” Obviously , it cannot perform the 21 gun salute to celebrate the happy occasion. So, the famous Chartered Bank slogan of “Big ,Strong and Friendly” will become “Weak, Throng and Softly” . That’s the meaning of the lyrics of the song “ killing me softly, killing me softly with his……” If it is so soft , it’s really killing the lady who felt not so well provided for. .

( cont.) What is lacking in size can be compensated by other factors. What matters is the whole package - Rigidity , Longevity, Frictionability. To some extent, the circumcision does provide for the package. There are people in western societies who are against circumcision . They even sued their parents for circumcising them when they were small. Of course , the mutilation of female organ that chopped of the whole bishop’s nose ( of the chicken) is not a good practice. It was meant to slice only the tip of the bishop’s nose not the whole lot. What compensatory factors does it give??? When the skin is cut off, its length is slightly shortened which enhances its rigidity. Even tough it is not long but it is long- lasting since the exposed head and neck make it less ticklish. It is like the Eveready Battery which is capable on nine lives or for that matter nine rounds !! The rather jagged “skin off” portion will create roughness that enhances frictionability. However, what is often told is only for hygienic reason and naturally deodorized. By the way, have any one heard or, for that matter, experienced the “second” circumcision. It is usually done at the age of 50 + + or even at 60 + + . This second circumcision is similar in concept and principle as the face lift in the cosmetic surgery. With age, the sagging skin will decrease its rigidity and roughness. So , the second cutting off of the skin will give a new lift (equivalent to the face lift ). However, the person will be out of action for two or three weeks – to give time for the wound to heal. The second circumcision is only possible with the veteran Tok Mudin who may have his third or fourth one. It may be a bit painful but one can stand the pain at that age as compared to the younger days. What is important it is worth the pain. But after the overhaul , it is as good as new. So, Happy Birthday to You ( 61) and Selamat Pengantin Baru ( 63)

TV

2005-09-21T02:33:00.001-07:00

PokKu- Your blog reminds me of the essay in the LCE exam on the good and bad influence of TV- at that time it was still in black and white. Pok Ku’s (being a radio programme generator himself) younger days were from the radio generation which more positive influence. While listening to the radio, we can study. But during the examination most students cannot do well because radios are not allowed in the exam hall. I am sure many will do better if radio is allowed on with the use of ear plug. Our English from SMC or Remove Class can be improved by listening to the radio programme. The conversation and pronunciation is much better with the slang of Allen Zachariah or Helan Abu. But in watching TV, half of our attention has been hijacked to the pictures. The music video is half clouded with the images the half clad girls with suggestive sexual gestures which resemble more of the soft porn. It is not the song that stays in the mind but the suggestive movement of Madonna on bed, the bulges of cup DD of J.Lopez or the hands of Michael Jackson stroking his zips or what is inside it.

The present schooling generation study time has to compete many external distractions. I.e. with the TV programme, with the supermarket/ shopping complexes, with the video game, with the 24 hours Mamak stall, with easy access to drugs, with modern music, with the week end parties etc. Finally , the student will score straight 6As, that is, A1 for TV watching , A1 for lepak in super market, A1 for video game , A1 for staying late at Mamak stall, A2 for light drugs , A1 for weekend “birthday parties”. That the new generation loaded with such that we are producing now. It is part of the western culture colonization and the main media is the TV. It used to be the sailing ships of British East India Company or the Dutch V.O.C. or the Spanish galleons. On the other hand, they will get straight sixes (6’s) in the SPM exam - C 6 for every subjects.

When have multiple channels and numerous TV stations to choose from. The latest is the reality TV which even goes to the extent of putting up a programme of how a girl will choose her husband or how to compete to be a chosen husband – of course copied from copied from western TV. The programme should be renamed “Perigi Cari Timba”. In fact, this concept of “perigi cari timba” has advanced a step further from advertising in the papers, magazine or the internet that you’re single girl looking for a suitable husband and many males will write in and contact the lady advertisers. In the porno magazine in US and EU, the advertisement will be accompanied with the pictures of the lady’s three valuable assets - how disgusting!!!

( cont.) Academy Fantasia has become another interesting reality programme... But the voting through sms seems to be reflecting of practice of “money politics” in the arts and music. If you have money, you can have the power (politics) to sustain the student of your choice in the Academy. It is like voting for the wakil rakyat or for that matter perwakilan parti who is popular even though mediocre in their performance will sustain long in the party until the disciplinary committee take serious action. The whole objective is to make money via sms, more advertisement in the TV, and the winner of the whole system is leader of the majority who becomes the Prime Minister but this is the case of Akademi Fantasia, it follows the presidential system – the most voted candidate in the Electoral College will emerge as the President even though he is a former film star like Ronald Regan or Eric Estrada or MG Ramachandran. What is the common feature of these presidents – they have almost the same hair style.

word

2005-09-21T02:33:00.000-07:00

The word tunjal may convey many interesting meanings. You can tunjal your legs to ride the bas tunjal. If you observe the track events in athletics, there is a sprint block on which the 100 meters runner will kick back hard while the swimmers will make a U turn and tunjal the wall of the swimming pool to ensure good forward propulsion. However, the modern Malay may prefer to use the word “sprintasi” (instead of tunjal. For example, use “Akademi Fantasi” instead of “Maktab Khayalan.” What happened when one gives or receive kick back? It is not stated as a tunjal but rather to “punch under your armpit” (tumbuk rusuk) I suppose if the amount is big at least a handful ( se penumbuk) it is tumbuk rusuk but it is a small amount which can be held by the fingers, it is known as “tunjalan”.

You can also “tunjal” using your fingers by “ tunjal muka’, ‘nak tunjal dahi dia” atau in other district “nak jengkal muka dia” . This is considered as a very impolite gesture where you point your fingers direct at another’s face, particularly at the forehead with the aim of embarrassing him. That’s why in the Malay culture it is very rude to point at another person or object with your index fingers which tantamount to “menunjal” your finger. Instead, the use of the thumb is more polite and refined. So, you use your “penunjuk” finger to tunjal and your “mother finger ” to tunjuk!! On the other hand, if you poke (tunjal) some body with your index finger on the stomach, it become only a “cokek” pronounce as Cho–Keq. This will make the other party to “latah” and say some forbidden magic words forbidden word which is only unique to Malay society

It is interesting that there is no real terminology for the fish “lure.” And of course, I strongly support Pok Ku created terminology “Ikang Lebong.” Of course, you cannot call the fish lure as ikan liar which is not possible to catch. But in catching the terkukur or merbuk birds, they use a “lure” bird in a locked cage to call and lure other free birds to be trapped in the open cage next door. If I’m not mistaken, it is known as “burung denak’ or ‘burung pemikat”. Perhaps, another terminology that can be considered for the fish lure is ikan denak. This is being used a lot in advertising – where they used busty and barely clad girl as the “denak” for the products. Anyway, the other alternative is to call it “umpan tiruan” (artificial bait) but it may not so accurate or precise. That reminds me of a story of one urban dwellers going to Cameron Highlands and he stopped at the road side to buy some durians. So, he asked the durian seller whether he is an “Orang Asli”. The durian seller, somewhat annoyed, answered “Encik, memang lah shaya Orang Asli bukan nya macam Encik Orang Tiruan!”

water

2005-09-21T02:32:00.000-07:00

Pok Ku- You gave long list of how the consumers waste the water but what ever it is, they paid for it. But there is another party who wasted most of the water and asked others to pay for it. Surprise? Before the water goes to the tap in the houses, it is piped through the underground network. However, this underground network is an OLDIE and so HOLY. (i.e. old and with lots of holes). The water loss through the seepage is estimated about 50% or so by the expert "waterologist". ( if you don’t believe me, go under the pipes and measure it your self) Or alternatively, you can get a branch stick (as used by the cowboys to look for water source) and point it along the underground pipelines and it will always point down. So, the consumer can only waste a fraction of the residual 50% of the water supplied to them which is at the maximum less than what the water supplier wasted . This fact is often not revealed since what happened is an underground activity.

But that water wastage still constituted part of the “overhead cost” (in this case, under feet or underground cost) and the consumers had to be charged for it and wag the fingers vigorously at those watering their plants or bathing their Kancils – since the Kambings (latest Protiga Compact car Model to be in the market after the AFTA) refuse to bathe or be bathed. That’s why in KL, they are changing to a new piping network now. Some “waterologist” said that the re piping can be done for free if the 50% leakage is recovered. Or alternative the water rate can be reduced by half. This is a good effort where the consumer will be PUAS to hear the privatized company making some investment in water supply other than just signing an agreement which is mainly to their favour. It was reported to start in TTDI whose residents find the tractors, backhoes and road drills etc. are being orchestrated to play the road side symphony in front of their house. The last place they are going to dig as a special night operation is at the car wash next to Rasta Eating Shack when there is another Nasi Dagang Party to be organized by Pok Ku. – To provide the music background for the blogger which was not available the last time around?

(cont) How to teach the Malaysian to be more water conscious. In affluence, “Money is the root of all evil “, which include the evil of wasting water. “Necessity is the mother of Invention” and of course “Scarcity is the Father of Economisization”. We should have the water rationing at twice a week- as a drill practice for the drought season and create a more “hydro conscious“Malaysian population. Either you conserve it in the tank and use it sparingly or face the consequences of having no water after you have done your business and the toilet paper is not enough to clean it. Alternatively, put them in a summer camp in the Khyber Pass or Gobi desert for a month. You can see lots of them, especially the Muslims, rolling in the dust on the ground every Friday morning doing their tayamum or doing their “grand hadas.” Another approach is adopt the “three in one ( 3 in 1) approach, i.e., Three Passes and One Flush – that is the combination of Three Passes of Water or Motion or Both and then a Flush of Water. You do it three times and close tight lidded (and never open it) and flush once with the royal flush. Most of us know how much is the amount of one royal flush of water recalling the freshie days when given the royal flush honour – the water seems to be keep coming down on your head / face timelessly. Or you can use the 3 in 1 approach as an excuse when your wife catch and scold you for forgetting to flush – say that you do it purposely to save water.

In the old days, water management and conservation was part of Malaysian National Non Secular Education Curriculum. When attending the Evening Quran class, the duty of the student was to draw water from the well, filled them in the 17 kilos kerosene tin and carry it to fill the pool of the surau , and then the Tok Guru house tempayan or even in the anaks and menantus houses. It was quite heavy task though which was detested by all but no boys and girls attending the Quran class were exempted from that duty. The small girls who cannot carry heavy load are asked to sweep the floor or the compound of the surau /house. You have to carry the water in the 17 kilo tin by two people and to strengthen it you have to put one hand on the other carrier’s shoulder. . It was the “Kara and Carry” system (Kara or spelt in English as Carra). It is nice if your carrying partner is a girl who is growing up adolescence and you can see all her muscles up . So , there is no need for the extra curricular or Physical Education ( PE) class and carrying water is part of the curriculum 3 K’s ( Kara , Karry , Kolam) informal religious education system. Some said that was an exploitation of the young labour. Well, it was no exploitation but only a “double exchange of wants” since the children don’t pay cash (parent cannot afford) for the class except for the nasi kuning and telor / rendang for the initial registration, the children pay in kind. The children have to literally carry the burden of their Quranic education - in terms of timba and pales and tins and tins of water daily... It is no different to the present PTPN – where the children pay for his education. But the traditional “ Pay As You Learn” by carrying water is better since you are not indebted when you khotam ( complete) your Quran as compared to now when you khatam ( graduate) your study – you get a certificate, an I.O.U of RM 60,000 and NO JOB which is as painful as another khatan ( circumcision) session.

( cont.) Talking of New Water (spelt NUWATER to psychologically conceal the original water), we should not forget about the Old Water. For every 1,000 gallons of raw water, we sell for 3 sen and buy it back after treatment at 50 sen. Mind you; we are paid the 3 sen from the 50 sen of our money. In fact, we paid a net of 47 sen so; we built our own treatment centre which cost RM 1.20 for it per 1,000 gallons. What to do …. We have to pay to be independent of the water supplied by other countries which is in fact our own water. Nothing much can be done since the legal clause is taken “parri passu” from the Treaty of Pangkor 1874 which will be valid as “long as there is the sun and the moon in the sky.” So, we should produce Nuwater and piped it to other countries. It is economically worth while; psychologically fulfilling and egoistically satisfying to collect all our waste water and let others buy and drink it. There are others who may have other radical ideas. The area around the catchments should be cleared and planted with oil palm and rubber tress so that we can produce more biofuel and more condoms. But don’t slash and burn it since every one will know where the fire is when there is lots of smoke and haze around. By doing this, you can have your “one bird and two stones” – one long protruding bird and two round soft stones below it!!!

Although it is known as NEW water, it was an aged old concept. I read some where that one of the former Indian Prime Minister used to drink his own water for medicinal benefits. (Of course, not direct from the tap but in a glass). One thing for sure, you can get rid of everything but the odor but the new water is able to do that. However, the other thing is that you cannot get rid of your imagination and psychological hang over – when pouring from the pot, it feels like from the toilet bowl. I know of a friend who recycles his own water . He likes gardening by growing flowers and even vegetables in his backyard. His garden looks very green and uses to give some of the vegetables to me. . Finally, I find out that he used the natural fertilizer which is derived from his water. After that I don’t accept any leafy vegetables from him anymore. Now I know that he is good in gardening not because he has “green fingers” but he use the water from the “eleventh finger “

The kampung water from the well is laded with lots of mineral in the undissolved form which give a unique coloration. If you stay in the coastal area , the water is a bit dark and payau ( brackish) . It is good for making coffee since you can use less coffee to get the very "kow" black. If it is in the clayish region ( berselut) or drawn from muddy river , the grayish yellow ( kelabu kuning) water can be used for teh tarik which save a lot of milk. Preferably you don’t even notice it after eating fresh water fish , you think it is from the fish left over and not from the water

Rang Ikang

2005-09-21T02:31:00.001-07:00

Pok Ku- There is a more familiar use of the word “rang” as in the “Rang Undang Undang”. Did that word “rang” ring a bell? Before legislation becomes law, it is tabled as a “Rang Undang Undang”. In English, the term used is a Bill. The draft law is “tabled as a bill and then passed as the Act of Parliament”. A bill is also an invoice for you to pay. I suppose it is the same at the Mamak stall ,when he “tables a bill and you make it as the act of payment.” I suppose the word “rang” may be the short form of “sarang” or the “rangka.” Sarang undang undang or rangka undang undang – shortened to rang undang undang. Well, we have to ask DBP - Dewan Blogger & Pustaka. However, your rang is a different – its physical sarang or rangka - an “elevated platform.” So, the English translation is not as “Under the Dried Fish Bill” but it should be “Under the Dried Fish Elevated Platform”.

What about your slogan ”Random Rambling of a Retired Retainer” – It sounds nice with all the Rs initials. What’s the Malay equivalent? . All the words are easy to translate except for “retainer”? Retainer defined as one who obtained fee, payment or allowance. In the East Coast, the word is '" pelihara” (pelera) –to retain by maintaining and use the service once a while. Examples are in the fire brigade or the army . No fire, no war but they are still get their pay. So, it is “Beleber Rawak dari Pelera Bersara Dibawah Rang Ikang Kering” or in English “Random rambling of a Retired Retainer under the Smelly Elevated Platform for Drying Fish”

PokKu likes to eat out everywhere, unlike those who are scared of cholesterol or euric acid.. For those who are very gout-fearing (as oppose to those who are God fearing), they avoid all type of sea food such as the big juicy prawn. There is a tip (petua) on how to enjoy the prawn without worrying about the gout etc. Make sure you eat the sharp end of the tail which is a hardened pointed structure in between the tail fins. That’s the antidote to cholesterol (remember the petua that the durian “heat” antidote is by drinking the water from its pod.) At first, I was skeptical about it – but taking chitosan ( which is made from chitin to reduce the cholesterol) it does make some sense. It is an irony that you eat the prawn and throw away the skin; and then you buy the expensive chitosan which is the prawn skin. In order to encourage you to eat the tail end, such effort will give you two rewards. Firstly, the chitin gathers the fats from your system to be discharged out; and secondly, part of your anatomy will imitate the hardness and sharpness of the prawn’s tail , aphrodisiacally speaking.

pulau

2005-09-21T02:31:00.000-07:00

PokKu- thanks for your invitation for me “to fill in the gaps” which had made me a staff ( Pok Der Umo) commentator of your Blog. In Ganu accent, pulau is pronounced pula…( in baku Malay) and not as in Johor Riau accent “pule” (which means also) . The English word “Island” is spelt differently but pronounced differently – either they don’t know how to spell or to pronounce. In the SMC days, we pronounced it as “East- Land” which defined as a land mass surrounded by water. If it is engulfed by three quarter water, it is known as Peninsula and in the SMC days, it is easy to rember by spelling it as “Penis Ular”. If it is 50% covered by water , it is the beach head or the water front of course. . Pulau also means to boycott, ostracize ( make some o ne an ostrich??) , discriminate, alienate or “islandise (UK) or “islandize” (US) if there is such a word. The English don’t conceptualize this word from the island but from other sources. It may be derived from the situation of a boy crying in the cot. Their parents are so fed up and just make “don’t know only” and leave the boy in the cot, that is, to boycott

May be we can continue speculate, hypothesize, or theorize the origin of the name of the islands in Trengganu. Why leave it only to Charles Darwin to speculate the origin of you and I from the monkey up the trees. As to Pulau Manis, may be it was planted with lots pokok kayu manis or the Tok Nyadat made the sweetest nissang . Alternatively, the girls on this island are all very sweet - manis, manis belaka. But it seems tha tin Trengganu, the girls from Pulau Rusa are more sweet and fair skinned since the heavy shade of the trees and vegetation had kept them out of the sun.

What about Pulau Sekati. – Perhaps lots of duck were reared there especially the itek sekati. On the other hand, may be the inhabitants of the island had in fact weighted the island. How did they do that ? Well, I have a theory on that, namely, the same way as Abu Nawas in Baghdad measured the centre of the earth. He poke a stick/pole on the ground and declared the location as the centre of the earth. And he challenged those who did not believe him to measure to the north, south, east and west …and reconfirm that they are equidistance from his pole. So, the burden of proof is on the challengers. It may be done by him years ago in Baghdad but he is right even today - as the centre of the world now! So what did the people of the One Catty Island did was to put the weighing machine upside down or down side up so that the whole island is on the weighing pan and see the reading on the weighing dial ..…of course it is one kati. However, to convert the name into metric terminology may be too long …….Pulau Perpuluhan Enam Kilo or Pulau Enam Ratus Gram.

( cont)

It is not sure if the mermaid landed on Pulau Duyung but possibly the ikan Dugong from Johor Baru may have swam up north when raffles took Singapore. But the Dugongs are not as pretty as the mermaids. However, it is for certain that those ladies who wash / bathe in the river wearing the traditional bathing suit (berkemban) revealed part of their busty top and well shaped body clad in wet batik which resembles the mermaids. So, if you want to wash your eyes, don’t have to use any eye lotion but go to the pulau where there are lots of Duyung by the river side.

Pulau Kapas may be derived from the cloud in the distance. Fortunateely, it is named in these modern Malaysia – otherwise it is called Pulau Jerebu. Pulau Gemia. should be translated to the other Non Ganu people as Pulau Setar or Pulau Kundang since that fruit (or their cousin) is called by those names in other places.. Pulau Tenggol may mean the ship anchor island or for that matter it is derived from South America dance which the inhabitants like to do the Tanggo by the Ganu style which is more tongek in its posture and move like the silat penyu.

Pulau Babi may get its name from the wild livestock once found there since the domesticated ones are reared in gazetted area other than Port Dickson. The former state government could have changed it to Jazeera Al Khinzir but to make every understand it and happy, it is transformed to Pulau Bahagia. That’s why the name of the hospital in Tampoi was changed to Hospital Bahagia which makes the outsiders happy but the inhabitants cannot understand why? Pulau Musang does not mean that the men and women there there are very foxy (horny) but mussang in Ganu means that those people are very short tempered and can be easily be “angrified.”

( cont)

Pulau Bidong has gained the international stature and recognition once. It was well known as the transit point for Vietnam refugees onwards to the Amerika. It nearly created an international incidence when a statement was made that Malaysia should “shoo” the refugees on sight but it was reported by the malicious international press as “to shoot the refuges on sight.” Luckily , the refuges don’t stay long there and if not , the island had been changed to “Pulau Viedung”

Redang is pronounced as ray-dung and never rur-dung. . That’s the problem with Malay spelling since we have thrown away the E teleng or E Pepet and left only with E Sepet. Ray Dung Island gets its name from the fish faeces - Sting Ray’s Dung which looks quite different from the Cow Dung. We cannot blame on their wrong pronunciation since George Bush or any of CNN or BBC newsreader also cannot pronounced the infamous Iraq Prison of Abu Gharaib. Even you changed to Ghe -Dang; they still cannot pronounce it since the tongue is not cultured by budu or belacan. There is the real buah redang from pokok redang and the kuih buah redang which is the miniature version of kuih bom with a nut and sesame seeds.

As to the island called Susu Dara, it sound nicer than the Dayang Bunting Island ( langkawi) or Bukit Janda Baik (Pahang) or Kampong Batang Berjuntai (Selangor.) Pulau Susu Dara may be a misnormer since one fact is for sure that a virgin cannot lactate. But that will not encourage many man to “pulau susu dara !!”May be there are lots of special variety pokok Buah Susu (markissa) and buah Bidara (buah mata kucing) grown on the island. So, pula ada banyok buoh ssusu dan buoh ddfara becomes pula susu dara ???

Pulau Kerengge …in the olden days, that’s the place where they tie any naughty children or persons naked to a tree and put lots of red ants nests on them…as a mean of punishment and as a correctional activity. It is so painful when the red ants come out to have a bite or two which makes one cry or dance the merengge rather than sing the Aku Semut Api song repopularised by Felix Agus of AF. The concept of this island as correctional activity is still maintained to the present day. The prisoners who do not know how to swim will not try to escape from this island since they have the idea that this land locked island is like The Alcatraz in front of San Francisco.

modder

2005-09-21T02:29:00.000-07:00

PokKu- Is it is human nature to modify things. Car modders is the manifestation of this insatiable urge. Not satisfied with the original design, the car’s body is painted metallic, the shining metal parts are chromed, the tyre and interior blackened, the screen tinted fully pasted with stickers and installed with all accessories. Similarly, not satisfied with the natural original state, the face will be modified with foundation, powder, rouge, lipstick, mascara etc. to look looking like the Chinese wayang actor/actress.

The behaviour of the car modders is the reflection of human modders. The replacement of the car’s head lights with more protruding ones (like the grasshopper eyes) has its interesting parallel. It is the manifestation of the breast modification to fit cup DD size. This is done either by exercising, massaging, use of cream or surgery. Surgery is done to enhance the Silicon Valley and to make it “duduk tercatok”. The owner of the new breast will increase her asset worth and pride. You can replace your head lights if the car accidentally knocked the lamp post as in the unfortunate case of breast cancer that has to remove the original and replace with artificial ones so as to continue to be feminine. . But not just for the sake of modifying it to be big, bigger or biggest even though every one like the biggestest!!

The bonnet of the cars is modified to look sharper and slimmer like Formula One racing cars. They put a tiger or jaguar replica at the top of the bonnet to look sharper. In parallel, the nose job is very commonly done by Asians who have rather flat nose with the “jambu- like” nostril. The drawing by Lat on the nose of his cartoon illustrates this “hidung kemek macam dilenyek steam roll”. The shape of the nose that is allegedly or actually done by some female artists seems smaller and sharper. The newspaper even put the before and after picture for the readers to compare. At times, those who have done the nose job will point fingers and accused others of doing it as well– it takes a “nose job” to catch another “nose job”.

The other part of the car that is modified is the bumper. It was often replace with big bumper – like the old Volvo bumper. It is functional since whoever knocks from behind will crush his own car grill. The car should look big from the back view. They even put the stabilizers on the boot above the big bumper. The Arabs and Eskimos have their big bumpers naturally and those tribes who climb hills are very tonggek. However, there are people who expand their bottom even with special corsets, or padded undergarments or even went for operation to enlarge their bottoms.

The small and slit eyes of the Orientals have also been modified. The eyes are enlarged and the heavy eyelids are removed that considered as a minor surgery like the laser use correction of the eyes. As to the stomach, it is slimmed by surgery and extraction of the hardened fats (liposuction)... What about big ears, like Princes Charles? Or Tok Gajah of Pahang? It has to be trimmed to make it smaller. But Saddam Hussein was too much to completely modify the ears of Iraq’s football players who lost in the Olympic match.

They like to change the grill of the car with that of the bigger luxurious car. Similarly, one can modify the teeth by enduring the braises for years. It is rather painful when the braises are tightened, though but you have a modified set of teeth. (Or is it the original set up before you r mother gave you the soother to suck at the early age. Those with physically big mouth will have the surgery to make it smaller to looks cuter. Sometimes, the size of the mouth is associated with the other mouth – which can be embarrassing to have it too big. On the other hand, the big mouth and big lips can be an asset – as valuable as the big breast. There are artists with big mouth, big lips, big nostrils, etc. who do not modify their special features but capitalized on it as their assets to become popular and identified it.

We have talk about the modification – the main modder being the female who did it for the sake of beauty. However, there are car modders who prefer better car performance Kancil engine with the six stroke engine of Jaguar. What is then the man desire to modify on him ….well, may be to modify it to the piston of equivalent large tractor engine as recently demonstrated by one adventurous Thailand’s Cabinet Minister!!

massage

2005-09-21T02:28:00.000-07:00

PokKu – Your blog’s message was on massage. The traditional massage is an art by itself. Usually, the proper and complete massage is performed for three days after the isya prayer. The “massagee” has to wear the sarung in the “cawat” (loin cloth) fashion and lay on his stomach. It is not polite to be stark naked bottoms up to the masseur. The first day massage is to soften your muscles/ body – melembutkan urat. It is done rather gently with help of the special massage oil i.e. minyak urat (which is different from minyak mengurat @ minyak senyonyong). The second night is for the real massage. Armed with the seasoned thumb, fingers, elbow and even the heels, the masseur goes for the targeted areas - urat belikat, urat kuat, urat mereh and even urat keting, etc. The masseur and massagee stayed in a room and you can hear the occasional ouuchhh....oohhh…aaahhhh of the masagee punctuated by the cough and urp..urrp...urrp…( burping) of the masseur. The masseur burped because there is banyak angin in the body of the massagee. The “ hang over” that the massagee has to suffer on next day is so painful – feeling not able to lift your body. The final day massage is to rehabilitate your sore muscles ( memperbetulkan urat) and the massage is done at “ medium” level. After that , you feel your body very light – ringan badan and be ready for any thing – even for the third or fourth wife !!

Besides the herbal jamus, the post natal massage is a must among the traditionally minded woman ( or even modern woman nowadays). It will revitalize the body by slimming of the fat tummy, lifting of the uterus ( sekak perut) and re tightening the overstretched vital muscles. The prenatal stomach massage ( lenggang perut – swinging of the tummy) is performed to check the position of the baby. The main instrument used is the VCE scanner ( VCE = Virgin Chicken Egg Scanner ) is which is heavily “jampied” ( dijampi oleh Mak Bidan) . It can detect the abnormalities of the baby or its ejection seat position. If it is bridged , it can be carefully massage to be realigned to avoid any caesarian birth.

Another well known traditional massage is the bone specialist masseur – the bomoh patah. They are very useful in cases of simple or compound bone fracture. He will massage the fractured region which can be very painful and even lead one to urinate. What is important, he can fix the fracture without using the plaster of Paris. However, the main “ pantang” is not to drink young coconut water which can make the bone rapuh ( brittle) and susceptible to another fracture. There is some bomoh patah who does it like playing the video game – in fact, more like playing the voodoo game. He will use the chicken feet as a media to massage and realign your broken bone. There is another bomoh patah who used the third party – their sahabat jin ( genie) who will do it for him It can be done by remote control from other locations – and the fracture or slip disc will get cured. It may sound strange but you have to really experience it to believe it.

The most popular traditional massage is the specialized massage to the vital part of male anatomy. That is to maintain its rigidity, lengthen the time or to overcome the EDS (Extreme Dead Shoot (Malay terminology) or the Erectile Deficiency Syndrome( English terminology) This special massage will start from the waist and then the legs/thighs; and finally zero down to the target area i.e. pubic region , scrotum, testis, shaft and the head itself. No details will be given here since it is a trade secret and was patented ( patent pending No. PTM – 010- 987 ). You have to experience it yourself or ask Pok Od about it. One basic question that comes to the dark side of one’s mind- how can it be massaged without awaking it. Well, if it is the case of EDS, it will not rise to interfere with the masseur. However, if it is for maintenance or for long lasting purpose, how to avoid it from interfering with the masseurs hands. The massage applied very hard to certain region which create the pain thus preventing it from waking up to interfere with the masseur. Imagine the pain it inflict when the scrotum is being squeezed hard and the head being pinched - it is no pleasure at all but very painful indeed.

(P.S. My granduncle was a tukang urut/bomoh patah and my grand auntie was a famous bidan. The information above are non fictional. I don’t massage the facts and figures except that at times I cannot resist the temptation to tickle it a bit. )

jalur

2005-09-21T02:27:00.000-07:00

PokKu – I was told that the Father of Independence did not like the Colonial masters and wanted to be away from the British. So, he looked further west – the United States. That how we get the present design of Jalur Gemilang. Its name also sound similar The Old Glory as compared to The Stripes of Glory. Another story I heard is the National Monument – Tugu Peringatan. It was designed by the American after the Iwo Jima Monument and the human statues looked very American. However, it was claimed to be modeled after some one from Kedah who was a student in US and working part time at the Malaysian Embassy in Washington DC. These are the two unconfirmed stories and some one who knows can verify or deny it. Besides knowing what the various parts of the flags signify, some qualified historians can tell the actual origin of the Jalur Gemilang and not to leave to speculation. It should be like the national anthem “Negara Ku” whose melody, if I am not mistaken again, was based on the song Terang Bulan. It may have a humble beginning but we should respect it as our history. What is important as Malaysian, we should not only be satisfied with the glorious past (satu jaluran sejarah Malaysia yang gemilang), the jaluran sejarah has to be made cemerlang and terbilang di dunia today and tomorrow.

( cont.)Perhaps, if we go to the UN headquarters or any international organizations, we can see that there are three countries with similar looking flag, namely, a developed country - the United States, a developing country- Malaysia and an underdeveloped country- Liberia. The Liberian flag has the red and white stripes but in the canton, it is only one big star. The US flag has numerous small stars in the canton according to the number of states (excluding Puerto Rico and Iraq). We are familiar with Malaysian flag with the presence of the yellow crescent. So, don’t be mistaken Malaysian flag with other Nation’s flag. A friend of mine once went to the FAO in Rome and wanted to be photographed in front of the Malaysian flag which was put on the pole with other nation’s flag. When he came home, he realized that it was the Liberian flag in his background !!

( cont.) The rising of the flag need some skill especially on timing. It should stop when the flag reached the top of the pole at the exact end of the national anthem. To the inexperienced flag raiser, it is hard time trying to adjust the timing. It may reach prematurely or it had to jump to the top. I was not a scout master but was the flag raiser and after some times it become automatic.

Kimma had reported on the improper covering of half naked model by the e Malaysian flag. On the other hand, the model or the magazine may counter report that the Mamak shops are the flag on using the waiter’s songkok – who are either Indonesian or Bangles waiters! Perhaps, some one may also report that Mr. Lee Jee Sun , the veteran 61 years old swimmer, was waving the Malaysian flags while not properly dressed – wearing only the swimming trunk.

GUBLOG

2005-09-21T02:26:00.000-07:00

PokKu- You idea on Bloggers Omnibus is brilliant. The proposed compiled Malaysian Blog should be produced virtually “on line” first – The Bloggers Minibus. It can be done very fast by creating a website, e.g., WEB LOG OF MALASIA (BLOGMA) – pronounced in the Chinese dialect with elongated Maaa… The whole process can be done fast by any semi pro computer enthusiasts. – get the email on nominated blogs, , copy paste to a central file, create web page, hyperlink it and presto – there’s your blog maarr by next week If it is to be printed as the hard copy (book version) for the “hard disk” (slate stylus) generation, the publisher (sangkelate) may face lots hard time which create a lot of heart ache and need some hard cash up front and it may be realized by next year. If you want to publish after the on line version, just get a good cover and download it and print it. The motto should be “anyone can blog and can read the blog BlogMa or you may rename it “Blog Asia.

Royalty to the bloggers? Don’t put much hope on that. Nobody want to write books nowadays because the photostat edition (or in CD /VCD edition) will appear immediately the next day with much improved cover and layout compared to the original version at a fraction of the original price. It can be stated in big bold letter at the front book cover with the “Copy Right Reserve “and it will be read by many entrepreneurs as their inalienable “right to copy” and to profit from it so as to increase their own cash “Reserve” in the bank.

Of course, being the editor, Mr. Blogger Sangkelate needs to edit it a bit. Writing a blog usually takes a short time - only half an hour or so to complete a master piece. Of course, the language is not impeccable – with lots of redundancy, spelling error, circumlocution, grammatical errors etc. – which is not necessarily incorrigible. Unless, it is footnoted as being the unedited, raw and uncensored version – like the nasi dagang yang belum di arong or kepok lekor yang belum digoreng. Some blog which use the Manglish (a very Mangled English of Malaysian English) or even the Bazaar English (Inggeris Pasar Malam). If it is interesting, it should be preserve as such. But not those blogs which used Monglish (Monkey’s English) which is very rojak, crude and vulgar – in terms of pantuns, poems, dialogue etc. I also suggest that it should also include all the blogging terminologies as approved by DBP (Dewan Bloggers & Pakbloggers) – Pakblog, Moblog, Goblog etc. This terminology is very important so that the environmentalist NGOs may not mistake the term the blogger for “Balak Loggers”.

The compiled blog is meant mainly for the original blogger with his own blogsite. There must be a logical explanation why certain blogger don’t have his own blog site. Therefore, this compiled blog is definitely not for me who am only a humble “GUBLOG” - which means “GUest BLOGger” and pronounced with a thick Indonesian accent ( jawa pekat). If the GUBLOG comments are silly and unbearable, it should be pronounced and mean as the original Indonesian word “goblok”.

management

2005-09-21T02:22:00.000-07:00

However, the workers/ staffs today are physically and mentally fit but unfortunately some are attitudinally handicapped. Given the job as the telephone operator, they ignore the ringing phone and answer it impolitely which require the sopan santun campaign. The fractured or paralyzed use it an asset to beg. However, those with good handicaps can be trained in golf to become BJ Singh or Tiger Wood... The modern employees who had the ring worm don’t look for the bamboo /bamboo shoot. These are always hamsap (miang) for a scratch and wanted other to scratch their back in return for a small scratch. It is pronounced as the original Malay as “kurap” but is spelt in the anglicized version as “corrupt”.

There are many examples of the traditional management style as there are management gurus like Mr. Peter Druker, Mr. Kohler etc. Unfortunately, it is more the case of only 5% management and 95 % style and the management Theory “X” is more applicable. The management style of Mr. Mark Jennings (alias Mat Jenin) was a very good long term planner. While climbing up the tree, he was seriously planning to sell the coconuts (paid in kind to him for plucking the nuts) and build up his business to be the Billionaire to marry the King’s daughter. But he fell from the bed to his death on the honeymoon night when trying to do his duty to his bride. This is the case too much idea, talk and planning and the company do not move any where. Never employ Mr. Mark Jennings as your advisors since they will give sound advice (95% sound and only 5% business advice!) There is Mr. Peck Cardock (alias Pak Kadok) whose fighting cock won in a match with the King’s fighting cock. But he lost his bet since he was not very knowledgeable in the trading and hedging in foreign exchange. He exchanged his own good fighter cock for the weaker fighter cock belonging to the King. He lost his village which he bet and lost even his sarong when he was jumping happily up and down thinking he had won. This is the case of one who mortgage and second charge his property to go into business. But he invests heavily in non income generating assets, i.e., luxury cars, posh office and even lovely houses (which are the status symbol of success).

Finally his mortgage assets had to be auctioned and was bankrupted by the court and lost his pants. Mr. See Loong Chay (alias Si Lunchai) is a good in the crisis management. He offended the king by equating the King bald head as his father’s and was sentenced to death by drowning. However, he managed to negotiate and wriggle out with a good VSS (Voluntary Separation Scheme) just for a song!! There is Mr. Pander (Pak Pandei) who was not “pandai” (clever) but very “pandei” (foolish). He rowed upstream against the tide and then downstream to attend two kenduris but missed both to go home starving. He took on too many contracts /tenders calculating his profits and finally faces the cash flow problem and failed to complete the project. There is Mr. Pock Douglas (alias Pok Dogol), the shadow play character, who was only a servant /jester to King Rama and Sita. He was very wise and in fact, the king’s advisor and the Tok Dalang in the palace. There is the Mr. Matt Prantecham (alias Cik Mamat Parang Tajam). Many people have wrongly associated his “parang tajam” to his phallic capability. Actually, it should be associated with is “sharp” brain and management style as portrayed by Wahid Satay in the old film. Then come the question, parang tumpul siapa punya? Dare not continue the lyrics since it may be sensitive and may be wrongly interpreted. It will always be an honour to become the apprentice to Pok Dogol, Cik Mamat Param Tajam or for that matter Si Luncai and not necessarily the apprentice to Donald Trump since I don’t like his hair style!!

cycle

2005-09-21T02:18:00.000-07:00

PokKu and to All Pak Bloggers

There’s lots of nostalgia on the bicycle since it was the main mean of transportation in the yesteryears. The Basikal Tua was made famous by Sudirman song. Some called it bicycle “Jaguar” ( don’t know what it was so called) which were used for carrying heavy load of agricultural produce or RSS rubber sheet. It is used by the Bengali Roti sellers those days to put their bread and sell their roti bun, roti Peranchis and of course Roti Bai... Sometimes, when your own regular bicycle that was used to school was punctured, you had to use your dad’s Jaguar bike to school – it is not very cool to ride in front of those girls who giggle at you.

The bicycle is not meant for carrying one person only. It has the capacity to carry four persons like the cars in the modern day .i.e one peddler and three passengers. Besides the driver cum peddler, one passenger can be carried on the cross bar and two on the back carrier. My dad often asked me to bring my three younger siblings to the night Quran class, and the bicycle was just built for it. For the peddler, it is very heavy load especially going up hill. I remember once we went downhill fast and have to cross a narrow bridge and we fell into the drain. The others passengers pre empted the fall and jumped out first away but I had to follow it into the deep drain. What is unfair is that I was punished for causing that accident where the front rim was bent beyond .

The film on the Bujang Lapok series showed the prominent role of bicycles in the Malaysian / Singapore society then. It was when P Ramlee mengorat Saloma (nurse) on a bicycle. Or when Shariff Dol cornered Saloma to the road side until she fell down. In fact, it is more advantageous to carry your girl friend on your bicycle ( cross bar) as she is practically a hugging distance (sepemeluk) in front of you and you can enjoy riding cheekily i.e. cheek to cheek. As compared to the motorbike, she is behind you even though she will hug harder at sharp corner or emergency brake. . It is the front bumper light that act pleasant shock absorbers. If it is in the car, she is beside you and the gear box and handbrake are disturbing youBut you must have basikal jantan to do that .For basikal betina ( without cross bar) ; it is not possible to carry her except in one case- a joke which was often told among the boys in those days. A male bicycle rider who is wearing sarong had offered a girl a lift on his bicycle. The girl ride on the bar and upon reaching the destination, she alighted and when she wanted to thank him, only then she realized that the bicycle was a ladies bicycle which has no cross bar. She was wondering how she was able to ride on the bicycle bar??

To cycle in the temperate countries is alright. It is cooling - not so hot and sweaty. Imagine cycling here in tropical countries and with the heat and humidity, it is not sweaty under your arm pits and under your leg pits as well ( due to vigorous peddling) – what an aroma and you need a stronger Odorono for your leg pits. If it is doing the evening exercise in the track suit is alright after which you can shower with the Japanese “SUKA BUZUK” soap and shampoo.

One interesting feature is the use of bicycle in the Institute of Higher learning (IPTA).. The undergraduate in Malaysian Universities were so snobbish and were not encouraged to use bicycle. Some juniors tried to break the tradition and the next day he found his bicycle in the lake in front of the Second College. Perhaps in those days going to university is a privilege and riding a bicycle may not be so cool. The trend was to use motor bicycle- Honda Cub, Suzuki, Yamaha. Vespa, Lambretta and showed the University sticker that you’re a U student. They prefer to walk and sweat to go to the library or lectures. This attitude has not changed much I suppose

The cool thing among the boys those days was to own racing bike. It is very stylish with a horn like curved handle, two cute water bottles and small leather saddle. It goes well with the drain piped yankee trousers fashion then – looking like the Le Tour de Langkawi cyclists except that they are not so bulgy like the male Ballet dancers. If you can’t afford the racing bike, then you modify your bicycle. All you need a spanner and a screw driver and treat your bicycle as imported CKD !! You can turn the normal bicycle handle upside down. Sometimes, the handle is replaced with the straight bar which is sawn from galvanized iron pipe ( besi paip). It can be modified by increasing the height of your saddle so that you ride “yam seng ( bottoms up) “style parallel to the bar like a racing biker. Some remove the chain casing, the mud guard and it looks very sporty indeed except that you cannot ride with long pants or during or after the rainy day.

One thing for sure that the skill of every one should have is to be able to put back the chain when is “de chained” and to patch the tyre when the tube is punctured. When the rubber valve to the tube is spoilt, you must get the rubber worm (cacing) to replace it. In the kampung, it is difficult to get the valve – so you get the life leeches and by cutting the two ends, it can be used it as the temporary rubber valve regulator. The actual earth worm ( cacing tanah ) is too soft and better keep it for fishing bait.

It is interesting that the Ganuspeak for “launch” is “lacor” which is modified from the baku Malay word “lancar”. Therefore, the one who helped tolauch the bicycle is th e”pelacor”. In Ganuspeak, it may sound innocent ,that is, “pelacor kena tolok supaya senang nak jalang!” (The launcher have to push so that the bicycle can move easily). However, it may mean different thing altogether in standard Malay. When a small boy first learn to ride, usually the bicycle with the cross bar (male cycle - basika jatan) is used. He had to hold the cross bar under his right armpit , go in between the triangle frame and paddle it. This method of riding is known as “naik celah” bicycle. Once he know how to paddle and balance, he will graduate to sit on the cross bar itself and paddle from where his feet can reach to the paddle. Riding by method is known as ”naik atas batang” style that is when he is called to the bar. Finally, when his legs are long enough, then he can ride properly by sitting on the saddle , that is, “naik atas sila” conventional style. However, there are others who have short legs and cannot be on the saddle – they ride from the carrier at the back of the bicycle known as “kayuh ikut belakang” and some times , one rides from the back for the fun on it. These actual terminologies ( not made up by me) of learning how to ride a bicycle at different stages may be taken at face value by the small boys. However, the terms may mean different things altogether for the big boys and old boys (Warning – re reading this last paragraph is For Adults Only)

Driving

2005-08-04T02:15:00.000-07:00

PokKu- Malaysian will become a very non law abiding citizen when they are behind the steering wheels! Why? Nobody knows why? There are lots of reasons. . When they stop at the traffic light...they think it is the “terrific” light. They feel terrific and imagine standing at the pole position as in the Formula. One race. So, they rev their engine up jump start the car to be ahead of others and they feel happy to have the head start. However, this habit was acquired by the Malaysian before the introduction of Formula One in Sepang and before they know pemandu Michael “pembuat kasut. So we cannot blame the Formula One. There are some differences the driver’s non-verbal communication in Malaysia as compared to UK. In UK, when you’re face to face with another car at a junction without traffic light and you put on the head light, it means that you give way to the other car to pass through. However, in Malaysia if you put your head light, it means the opposite i.e. you want your way and you are not giving an inch to the other car. Or alternatively, it means that there is a police speed trap in front. So, you should slow down and save RM 300 fine. This is the only friendly gesture from one Malaysian driver to another. It is more often practiced among the lorry drivers to warn their comrade to save their “duit ayam’. In the self service petrol kiosk in UK, you fill your tank with petrol first and pay later at the counter. But in Malaysia, you have to pay first and then fill your tank because if you allow them to fill the tank first, some will conveniently forget to pay. When another car cut a long queue, you start swearing at him for doing that. On the other hand, when you cut the queue and the other driver was swearing, you say that he should give chance and be more tolerant. Of course, you cannot hear his swearing but usually he will give a hand gesture – thumb down, middle finger up or the whole arm up or show you his base ball bat or metal car lock. When a driver is angry at another driver, it is the American who usually sticks out the middle finger. Malaysian are more demonstrative, they will show the left hand holding the whole right arm or alternatively, they will clap by using one open palm onto a clasped (the shape of the hand /fingers are like the one two som- one flat fro paper and one clasp for stone) . It really shows the difference in the mentality and physical size between the American and the Malaysian, namely yours as big as the middle finger vs. mine as big as the arm. (Hang punya kecil se besar jari hantu vs aku punya besar lengan!!).